Pairing: Remus Lupin x F! Reader
Genre: Soulmate AU (Reincarnation) Series, Angst, Hurt/ Comfort, Fluff, Slow burn
Summary: Remus Lupin never believed he had a soulmateâuntil one accidental touch shatters his carefully built walls. The wolf inside him has always known, but Remus refuses to accept that fate could be so cruel as to tie her to him. Haunted by longing and fear, he tries to run, but she is relentlessâwarmth slipping through the cracks, undoing him piece by piece. As desire wars with self-doubt, Remus must decide: fight fate or surrender to the one thing heâs always denied himself.
a/n: Hey! I've been sick recently and work was hectic, but here is the next chapter! hope you enjoy!
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The days leading up to the full moon were always tough. In his younger years, and still on his worst days, Remus had a tendency to lash out. His friends tended to take the brunt of it. Time and time again theyâd subject themselves to the worst of Remusâ moods with no more than a shake of their heads. James would shove an extra chocolate bar into his hands with a pointed look, Sirius would needle him just enough to keep him from sinking too deep into his own head, and Peter would distract him with whatever gossip heâd picked up. They tried. They continued to try even when Remus would bite back.Â
Heâd gotten better as the years went on, but it never went awayânot really. It laid in wait just below the surface. Simmering and festering. He could control it now. For the most part. He had enough practice with it, disguising it under a well-worn mask. A polite smile, the strain only noticeable to his friends. Remus tried to distance himself from her, if only for a while. He didnât want her to witness him like that. She didnât need to see him when he was more beast than man, ruled by baser instincts.
Heâd opened the floodgates and there was no quilling the monster now that it knew what it felt like to have her near. Now that it knew how sweet her voice could be or hold soft her touch was when she brushed against him âaccidentallyâ.Â
He hadnât run from her the way he had before. Instead he offered her a half-truth. When he said he wasnât feeling well it wasnât exactly a lie. She didnât need to know that the reason he was feeling poorly was because his bones ached with the all too familiar feeling of preparing to snap and contort in hellish ways or that his headache stemmed from the wolf taking a more centerstage role rather than its usual heckling background act.Â
The distance lasted for a day. In all actuality it was closer to a few hours. Heâd been a lot more terse than he had been in years. It was clear to his best mates, who gave him a wide berth as they made their way to the Great Hall. It was Peterâs idea, which was surprising. Out of all his friends he was the one who interacted with her the least, Lily having taken the second place spot after Remus himself. So, there they were, sitting side-by-side. Remus was acutely aware of the way their thighs touched every so often. While it shot a thrill up his spine it also grounded him in a way he wasnât used to.Â
He was still in a god awful mood, but he was a lot more⊠tolerable.Â
Her voice was soft as she spoke to him, as if she could sense his growing agitation. It wasnât aimed at herâgods noâbut at the loud second years sitting further down the table. They were grating, talking too loudly, voices overlapping each other; they were just too much. Any other day it wouldnât have been an issue. He likely wouldnât have noticed, in all honesty, but the wolf made it very difficult to ignore.Â
âRemus?â her voice called to him, soft and soothing like she was coaxing a skittish animal into paying attention. The wolf loved it, standing in metaphorical attention at the sound of her voiceâhoneyed and sweet without even trying. Though, Remus was willing to bet that only he thought so.Â
Remus did his best to keep the vexation out of his tone as he spoke to her. The last thing he wanted was for her to think it was her doing, âSorry, dove, I didnât catch that.â
In his peripheral vision he could see James look at Sirius in bewilderment and mouth something like âwhenâd that startâ. Sirius looks just as perplexed, if not chuffed at the sudden change in their friend. Remus paid them no mind, as was becoming par for the course whenever she was around.Â
âI asked if you still wanted to meet in the library later,â she repeated patiently. She pushed the remaining food on her plate around with her fork, a clear indication that she was done but didnât want to leave just yet. He found itâlike everything else about herâendearing.Â
His eyebrows furrowed in confusion, âYeah, of course.âÂ
âDo you⊠not want me to?â He feigns hurt.Â
She levels him with a look that Remus knows all too well by now, âI didnât say I didnât want you to. I just wanted to make sure you werenât busy.âÂ
Remus let out a breath, shaking his head. âNever too busy for you, dove.â He didnât think much of the words as they left his mouth, but judging by the way James nearly choked on his pumpkin juice and Sirius was now full-on grinning like Christmas had come early, maybe he should have.
