journal

its 5:06 am, ive been awake since yesterday. Waiting for my mom to pick me up to go to the new house and stuff. Going to Tennessee Sunday. Missing my papaw and grandad so fucking bad right now

its 6:11 pm, im sitting in a chair in the living room next to my dad, we just got back from riding scooters to the game store, the one he used was one he just got working. My life is less boring than it used to be, ever since my friend Chris added me to a group chat. Ive made friends mostly with cam and lyric. On the 3rd I went to a firework festival with my dad, my brothers, and my dads girlfriend. I walked around with my brother and got some food and then I recognized two classmates from elementary school. Then we walked around, sat inside of Jack's donuts, and eventually they left. Then I saw my friend andrew, and we walked around, got a free pizza from the owner of a guitar store (it was 2 slices but still) and we ended up giving it away. Then we walked around with a few of his friends and met up with a few people and then I went to go hang out with my friend lyric, who andrew didnt wanna be around (id find out why the next night). We just hung out by a river and walked around the park with his sister, and it was pretty fun. Then we all went home. The next night I was calling with my friend cam, and he was screensharing while looking at my Instagram post that has photos from the festival. He sees the picture of Andrew and says "you know this guy has like a ton of allegations right?" And then we hopped on call with caiden who had a sister Andrew dated and had sex with when she was 12 and I asked Andrew about it and he denied it. But i was shown proof by caiden. He's been in legal trouble over it but not enough . Pisses me off that hes just allowed to be outside around people. My phones at 1, bye

its 12:29 am and I'm laying im my bed on the phone with my cousin. She's fixing her e bike that my other cousin messed up. Im super drunk, I had 6 pina coladas

It is currently 5:14 pm and im at my moms friends house, I helped decorate for her 40th birthday party so I am here. But its an Indian family so I have to stay upstairs with her husband or something. Im watching dragon ball battle of gods on their tv

Its currently 1:56 pm. Im sitting on the floor of my new room. There are boxes on the right side of my room with my stuff in them. I dont wanna be here, or be living with my moms boyfriend. He thinks hes like a father figure to me when I already have a dad. And I never even spend time with this guy. Anyway recently I worked at my uncles firework store, he closed it down before the 4th so I cant make more money working around the 4th but whatever. I dont know what to talk about. I dont like my life much and I feel dull if that makes sense. Bye

its 4:05 am, im laying in bed playing yokai watch. Its been fun revisiting this franchise, I was obsessed with it as a kid. Also, I broke up with my girlfriend, it was really difficult but I did it

its 10:53 pm, im laying in my bed. I just got back from walmart after seeing princess mononoke at the movie theater. Before the movie started they had a raffle thing where they draw a ticket number from those spinner thingies and if they say your ticket number you get a prize. I got picked first, but didnt realize it until they kept asking who it was and I though "hmmm maybe i should look at my ticket" and it was mine. I felt a little retarded but I got kikis delivery service socks which is my favorite ghibli movie, some boba tea bubble things, a bunch of these little candies in green packaging, strawberry pocky, chopsticks, and some ramen. Someone else got figurines though and I was super jealousssss but its okay because thats not something to be upset over. The movie was so good and the audio sounded so great and the animation looked great and I just really love studio ghibli they make my favorite movies ever and i haven't seen alot of things that get anywhere near as good and melancholic and bittersweet and beautiful.

its currently 3:49 pm, im sitting in a chair at my dads with my legs propped up on the back of the couch. The divorce papers my mom just got around to filing for are also on the back of the couch. I just got back from seeing my neighbor totoro at my local movie theater, and it was very nice. It was super calming and I loved it. It feels so small compared to the time i first went there when i was about 6 years old to watch the movie Babe. It was a class field trip and we walked there from the school. Later ill be seeing princess mononoke at the same theater, and then ill be going back to my moms. Its weird, whenever there's a change of scenery it feels like an entirely different day. If I go to my moms at one point in the day and then my dads another point in the day it feels like it isn't the same day. I dont know if im explaining it right. Anyway I asked if my friend Emily wanted to go see princess mononoke with me. Im half hoping she says no because I feel fat and ugly but it'd be nice to watch a movie with my friend. I love studio ghibli

its 9:33 pm as of writing. In my dads truck I called my grandpa who is mad at me over an argument. He refuses to talk to me. My dad is currently yelling at my younger brother for not finishing something to do with his probation, something about a note I dont know. Theres a weather alert so Im inside, the loud alert noise scared me so bad. I just got off the phone with my aunt I visited in georgia asking about how my cousin crashed her e bike. That's about all bye

