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When I was 6, I was reading a book with my mum, something about fishermen setting a world record I think. It was nothing special, except there was an image of two men kissing, not on the mouth, but close, more in celebration and comradery than anything. Coming from a small town and not really understanding, my first reaction was to go âewwwww.â My mum, being the ally and feminist she is, asked me why. I didnât really know, and we had a whole conversation about why it was normal and even should be celebrated, etc. etc. A few weeks later, I realized I had a crush on one of my friends. A girl (Iâm AFAB, if that matters). Reminder, I was 6, and even though I knew what sex was (I asked way to many questions at 5 years old) I didnât really understand love or attraction, just that I liked this girl and though she was pretty and wanted to tell her. And I did. Didnât go great, but thatâs a different story. After that, I never really thought about it, and didnât have another crush on a girl until I was in my teens, but back at 6 years old I already somehow knew I wasnât straight, based on some random picture in a book I canât even remember. (Mamma Mia!âs Lay All Your Love on Me was also a pretty damn good sign, I watched that shit on repeat and just stared at both of them for hours)
When I was a kid I loved to watch Disney shows and I remember admiring some specific characters and I really wanted to be like them but when I was a teenager I started to notice that more than that desire to be like them, I was having a certain form of a crush on them and the first time it happened was when watching Wizards of Waverly Place, Justin was catching all my attention and bringing me great curiosity in a moment when I was sexually waking. It made me realize that in fact all the admiration I had when I was younger for other boys, either on TV or in real life, was actually a form of (even if innocent) attraction.
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At the age of 23, I watched Brokeback Mountain movie that left a deep impression on me. The tragic fate of the two lead characters affected me greatly, and for a long time I thought about my fate and my dark future. I also recalled having feelings for someone at that time, but the movie caused me to distance myself from him. Before this movie, I didn't understand people who watched romantic movies and cried. However, this particular film showed me the incredible influence that a movie can have on a person.

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growing up AFAB, i had some sort of connection to masculinity that transcended "tomboyhood" which i couldn't explain at the time. i knew i liked boys and masculine people but always felt like it was in a different way than "other (straight) girls." i didnt really get it until i started watching and reading naruto, which was the first ever anime/manga i had ever watched/read. early on in the show, the two main characters (naruto and sasuke) accidentally kissed as a gag, but when i watched it i was like "........... i wanna be like them.........." and that was how i learned about "yaoi/BL (boys' love) " aka the japanese term for media featuring homosexual relationships between two men. i learned that shipping sasuke and naruto together was really popular (and honestly, the entire series is basically SasuNaru: the show even if the creator didnt specifically intend it to be that way, he's just misogynistic enough to make the only meaningful relationships between men only LOL) and that there was a lot of fanart featuring them together, and that there are a bunch of manga and ships out there that were yaoi too, and i found comfort in SasuNaru, BL media, and yaoi ships in the other shows i grew to like. thank you naruto for teaching me that i liked boys in a "boy way" HAHAHAHAH
n harmonia from pokemon black and white changed the trajectory of my life. i strongly believe that it was because of him that i am transmasc LMAO. i dont really know now what exactly about him made me want to be him so badly, but i remember when i was 11 i ended up making him my entire identity⌠i used him as a faceclaim on tumblr and saying he was literally me, i used his name as mine, and started using he/they pronouns for the first time. i also identified as agender at the time. something about him changed pokemon gays forever because i know im not the only one who was affected by him LOL
it got a bit more complicated in terms of gender identity when i realized that, although feeling like "boy" i didnt believe i was a "man" and didnt feel comfortable seeing myself as explicitly male. i found comfort in characters like haruhi fujioka from ouran high school host club and naoto shirogane from persona 4, who are both afab but gender nonconforming with more "boyish" looks and mannerisms rather than "manly" ones. their character arcs also specifically addressed gender and gender expression and opened up my mind to the idea of gender as a performance. they helped me realize i am nonbinary and that i could be both, neither, any, in between, whatever and that it both didnt have to matter and that it could be everything to be nothing or anything
the character archetype of âbishounenâ aka âbeautiful boy,â depicting men of androgynous/feminine beauty, also brought me a lot of clarity in terms of the way i felt transmasc. howl from howlâs moving castle, kurama from yu yu hakusho, kurapika from hunter x hunter, marth from fire emblem, and most importantly ciel phantomhive from black butler (who has been canonically depicted in drag multiple times) are characters that have made me scream âI WANT HIS GENDERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR."Â Â they helped me realize that the way i wanted to be masculine and what masculinity meant to ME, regardless of what other people define as masculine, was different, and that i could express masculinity in a way that wasnât typical
Saiyuki was my first ever manga to ever read growing up. There's this character, Genjo Sanzo, who is a priest in the series. Always thought he was a cool guy. The way he composes himself, his badass gun and how he takes care of Son Goku. There was this one part in the manga in Saiyuki Reload. Don't remember the chapter specifically, but there was a scene of him in the shower. There it was, just right in my face. Full round booty cheeks. It was in my face like "pow!" and I went "wow!"