If she noticed their antics she didnât mention it. Instead giving Remus the courtesy of pretending his friends werenât as embarrassing as they actually were. Her voice drops so that only he can hear her, âIf youâre not feeling well we could always reschedule.â
His own tone mirrored hers, low and like they were sharing a secret meant only for each other, âIâm fine. Besides, the library isnât exactly the most taxing place to be, is it?âÂ
Remus resisted the urge to smooth out the furrow in her brow as she looked at him. He wasnât being completely truthful and he knew that she knew that.Â
She studied him for a moment longer, likely deciding whether to call him out or not. It seemed he was in the clear, at least for the time being. She packed her things and headed to her first class of the day.Â
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The candlelight casted a soft glow that helped ease the headache Remus had been nursing since lunch. The sound of pages turning and the ambient noise of other students quietly murmuring to each other filled the silence between them. Not that it was really needed, but it was nice.Â
âYouâre so annoying,â she huffs at him like heâs just committed a personal slight against her.Â
âAm I,â he asks, unbothered. He glances at her from his spot across the table, where he had been sitting quietly for the past couple of minutes, âWhatâd I do this time.âÂ
He does his best to suppress a smirk at the petulant way she looks at him, all thatâs missing is a pout and the look would be complete. âYou were right,â she grumbles. He could tell that the exasperation in her tone was only half-genuine.Â
âYouâll have to be more specific, love,â the word falls from his mouth with an ease that has her blink in surprise. Itâs momentary and fleeting, but he noticed it in the same way heâs committed all of her quirks to memory in the past two weeks since their outing. It wasnât the first time heâs called her that, or some variation of it, but it was the first time heâd done it intentionallyâwith a confidence that came from knowing the way she would react to it.Â
âDonât get smarmy with me, Lupin,â the glare sent his way is nullified by the way she ducks her head right after.Â
Remus realized that he enjoyed this version of her far more than the one he had glorified for so long. She was still kind, charming, and unbelievably attractive, but she wasnât perfect. Where most mightâve been disappointed that what theyâd envisioned had turned out to be incorrect, Remus was beside himself with admiration. He saw sides of her heâd never been privy to prior. His favorite, or rather one of his favorites, was her temper. It wasnât that her temper caused her to be particularly mean, just that itâd make her huff and puff in a way that reminded him of a displeased mooncalf. Not that heâd ever say that to herâheâd rather not be on the receiving end of her ire.Â
âAlready with the name calling. Itâs not even dinner yet,â Remus sets his book down to give her his undivided attention. His hands itched to reach across the table and take one of her hands into his, but he refrained. The terms of endearments were already blurring the lines of their âfriendshipâ, any touching and heâd lose any semblance of self control he had.Â
âIâm not name calling,â she defended.Â
âYou are,â he was quick to counter. âYou still havenât told me what I was right about. Iâd like to know what Iâm gloating about before I do it.âÂ
âYou already know what Iâm referring to, Remus,â she says his name in what he assumed was meant to be a chiding way, but it sends a thrill up his spine nonetheless.Â
âI donât know why you continue to try to prove me wrong,â he says after a beat. âOne of us has had to spend hours going over the material.âÂ
Sheâd claimed with near certainty that a potion recipe called for a specific ingredient; Remus, very gently might he add, told her that she was completely wrong. Not in an unkind way, not entirely. More teasing, if anything. To be fair, the potion in question was one they had to study and perfect in their first year. But, in all fairness Remus himself likely would have forgotten the specifics of it if he wasnât tutoring a handful of first years.Â
âYeah yeah,â she murmurs with a flippancy that Remus knows is for show.Â
She returns her attention back to her studies and Remus takes it as an opportunity to gaze at her. The longing in his eyes is palpable. She was⊠the most beautiful person heâd ever seen, he was sure of that. Not just in physicality but in every way a person could be. He was biased, sure, but he would argue that it was an objective fact.Â
She had this way about herâan ease, a quiet confidence that made everything she did seem effortless. Even now, hunched over her parchment, hair falling over one shoulder as she chewed absently on the tip of her quill, she was captivating.
Remus let himself watch, just for a moment. Let himself revel in the fact that she was here, that she chose to sit with him, argue with him over potion ingredients, humor him when he was being insufferable. That she spoke his name in that way that made his pulse quicken and sent warmth curling through his chest.
He could never tell her any of it, of course.
Could never put into words how deeply he felt, how utterly wrecked he was by the simple fact of her existence. Because there were things he wanted that he couldnât have, things he knew better than to reach for.
But in moments like thisâwhen the moon was creeping closer and the weight of it pressed heavy against his skinâshe made him feel human. Made him feel like something more than the thing clawing at the edges of his control.
He let out a quiet breath, dragging a hand down his face as if that would somehow help rein himself in.
âStaring is rude, you know,â she says without sparing a glance up at him and Remus feels his heart stutter.Â
âI was not staring,â he defends poorly. He wills the heat creeping up his neck to stop.Â
She hums, âSure you werenât.âÂ
He huffs a soft laugh and forces himself to turn his eyes back to the book in his hands.Â
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Remus decided to skip dinner that night. He knew himself well enough to know that even with her there the cacophony of voices would have him on edge. So, he would stay in the solace that was his dorm. The fact that Sirius, James, and Peter would be out was an added plus. He loved his friends, but sometimes they were a bit⊠much.Â
The quiet was a welcome relief. No clattering silverware, no overlapping voices grating against his already frayed nerves. Just the low hum of the castle settling for the night and the occasional creak of the four-poster bed as he shifted.
