Growing up. @arivenmayendonray - Tumblr Blog

May 17 and I feel good about life. I don’t remember ever feeling this good about life.

I want to travel, I look forward to my senior year. I want to take my baby out and make fun memories with him. I want to focus on myself and find joy and happiness without a partner in my life. I want to be able to enter a relationship as a whole person and not with the intentions of finding someone else who will complete me.

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We broke up right before Audrey’s birthday. It’s been a wild two weeks for me but I’m in a better place mentally. Financially, not so much... but we’ll figure it out.

Anymore by Sinead Harnett

It’s been 2 weeks maybe?

Chris told me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore, and also said “I hate you.”

My self-esteem is shot, it hurts to look at myself in the mirror. I asked him recently if he meant what he said and he said no, but I don’t think he was being honest.

We had sex the other day, and I wanted to enjoy it but I just couldn’t. It felt like I was having sex with a total stranger. It was cold and I felt blank.

He kissed me on the lips for the first time since he said those words yesterday and I felt nothing.

I haven’t cried yet. I feel numb. Lost. Confused.

Wow, it’s July 2021

It’s kind of crazy seeing how time went by.

Updates:

- my last post was about my abortion in 2020. Do I regret it? Yes and no. Yes because I wanted more babies (a selfish reason, honestly). Not, because I knew it wasn’t the right time. We didn’t have the resources or space to have another.

- I did have a second abortion in Jan/early Feb of this year. Do I regret it? Absolutely not. I finally graduated from DVC this spring and will be attending SFSU in the fall (FINALLY), and if I had had another child, none of this would’ve been possible.

- Life is going pretty fast right now-- Joshua’s pretty much talking for the most part, he’ll start daycare on campus too. He is a handful a lot of the times. But hey, that’s a toddler.

- I’m still pursuing education. Not sure if that’s where I’ll be in the future, but I’m still going in some kind of direction and that’s really all I need right now.

I don’t know where else to go

I feel like I’m not allowed to talk about it. No one knows. No one cares. No one really truly cares. I had an abortion this week and I laugh it off to Chris because I don’t want him to panick or freak out. But I wanted this baby. For the first time in a long time, finding out I was pregnant again made me so insanely happy. But Chris didn’t want to have this baby. Chris didn’t want to have this baby and I’m not over it.

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Hi old tumblr. Reading my old shit sucks lmfao Quick updates: I had a baby (he’s 6 months old now) Going rock hard with Chris and we’re really happy with where we are in the relationship, but also still working on it We’ve been living at mamas since the baby was born but are now transitioning back to his moms (we both hate this idea but don’t have a choice) That’s pretty much it!

1. You overthink too much

2. Let go of your fears

3. You only don’t feel like an adult because you keep telling yourself that you’re not prepared to be one

4. Chris loves you and if he ever didn’t, he’d tell you.

5. He doesn’t care if you’re fat, lazy, doing this or doing that; he just wants you to be happy. Honestly. You will probably never cross paths with any man like this ever again. Take advantage of it and be yourself!!!

6. You know what you want to do career-wise... GET TO IT

I haven’t taken a class since last summer... & even with ANOTHER break, I still don’t feel motivated to continue going to school.

Yeah, it will be better for me in the long run

Yes, it will give me a higher quality of life in a supposedly shorter amount of time.....

But I don’t know.

What am I supposed to do

Now that I’m looking back at my blog, I noticed that

I only write when I’m feeling either really sad

or really happy

I noticed that the last time I posted here was when I first met Chris. I regret not updating this as frequently as I should’ve.

I broke up with Chris this morning because he broke my trust for the second time.

I’m not going to go into the details because I don’t need to write it out to remember. Just know that I am extremely disappointed and hurt.

I’m hoping that one day, he’ll be more mature, and that he’ll be ready to take a relationship with me seriously, and sincerely give me the attention I deserve without second-guessing himself.

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I’m so glad to be able to read through my old posts and feel the emotions that I felt back when. So glad.

Updates:

I found someone from Tinder, who is, magically, not an asshole, is extremely patient, and down for whatever. He’s like a perfect mix of the positive qualities of my past lovers. He’s strangely perfect for me. I strangely found him on tinder.

