;)

theodore nott was your best friend since second year at hogwarts. from late night talks, to inside jokes, to shared opinions on practically everything and anything. you clicked with the boy instantly when you met, creating an unlikely bond that had a high chance of being a lifelong friendship you could rely on. 

theo had seen every version of you–your cringe phase that lasted way longer than it should have, to heartbreaks from ex-best friends that always left a scar. you had seen every version of him, too–his phase where he got the absolute worst haircuts to the time of his life where he was angry all the time due to the grief of his mother that always painfully clung onto him. 

to his credit, he had worked through the anger, unexpectedly becoming the sweetest, funniest, and caring boy you’ve ever known. 

which is why there was no surprise as to why you fell so hard for him. and that might have been your biggest downfall. 

2 years of wanting to be more than friends passed quickly. each day presented you with a new reason to long for him and you only fell harder from there.

it was the way he said certain words due to his accent, the way he recalled every little thing about you, the way he would brush his hands through his hair, or scowl at the unfunniest-funniest joke one of his mates made. 

your favorite was the way he made you feel seen. for hours, you’d sit in each other’s dorms, going into detail about whatever haunted you that day. ranging from things like an annoying first year, to a hilarious joke you couldn’t get out of your head that he’d love, to the heavier things like his past, your insecurities, and his pain. 

by your guys' seventh year, you knew everything about theo. 

—

what you didn’t expect, by any means, was when she came into the picture. a beautiful, kind, soft girl who had swept your best friend off his feet. 

you assumed that maybe theo played the game like lorenzo, never committing to one girl. or maybe even acting like mattheo, too busy with his own business to even try to look for anything permanent. possibly even a mix of both berkshire and riddle. 

you assumed that even if theodore fucking nott ever wanted to settle down, it would be with his best friend who he had inside jokes with, a deep connection, and a genuine bond. 

but to your demise, you were wrong about theo for the first time. 

—

“would you rather go on saturday or sunday?” you asked him. it was the first time in months that you two would hang out again. all his time had gone to his new girlfriend. 

“i don’t care,” theo replied sharply, much too focused on texting her back rather than the conversation at hand.

“well,” you started, trying to hide the disappointment from his response, “i don’t have any plans. i don’t know what your schedule is anymore.” 

between quidditch, his friends, and his girlfriend, theo had become a stranger to you, all the time spent in the past few years being reduced to just a one-hour-long timeslot to go to hogsmeade with him in 4 fucking months. 

“i don’t care,” he repeated himself, “just tell me when to show up and i’ll be there, i’ll make time.” 

god. that sentence would have caused butterflies in your stomach if he hadn’t said it with that disdainful tone you only ever heard him talk in nowadays. in that moment, it was crazy to think that there was once a point in time when he said that same exact sentence in a sweet voice and a soft smile. 

you went silent for a bit, already feeling tears welling in your eyes at the treatment. “does–” you cleared your throat, “does sunday at 3 work?” 

“okay,” theo nodded, still not looking up at you, “is that it?”

“what?” 

“is there anything else you need from me?” he said, finally making eye contact with you. the kind that sent shivers down your spine. the blue eyes that had once been coated with love and kindness, the ones you were enamored by a year ago, were cold. 

“oh,” you simply said, mentally trying to recover, “um, yeah, so i’ll–” 

“eccezionale,” theo said, pushing off the wall and leaving, “see ya.” was all you were met with before he had disappeared down the corridor. 

—

sunday rolled around. you sat in the slytherin common room, cozied up by the couch to pass time as you waited for theo to come downstairs. 

you weren’t sure how this hangout would go. you hadn’t had a proper conversation with him in months. 

you pictured it. you knew you weren’t remotely lucky enough for him to stay off his phone the whole time. you expected (and prepared) for any conversation about her. you also expected some awkward air, but eventually you knew it would fade back into the routine you and him always had: chatty, carefree, jokes, and everything in between. 

but when enzo and mattheo walked down the steps, chatting about how blaise and draco embarrassed themselves at a rager a few nights prior, everything came crumbling down. 

“oh hey,” enzo said, spotting you first. mattheo nodded his head to acknowledge you.

“hi,” you smiled at the two boys, returning the greeting.

