Look At Me Now

I got tired of watching them die and realizing that’s all they do

these things are here to die

for me to smile at and then mourn

More mourning than smiles

here I am; like these fucking flowers

someone will find us both here and have to dispose of the remains

what a fucking burden, an annoying task that I died to get away from

apologies to my mourners

what a pitiful way to go really

I sat with coffee in hand, day by day

watching the decay progress

seeing petals fall and making little piles of them to move somewhere else

letting a real nasty crust develop in the vase

that’s more like it

I hate these flowers

I am these fucking flowers

I wish I could curtain all the glass and turn out all the lights

in the dark, blind, we will rot here

this is my preference, my last will

A real testament to me and my nature

our nature, these weeds and I

we exist here to sit stagnant in the dark and let flies gather over our bodies once we’ve shuffled all this life off

I love these flowers

we’re doomed together, what a sweet thought

I should give them a real going away

before I shove them into a plastic bag full of coffee grounds

that lucky bag, what a special guest to have join versus the usual suspects

Time is nothing but a big circle.

I’m seeing it more clearly now

You make me uncomfortable

You’re still taking up space in my mind

Not because I’m even confused anymore but because I don’t know what to do

I don’t want to do anything

I wish I could wake up tomorrow and this all had been a bad dream

A bad dream where I fell for the wrong guy, I thought I was smarter than that

I thought I had learned my lesson

I was wrong

I keep learning these lessons the wrong way

I keep hurting me

Letting the wrong ones in

My heart aches solely knowing that I can’t have any of the things I once had

My mind hurts because I find no joy in relationships whatsoever

There are no good parts

I just get hurt

I’m tired

I wish that you weren’t an absolutely sleazy asshole

My heart feels cold like the weather

I miss a lot of things, all sweet

You’ve changed

It made it easier to not love you

I should be thankful for that I guess

It’s hard to be when I know how much kindness you have

I try so goddamn hard

I am an expert at it now, trying

I just wish there was something I could do, say

to fix it

to change what happened

to erase all the mean we had for each other

to remove the resentment

I wish I could be kind

and that I would get kind in return

we used to have such happiness between us

I’m not sure why but I’m absolutely hung up

stuck on

taken with

trying to convince myself that you’re not an asshole

that you’re not a ruthlessly, mean, rude, and cruel person

that you don’t hate me

that you don’t think of me with disdain

because you didn’t use to

you used to treat me like you loved me

like I was special

like a friend, a best friend

with beautiful facets and many lovely things to contribute

and now you don’t

I’m not sure which one of us changed

I just keep trying to convince myself it’s not you

Fucked up, I know

I just miss my friend

I miss the guy who picked me first

who treated me like gold

because I promise I’m still here

I feel it

I’ve gone so long without feeling the mean

But I feel negativity

I feel it in my skin

I feel like it burning me up

All I do is question my worth

I keep letting myself down but I don’t know how to get up anymore

I just want to stop disappointing those around me

But I don’t think I’m doing anything wrong

My mind is a wreck

My worth is at a low

I’m safe for now

You’re a shithead.

I love me more than anyone can

That’s I’m alone

That’s why it’s a good thing to be

I feel like a bad friend, to all

I feel like everything I do is wrong

It was fine when the only person I hurt was me

But now the hurt is bleeding out

Hurting others

I have so much god damn love in my heart

and it is so hard to hold and not give it away

but that’s the safest thing to do