When I was in the first year of my undergrad I took a Gender, Race, Social Justice and Sexuality course. It was the first time I befriended queer people. However it wasnât these factors alone that make me realize I was queer myself. A friend of mine from the class spoke highly of the show L-Word so I thought Iâd give it a watch. After a couple of episodes I realized maybe there was a reason I enjoyed the show so much (not talking about all the soft porn) and having queer friends made me realize âoh wait, maybe I am queer tooâ. I know this is probably a classic coming out media moment for plenty of queers, especially sapphics. For me watching the show, combined with having queer friends, opened my mind to just being queer as a reality. Before that my world was very heterosexual. So I never even questioned if I was gay because in my mind that wasnât even a reality I knew of. As cheesy as it sounds, the L-word for me truly was a gay-awakening.
Watching sinbad as a kid, with all of its sexual innuendo and implied sexuality was confusing and arousing to me. In addition to all of the half naked pirates and homoerotic camaraderie between Sinbad and his child best friend, the scenes in which water sirens seduced the men to their graves cracked open a desire in me that i couldn't interpret at the time. The power that was wielded through being an irresistible object of desire, able to hypnotize and lure the horny men to their deaths, was very exciting to me for reasons I was oblivious to. This movie remains an early sign of my budding sexuality, especially with the short Sinbad asscheek cameo
LGBT/Queer people,
I am looking for submissions to my archival project that documents the experiences with media related to 'trans-' and 'gay-awakenings'. Please check out the description in the 'submission information' tab on my blog for my information if you are interested in submitting. And please consider sharing this post! Im making this a poll and tagging it a bunch to hopefully get more traction. Thank you!
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Any of the above and I plan to submit to ArchivingQueerDesire!

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Ever since i was a little child, I've always felt attracted to both boys and girls, but the attraction was pretty different from one another. Back then, I had a crush on some boys in many movies and TV shows and this attraction was mostly physical. Many characters like Link from the legend of Zelda, the Sprouse twins from Zack and Cody, Michael Anthony hall or llan Mitchell-smith from Weird science, or even some of the boys, especially Matt Dillon, from The Outsiders or Over the edge were really hot to me. Its basically always the same, i used to find boys with long hair and smooth faceskin which most of the people would qualify it as "skater style" to be so appealing and i wished so bad that i could actually look like them. Also being a problem child, i used to love when those characters would have a rebellious side to which i could relate back then. The idea of having some teenagers being left to themselves, doing whatever they wanted, with a lot of sexual complicity implicated had something extremely kinky to me and that really turned me on.
One thing that comes to my mind is the song âEt Ceteraâ by gabrielle destroismaisons. My first girl crush did a dance on it in front of the whole school and I was hypnotized đ her bff saw how I was looking at her and told me âback off, sheâs my friendâ. I didnât know at the time because I was 8 years old, but the song has pretty suggestive lyrics and someone always sings it when thereâs a lesbian karaoke night.
I read a fantasy book series called The Black Magician Trilogy by Trudi Canavan. It primarily follows a female protagonist, but somewhere in the second book it also starts adopting the viewpoint of a male character in the story, Dannyl, and his interactions with another man who is attracted to him and is a "lad" (the admittedly hilarious term for a gay man in the world).
This intrigued me because male-male attraction had never featured in any of the other dozen or more fantasy series I had read. I couldn't put my finger on why I was so absorbed into this little side-plot at the time, but now it's clear I was in the desert of heteronormativity and craving queer media and stories wherever I could find them. The character Dannyl originally presents as straight, politely rejecting the attraction of the other man while also sympathizing with his plight (as Dannyl himself had been teased along similar lines in school). However, it turns out that Dannyl had actually been subconsciously using his magic to suppress his homosexual attraction to avoid ridicule and persecution, and he only realizes this after a dreadful ordeal leaves him drained of all his magic. I had barely seen any portrayals of the psychological toll of being in the closet, let alone one in a fantasy world, and this really stuck with me.
Dannyl in the end decides to accept who he is and be with the man he loves, and I think this was also one of the first times I can recall a gay love story being celebrated as opposed to mocked or, at most, briefly acknowledged. I think it was a subtle gay awakening for me, opening my mind to the possibility of happiness and love in non-heteronormative relationships.