Horns up

Honestly lowkey throws me back to when I first remember having a panic attack, and only identified it as a panic attack because I was venting about how horrible it was right here on tumblr and one of my followers said Sounds like a full fledged panic attack

The 24th of April Noah Kahan released his latest album, the great divide, that I had been looking forward to for quite some time but knew very little about. Needless to say the contents of said album sent me spiralling

I think what it does more than anything is voice just how hard it is to grieve this? There is no reconciliation for us. If we're in contact, it's my family abusing me and that's it. They don't even understand that they're doing it because to them it's normal. It's how it's always been. They can't change if there's no reason and they see none?

Yet I'm alone and that hurts. I'm not in contact with anyone who knew me as a child. I miss my brother, the one I could have while we both bit our tongues and held back crying while playing windwaker upstairs while our parents screamed at eachother so loud I could feel my heart pounding in my temples. I miss playing halo 3 with him. He made dinners for us when my mom was away on holiday or just gone. I miss being asked to come to his animal crossing island to drop off bells because he was poor.

Yet I know we don't speak and can't speak because I realised I was broken and trying to fix it made me see the whole fucking house broken. I ran. I panicked. I wish we could be friends but there's no reality where we could be because we grew up together and he's happy putting on a brave face and making it through and I'm not anymore