“you down here for pansy?” mattheo asked, making a gesture up towards the staircase once more. 

“nah, i’m supposed to hang out with theo today.” you answered. you knew theo had the tendency to be late, especially now more than ever. 

to your surprise, the two boys shared a weary look, turning to you again before enzo spoke up, “nott’s with his girl right now.” 

“do you know what time he’s coming back?” you asked, still hopeful of the possibility that your best friend hadn’t turned into a complete dickhead who ditched you. 

“... he just left.” mattheo answered.

and oh merlin if your heart hadn’t dropped. 

enzo came closer, patting your shoulder, muttering a sympathetic apology before he left with mattheo. 

you weren’t sure whether he or matty had said more, possibly offering comfort or a solution or something helpful. 

but you couldn’t focus on anything other than the fact that your best friend– the boy who put a smile on your face everyday, who made your heart leap and soar, who knew you better than anyone– had turned into someone you couldn’t recognize anymore. 

you realized then that the theo who was your best friend since second year was gone. 

and he wasn’t coming back. 

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mattheo held the cigarette up to his lips to take another drag, he looked down at the box, only seeing 4 out of 10 left. shrugging, he stuffed the box into his back pocket. he only bought that box an hour ago. 

he slowly inhaled the grey fog, thinking of all the problems he had going on. being busy with O.W.L exams he didn’t want to care about but had to, his parents, and of course, you. 

he entered the common room again, seeing dozens of students fucking around, getting drunk, dancing, and singing at the party. he swiftly made his way to the couch he was sitting at before taking a smoke break. enzo, theo, and draco looked at him to acknowledge him before returning to their usual shenanigans.  

the only reason he had smoked so much in such little time was because of you. you and your stupid little boyfriend who you loved so dearly. your dumb boyfriend who didn’t know you the way mattheo did. your idiotic boyfriend who could never love you the right way. 

mattheo wasn’t sure why you loved him. what was it about your boyfriend that he didn’t have? what did your boyfriend have or do that earned the purest look of love from you? the one mattheo could only dream about?

he watched you slip away from your boyfriend to take a breather from the party. so, in a moment of courage, he got up from the couch yet again, following you into the corridor.

“hey. i like the look of your shoes, didn’t get the chance to compliment you.” he said, watching you slump against the wall.

“that’s a really stupid way to word a compliment.” you laughed, grinning back at the boy. you watched him pull out another cig, “those are terrible for you,” you said. 

“your boyfriend smokes,” he retorted, lighting the roll. 

“and i scold him every time for it,” you reply, taking mental note of the bitterness laced in his voice. “the same way i do for you.” 

you and mattheo always argued about his shitty habits. the fighting, the smoking, the blowing off classes, the late night drinking, all of it. after all, you cared about the boy. 

as many times as you two argued about those things, though, mattheo could never bring himself to listen. always drowning out your scolding since he was too busy admiring the slight frown on your lips or the creases your eyebrows formed, along with the eyes he had fallen in love with.

“it’s not that bad, you honestly don’t have to worry.” mattheo exhaled, ignoring your comments.

“everyone thinks otherwise,” you argue, “you need to slow down. seriously.” 

“oh, c’mon. they’re just saying that. i’m not half as bad as what you've been told.” he rolled his eyes, indulging in the 7th cigarette in that hour alone. 

“you know it’s a problem,” you frown, “i don’t know why you continue.” 

mattheo did know it was a problem. he know all of his terrible habits were slowly eating at his life.

but how else could he cope? how could he distract himself from the feelings he had for you that tore him apart? 

you sigh again, knowing you wouldn’t be able to get through him, “i’m gonna head back, i’ll see you around.” 

mattheo bit back the urge to yell your name, to ask you to stay for even a moment longer. he held back though, keeping his lips wrapped around the cigarette.

— 

“mattheo,” you sighed, staring at the broken boy in front of you. “it’s 1 in the morning. what are you doing here?” 

“was close, gettin’ drunk and high. my dorm feels s'far away.” he said honestly, slurring his words a bit.

