🦄🌈✨

I just ugly cried for an hour because my mother told me today that we won’t be having thanksgiving at our house this year. We’ve had thanksgiving at our house every year since I can remember. Coming home to my family for thanksgiving dinner every November has been one of my favorite parts of college. This semester has been really hard for me and I’ve been looking forward to coming home for thanksgiving since August. Now I won’t get that. I won’t get to sit around the fireplace with my little sister and make hot chocolate once everyone goes home, I won’t get to help my dad in the kitchen, I won’t get to sneak out onto the deck with my mom for a glass of wine, all of the little things that have come to be so familiar and important and meaningful to me won’t happen this year. I know it’s probably not a big deal but I really love traditions and I feel like nobody is as sentimental about those sorts of things like I am. This is my last year of college and I just wanted everything to be the same this year because I know it’s all going to change once I’m truly on my own and have my own house and family. I feel like it’s a stupid reason to be upset but I’m really learning that I do not deal well with change.

Someone told me once, that chubby girls should stick to wearing dark colors, because they’re better for hiding your weight, and that girls of a certain body shape should never wear white. For so long, I conformed to that, and was constantly hiding myself in oversized dark clothes. I hated shopping because I couldn’t wear the things that were made for skinny girls, and all the things that did fit looked baggy and unflattering. It got so bad that I would purposely make up an excuse not to go somewhere with friends if I wasn’t liking how I looked that day, which, was most days. Though recently, I’ve slowly been learning to start feeling more comfortable in my own body, and stop letting my insecurities hold me back from doing things and going places just because I’m afraid of how I look. It’s taken a lot of time, but I’ve started to learn how to wear my body proudly. A few years ago, if you would have told me to wear a skin-tight white bodysuit out in public, I would have laughed in your face. Tomorrow, for my Halloween costume, I’ll be doing just that. And believe it or not, I’m actually looking forward to it. I like how I look in the outfit, and I’m excited to show off a little. By no means will I look like a vogue model, but it doesn’t matter. I’ll be surrounded by my friends, having fun, enjoying the party that I’m hosting, and too busy being happy to worry about what anyone might have to say about it. Here’s to letting happiness win once in a while.

I’m so tired of always being the girl that goes home alone after a night out. All I want is for my feelings to be reciprocated for once in my fucking life. I’m sick of always being the one that’s up for anything but gets left out of everything. God I’m in such a bad mood. 😩