He exhaled slowly, rolling his shoulders in an attempt to shake the tension from them. The full moon wasnât quite close enough to make his bones ache, but the restlessness was there, coiling under his skin.
The dorm was empty, just as heâd hoped. Sirius, James, and Peter would be down at dinner, likely causing some kind of scene that would earn them glares from McGonagall and cheers from the younger years. Normally, heâd roll his eyes and let himself be dragged into whatever chaos they concocted, but tonight, he couldnât stomach the noise, the energy, the sheer presence of other people.
Except⊠there was one person he wouldnât have minded.
The thought crept in before he could push it away.
If she were here, sheâd probably sit at the foot of his bed, legs crossed, rambling about some bit of homework sheâd been obsessing over or a book she thought heâd like. She had this way of filling the silence without overwhelming it, making it feel less like suffocating loneliness and more like something warm. Comforting.
But that was a dangerous train of thought.
He sighed, dragging a hand over his face before reaching for the book heâd left on his nightstand. He needed to distract himself. Because thinking about herâabout how much he wanted her hereâwasnât going to help anything.
Heâd managed to get through a chapter when there was a knock at the door. Odd. The boys wouldnât knock, even though sometimes they really should, and Lily would be at dinner with them. For a brief, fleeting moment his mind jumped to her but⊠no she wouldnât come by. Not that he didnât want her to, just that it seemed a touch intimate to have her here. Ignoring the ache in his bones, he went to answer the door.Â
ââWhen he pulled the door open, he froze.
She stood just outside looking up at him with something soft in her eyesâconcern, maybe, or curiosity. He wasnât sure. He was too caught up in the fact that she was here, standing at his door, looking like she belonged in this quiet, dimly lit space with him.
âHi,â she said, offering a small, hesitant smile.
Remus blinked, forcing himself to push past the shock. âHi.â His voice was rougher than he meant it to be, throat dry from disuse. He cleared it quickly, shifting so he was half-blocking the doorway. âWhat are you doing here? Shouldnât you be at dinner?â
She shrugged, like it was the simplest thing in the world. âI noticed you werenât there.â
He swallowed. Of course, she noticed.
âItâs nothing,â he said, leaning against the doorframe, feigning nonchalance. âJust wasnât feeling up for it.â
She nodded, âFigured. Thought you should at least have something.âÂ
Remus looked at the packaged food like heâd never seen anything like it before. It was silly the way his heart fluttered. Remus stared at the wrapped parcel in his hands like it was something sacred, something more than just a bit of dinner smuggled from the Great Hall. And maybe, in a way, it was.
He swallowed past the lump in his throat, willing himself to act like this wasnât affecting him as much as it was. âYou didnât have to do that,â he said, voice quieter than before.
She shrugged, casual in a way that made it clear she didnât see this as a big deal. âI know. But I wanted to.â
And thatâthat was what undid him.
Because she always did this. Slipped past his walls with such ease, knocked down his carefully built barriers without even trying. She made him feel seen, made him feel wanted in a way he wasnât sure he could handle. All of it done like it was second nature to her, and maybe it was. Remnants of their past selves where being together was like breathing, but right now in this body that housed a monster that could wreck havoc.Â
He exhaled sharply, running a hand through his hair before glancing at her. âYouâre ridiculous,â he muttered, shaking his head, but there was no real bite to it, there never was when he spoke to her.Â
She only smiled, âWhat a rude thing to say to someone who did something nice for you.âÂ
âThank you,â he laughs. Thereâs a beat of silence before Remus, in all his awkward glory, asks, âDid you⊠do you want to come in?âÂ
To his surpriseâand slight disappointmentâshe shakes her head, âNo, thatâs alright. I should head back down anyway.âÂ
âYeah, yeah, of course,â he says with a nod of his head. He does his best to ignore the wolfâs petulant noise of displeasure.Â
âHope you feel better soon,â she says with a sincerity that makes his heart ache. She waves before she takes her leave. He knows that she likely only left because he had chosen to sequester himself in his dorm, but part of him wished she had said.Â
The doorâs shut with a soft click. Looking at the contents of the parcel Remus is come over with several emotionsâgratitude, affection, and wistfulness. The contents were all things he enjoyed. Remus didnât really have a large appetite, much to his motherâs and Jamesâ chagrin. He picked at his plates more often than not, eating habits resembling a bird pecking at its food than a manâs.Â
Every time his mother had coaxed him to eat more, to hopefully fill out his thin frame he had rolled his eyes. Each time James did the same, though with slightly more success surprisingly, he had done so begrudgingly. But now, looking at the plate she had prepared he couldnât bring himself to even feign annoyance. The image of her sitting there fixing a plate for him with things he liked has a warmth settle in his chest. The action itself was sweet, perhaps the sweetest thing anyone had ever done for him, but it wasnât just that. It was clear and tangible evidence that she saw himâthat she paid attention to him just as much as he did to her.Â
Being seen by and being known by her was just like he thought it would be. It was frightening and exposing and wonderful all the same.Â
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