its cureently 8:53 pm. Its raining, im sitting in the passenger seat of my dads truck while its in the driveway. There's something so comforting about sitting in a car while its raining outside, almost like im being shielded from the weather. I dont want to be shielded usually, going out in the rain and feeling it on my skin is one of my favorite things. Rain calms me. My mom is texting me about plans to eat some quesabirria and go swimming with my cousin, but tomorrow it will rain as well so its being moved to Thursday. I was gonna save some pizza for tomorrow to eat after my fast but my brother ate it all, so me and my dad are just gonna see about maybe going somewhere or just making something at home. My girlfriend asked to see a picture of me in the rain and i sent it, she told me she thought i was cute and that she loved me, then she asked why my skin was so smooth. I replied "I think my phones camera has a filter," except it was less coherent due to the rain getting on my phone screen and causing letters to be missed or not registered at all. I opened up Snapchat and took a picture, sent it, and said "I think I look worse in this one." She said "goshh youre cute" which i dont know if shes lying about. I love her more than anything ive ever loved and shes the most beautiful thing ive ever seen, but I feel like im not good for her. I cant be her only support either, ive been trying to get her to talk to her mom (biological) more whos very nice and hasn't gotten a chance to have a deeper relationship with her yet. They're alot alike. I just wish i had time to myself, not for a day, but for a long time. I love her but being with her stressed me out due to all the trauma she has which I dont blame her for in any regard, its just alot to deal with right now by myself. I need to fix myself as well, there's alot wrong with me I haven't tried to fix yet. I just feel like I can't and wont grow with her, and I need to go out more instead of talking to her all the time. Im stuck in between these 2 things, I love her but I wanna live my life and not text all day and try to grow as a person. I dont know. Bye

its currently 12:39 pm as of writing. My youngest brother just got picked up from my dad's by my mom. Today was the first time ive seen my parents have a conversation in a while. My dad was telling my mom about this protein powder be got, and let her take a sip. It was a positive interaction, she even complimented him saying he looked skinny. It was weird to see. Back when I was in georgia last week I couldn't help but feel like my time with my grandma was fleeting. Also, I got back with my ex girlfriend. It was around evening and I texted her "i miss you" which i tried so hard not to do but I had missed her so much, this eventually resulted in us getting back together but of course issues have come up. She graduated yesterday, I felt proud. I sent a screen recording of it to her mom. I like her mom alot, and ive urged them to get to know each other better since my girlfriend was adopted and then her adoptive parents ended up sucking. I think she could learn alot about herself that way and it might help her mentally, she has no guidance. She was planning to kill herself after graduation. I just want her to be okay, and happy, and healthy for her life and I know she can't do it with me apart of it. Im in a really tough spot right now

Its currently 8:22 pm, and I find myself missing my ex girlfriend while laying in my bed on my side curled up in a ball. I typed "i miss you," and let it sit in a draft message for a while. Eventually I opened our messages back up and let my thumb hover over the send button until I accidentally pressed it at 8:05. At 8:21 I got a response "I miss you too. Why are you reaching out now though?" i replied "i wish you weren't weird" and she replied "what do you mean." Instead od replying I started typing this out. Earlier my dad and I sat outside and looked at the fire he had started, then went inside and played some music together. That's all for now

its 5:18 pm, im sitting on the couch after running a mile in 13 minutes and doing some upper body workouts. My dad has a fire going on the patio which I can see through the window. He's sitting to the left of me right now. I ate unhealthily on my trip to Florida and georgia, so im glad I can work out and eat better now that im in indiana as well as see my dad. Today has been pretty good

its currently 10:35 pm, and im riding back to Indiana after visiting my cousins in georgia. It was alright, but I dont know i just wish my dad could've came with us. Im glad my moms annoying ass boyfriend and his kid weren't able to go. Im high right now, I snuck and hot high to help this car ride go by faster. I feel so fat. I hate myself. Also, my dad wants us to come over tomorrow which is reasonable since he hasn't seen me or my brothers in a week. And my brothers dont wanna go. My youngest brother said he wanted to stay home with my mom and her boyfriend. What a fucking retard.

Its June!

I wanna kill myself in front of people

its 7:40 pm at the time of writing. Im in florida with my mom grandma siblings and cousins, my mom is in the room with me but I wish she'd leave. And my cousins siblings and grandma are still at disney. I rode the pirates of the caribbean ride first, and then the tianas bayou thing or however you spell it. Then the jungle cruise and I saw this 3d animation thing and went on the pirates of the caribbean thing again and I got sad because I wish my dad was here with us. Then I went off with my brother and cousin and we tried to go to space mountain but it broke down so they gave us free fast passes. Then I went and got some water and then went on the speed thing where you drive a car and I couldn't go straight. And then I went on a buzz lightyear thing and then on space mountain. The rides were cool but it was so hot and I couldn't stand the heat and almost passed out and had to leave. Also the whole time id see attractive girls there and stuff and thing about how retarded and ugly I looked and I wanted to rip off all my skin and kill myself and die and ejaknemsjaksmsjksnsjsjs everything sucks and I was so overstimulated by the heat