“come on, come inside,” you said, opening the door wider. mattheo sat on the foot of your bed, putting his head in his hands. “drink some water.”

mattheo didn’t even realize you had already retrieved a chilled bottle of water until you handed it to him. he quickly downed the cold water, refreshing his throat of the alcohol burn and smoke. he looked to you, a concerned face painting your features.

he subconsciously smiles as he noticed your pajamas; flannel pants, and a perfectly fit shirt. he took note of your sleepy expression and slightly messy hair, trying to commit the sight to memory, hoping the image of you would be burned into his eyelids if he looked long enough. 

“why’re you smiling?” you smilied back slightly, noticing his gaze. “and what are you doing getting drunk and high?” you flicked his forehead. “i’ll walk you to your dorm, c’mon.” you said, grabbing his hand and pulling him up.

—

now you and mattheo, along with enzo, theo, and draco, were trying to study for your O.W.L exam in 2 weeks. you were all sat at a table in the library, late at night, with different books and notes scattered across the table. 

despite what mattheo did, he couldn’t take his mind off you and the memories he shared with you. 

“mattheo...” theo dragged, “what ingredients go into amortentia?” he asked once again after he noticed he had mattheo’s attention again. 

“yeah, yeah, i’m not sure– sorry, mate.” the curly haired boy rubbed his eyes, “im gonna go have a smoke.” he said before abruptly leaving.  

“5 minute break, i guess.” enzo shrugged, leaning back on his chair. you followed

mattheo out, watching him light his cigarette in the corridor. 

“what’s up with you?” you questioned, impatiently crossing your arms. 

mattheo raised a brow, “do you want some too?” he asked, holding the bud closer to her. 

“no, i hate that shit, remember?” you frowned, fanning smoke out of your face while he pulled his arm back. 

“sorry- yeah, i knew that. i don’t know- im not really thinking.” mattheo sighed, he opened his mouth to explain more but was cut off.

“what’s going on with you? if you don’t care to study for the exam then don’t. you’re not forced to be in the library with us.” you snapped. 

“no, its not that, i’ve just been stressed with a lot.” he admitted, “and on top of that, there’s you.” he still wasn’t thinking, instead, more focused on blowing the smoke out of his lungs.

“what?” your face fell at the sudden confession. 

his eyes grew wide upon realizing what he said. “no. wait.  i didn’t mean you’re the problem.” mattheo countered, panicking at what the sentence could have insinuated. 

“then what?” you were almost begging for an answer, looking at the boy with so many different emotions. 

“well, i… i like the cut of your jib.” he said, stumbling. the words that came out of his mouth would have had you looking at him as if he was insane if you weren’t aware of what his phrase meant. 

he liked the cut of your jib. he liked you. he liked the way you looked, the way you spoke, the way you carried yourself. he liked your personality, your demeanor, and you.

he just confessed that he liked you. 

in reality, though, his feelings were much, much more than like. 

“what..?” your voice disappeared. you didn’t share those feelings, you were already in love with somebody else.

“and i know you love your boyfriend, and i hate him because you look so pretty yapping about him. and-”

“break’s over!” draco called out to you two in the corridor.

you and mattheo looked at each other. mattheo sighed and walked away, presumably heading to his dorm or some other place far away from you and your friends. you went back to the library, trying to forget the conversation you just had with mattheo.

—

you two hadn’t spoken since the study session, which had been over 2 weeks now. he had been sitting in his dorm, recovering from the intense O.W.L exam he had taken a few hours prior. he sorted through his closet, searching for something to wear to a party.

while searching the closet, he found one of your shirts that you left at his house after a shower, long before your boyfriend came into the picture.. the shirt smelt like you, and it was making him feel sick and feverish. 

even while at the party he was contemplating what he was going to do with himself now that you wouldn’t speak to him. 

he eventually decided that having you only as a friend would be better than not having her at all. 

he impulsively called you at 1:02 am, knowing you’d be awake since you never really got a lot of sleep anyway. 

matty didn’t remember a thing, since it hurt too much, but somehow the conversation ended with you two of them chatting for hours about your boyfriend. 

knives pierced his heart cruelly, listening as every word created another wound. but he didn’t care, he didn’t mind that he would be making himself wanna die. he only cared about you, and he proved that as he would be helping her get your stupid boyfriend’s attention daily.

i do not permit my work to be copied, translated, or reposted on different sites

dni if you support pro-life, racism, homophobia, transphobia, antisemitism, sexism or anything along those lines!

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