Shining

God, Ive felt so unhinged as of late. I feel as though I cant talk to the people I normally do, I feel isolated and alone, but I know its just my brain playing tricks on me again. Ive felt pike Ive needed to sob, like my life is passing me as i stand frozen, idly by. Again, I know its an illusion, but the guilt hits just as hard.

Do you ever trace the events that lead you to where you were when you found out? Found out that a lover wanted to leave, or that your parents were splitting, or that a loved one had committed suicide? In moments like these I reflect, reflect on the oath which lead me to this point and what I could have done differently. However, part of living is learning to let go of the blame you place on yourself, and learning to live with the loss. It isn’t easy. It never was meant to be easy, any of it. However, holding onto the pain magnifies and intensifies the despair in your heart. So toss the pain to wind, but keep the memories of happier times in your heart, so that they’ll be there when they’re needed most.

I remembered today, a book I read in my youth. In it, there was a passage that I had taken up to be my guiding light so to speak, it was something along the lines of “the universe conspires for you.” Then it happened. I lost so much of myself, and because of that, I lost years of my life trying to escape from a hole that seemed to get deeper the more desperate I became to escape it. But now… I have some respite? Some newly found sense of self and self-assuredness. In this moment, I am tempeted to think that the author got it wrong. That the universe conspires for the sake of you. It humbles you, it forces you to adjust, to never be too complacent in who you are. It lifts you up, to meet the expectations you have for yourself, or to adjust your expectations to something that is within your realm of possibility. However chaotic and unpredictable life and its experiences are, I hope that there is some possibility of this fantasy I hold to bleed into our collective reality, and for the desire of self-improvement graces those around me, as well as myself.

There’s something magical about eating soup outside. With the birds chirping, the sun in the air and the cars rushing by. Life is chaos, but amidst that chaos, there is soup and a brief amount of peace~

Drinking coffee was his version of smoking cigarettes. It gave him a sensation to fixate on, something that he could use to focus on whatever was infront of him, and it was a ritual that gave him peace whenever he performed it here. Here was relative, he thought. He was leaned up against his van in a national park in Texas. The true night sky shone above him in a cloudless night, and everyone else he had come with were fast asleep in the vehicle. The cool February air blew through his hair, causing him to swipe his hand through it as to restore it to its original place and relieve his temporary annoyance with his longish hair. He took another swig of his coffee. Sure it was 4 in the morning but that didnt mean he couldn't enjoy something he had a newfound appreciation for. He sighed as he took the cup down from his lips, feeling the air from his lungs brush over his warm tongue. Goose bumps enveloped his arms as he felt a calling from the night sky above. He felt strangely comforted by the universe dangling above him. Yeah humanity didnt know what was out there, but at least he knew there were stars, and galaxies, and constellations his ancestors had created stories about. There wasnt a single shred of existential dread in his mind. The universe was vast, far bigger than him, but he was apart of it. It was his home. Yes he would die one day, just as he had been born years ago, and even though he didnt know what would happen after that, he again wasnt concerned. Maybe it was the coffee, maybe it was the air, but he could almost feel the sky above holding him like a blanket. He wasnt scared, nor nervous nor frightened, no he was at peace, serenity. He had found the eye of the storm. So he continued to lean against the van while his friends slept, and he took in the moment the universe had given him.