Finding My Way Back

Stephanie, dear how have you been? Where have you been? Who are you with? Stephanie, dear you’re all right. You’re doing great. Relationship status: single Career: working on it Positive qualities: patience, hopeful, faithful. Negative qualities: stuck up, unsettled, indecisive.

So today is a random day in march. Sitting next to a group of Indian (maybe) men. It’s strange where you end up in life.

Had a successful day today. Woke up at the crack of dawn at 7am. Made breakfast for mom and me: the usual, waffles, scrambled eggs, and mixed fruits. We’ve been having the same for about 2 weeks now. Every day. Every morning.  Ever since her birthday two weeks ago. She seems to enjoy it every day though.  So, that’s good.

So why did I wake up at the crack of dawn? A 8k. Namely, the San Jose 8k. The race began at 8am, and we got there at 7:50, with 10 minutes to spare. Was worried about what to do. But remembered what JIejie told me, from past experiences. I think we actually ran See Jane Run in Oakland a while ago. Don’t remember much from back then. But knew who I was then.

Today has been a day of remembering. Of knowing everything that I’ve been through. A smile. A hug. Those are what I live for. I hope my sister’s proud of me – despite all that’s happened.

I don’t think I’m in a race now, it’s all about living it up. Enjoying what’s left. What’s left of me. Who’s that again? Let’s define it together.

College: UC Berkeley

Relationship status: single …

Life stage: part-time job

Yeah, that’s about right. Family. Right, there’s also family. Now, where do we start from there? Let’s think in terms of life stages: 0 to 18, child. 18 to 22, college student. 22-30, overgrown child. Hm – now when did things go wrong? I don’t know. I wish there was just some way for me to make sense of it all. Talking DOES NOT help. Never has; Never will be.

I’m tired of talking. Talking … talking … talking. Non-stop talking. Where is the walk? Where is the action? Where is the hope? I don’t know. I do know, however, that I need to practice self-love, self-compassion, and self-confidence.

Let’s put things in order, (in no particular order).

For me, it’s a little atypical: 1) self-confidence, 2) self-compassion, 3) and self –love.

Webster’s dictionary probably has a lofty definition of what there concepts are, but frankly I’m just too lazy to look it up.

How about Stephanie’s dictionary: self-confidence equals faith in one’s own ability; self-compassion equals being kind and taking care of yourself; self-love equals caring for yourself and loving who you are.

So the countdown starts – 25 minutes until service starts.

What’s in a church? Is it really only a building? Is it the people inside? Is it the Bible. What is it really? Because frankly I’m lost. It’s been too long since I knew myself. In no particular order:  College, Life Stage, and Relationship status.

Which leads me to what is the meaning of life? Why do you wake up in the morning? What makes you make breakfast in the morning. Why do you have lunch? And the afternoon snack. And also, what is the meaning of dinner. And also, what is the meaning of sleep?

Sleep these past 5 so odd years, has been elusive. I sleep at 10:30 every night, not knowing why I go to sleep at all. I wake up at 8:30 every morning, for no apparent reason.

I’m in a constant haze – going through the motions – not knowing who to trust. I used to know. I used to know …