I’ve been seeing him since August 1

Didn’t fuck him until like the 19th or something (and that last for 4-5 hours?!)

He asked me to be his girl on the 3rd of september,.

We’ve spent a lot of time together already, and I’m genuinely happy here. He’s the same height as me but it’s cool lol.

God, he’s so fucking sexy. I can’t believe I caught myself this fine ass man.

DROOOOOOOOL

uglygreenjacket

hebihime-deactivated20191114

I’ve been messaging randy a lot recently, ever since that hiking trip through land’s end that made me feel alone. Lizelle doesn’t know because I know she’d be upset with me if I were talking to him again. I hung out with her yesterday and we watched GOTG2. I changed Randy’s name to Monica so she wouldn’t be sus. I was really tired that night so I asked Randy to get coffee with me. I really just wanted some company. Undivided attention type of company. I was planning on just going out and driving for awhile afterwards but he felt bad so he hopped in my car. He asked to see my skin and he was rubbing my back a lot and he told me that everything has been kind of confusing because I’m saying this and that but turn around. He even told me that he really wanted to kiss me went we went hiking last week. We kissed. I wanted it to stop but I didn’t want it to stop. It was nice but at the same time it’s not something we should be doing. I’m trying to steer away from relationships but there’s so many reasons to be with Randy. There’s reasons not to, too, but I don’t really know what weighs more. I like having Randy as a friend though. It’s nice to have someone to talk to that doesn’t want anything from me. Well, scratch that. I guess you can say that Randy wants a relationship with me, but you know what I mean. He;s not hanging out with me strictly to fuck me, or because he needs a favor or whatever.

He asked to put his hands in certain places. I said no.

Adrianne, Matthew and I ate BWW after class today. They hit it off pretty well. They talked about cars, and they realized that they lived in the same area and had mutual friends (her sister). I had nothing to say. I’m not from Vallejo. I know nothing about cars except how to change my tire and pop the hood of CRV’s.

The takeaways from yesterday?

nothing really in common with Matthew

I’m “picturesque” and he wants to go hiking with me because I’m a suitable subject for a documentary.

I did feel like I had to explain myself to Matthew when Adrianne told him I’ve been single for three weeks and I considered it an accomplishment. It IS an accomplishment for me because I’ve been extremely dependent on relationships a majority of my life. SO’s are your best friend and you can always talk to them and annoy them whenever you feel like it. I don’t have an SO. I don’t have a best friend either. So, technically, I’m all alone.

I’m not alone. I have my family. I have select friends. I have Lizelle. I have myself.

Being single is not a bad thing, and I never said it was. It is, however, hard to adjust to a lifestyle that’s completely different from what I’m used to. It’s hard to be single when I thought that I was good at this relationship stuff. But I’m gonna do it and I’m going to keep it that way for awhile. I need to learn how to be an independent person.

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After my period ended, I didn’t really feel like having sex with Randy anymore. Everything felt the same as us being in a relationship, so I figured, what’s the point of me breaking up with him if we’re still going to act like we’re in a relationship? I told Randy that I no longer wanted to be fwb and he said that he would probably be able to convince me otherwise.

I didn’t want to have sex with him anymore, but he insisted that we can still have sex without being in a relationship, and that we didn’t have to cuddle, or hold hands, or whatever we used to do when we were together. But that’s not the point. I just straight up didn’t want to have sex with him anymore and he couldn’t understand that.

I felt pressured into having sex with him. It was as if “I don’t want to just because I don’t want to” wasn’t a valid reason for us not to have sex. I felt uncomfortable with Randy being near me at that point.

I remember on the first night we had sex, I initially said no, but he kept asking so I gave in. The last time we tried to have sex, I didn’t want to, but he did, so I kinda just let him have it, but I wasn’t aroused and then my period suddenly started.

I don’t want to be stuck in a car or restaurant or anywhere with Randy because I feel like if he were to make a move, I wouldn’t be able to stop him. I’m actually scared of being near him.

I think I just need my space away from him for a long time, just so I can get used to the idea of being friends with him. Hopefully.

I read through a few of my earliest posts and I hate seeing that I was so extremely dedicated to this one man that I lost myself in the process. I lost myself thinking someone else was more important. Now that I don’t have him, I’m lost.

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