Alisa U Zemlji Chuda
Product Placement
cherry valley forever
Sweet Seals For You, Always
will byers stan first human second
❣ Chile in a Photography ❣
Cosmic Funnies
noise dept.
if i look back, i am lost
almost home
Today's Document
Jules of Nature
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
occasionally subtle
Cosimo Galluzzi
Keni
Three Goblin Art
pixel skylines
seen from United States
seen from India
seen from United States
seen from Netherlands
seen from Russia
seen from Mexico
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Malaysia
seen from Netherlands
seen from India
seen from Poland
seen from United States
seen from Germany
seen from United States
seen from Chile
seen from Germany
seen from TĂĽrkiye
seen from Malaysia
seen from Malaysia
@apostatebeau
Florence + The Machine singing “when I decided to wage holy war, it looked very much like staring at my bedroom floor” and “I know I may not look like much, just another screaming speck of dust, but oh God you’re gonna get it, you’ll be sorry that you messed with us” hits different for exmos
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I’ve often heard people describe traumatic experiences as being broken, like a mirror or a vase. Shattered into pieces that they try to pick up and glue back together. But I never felt like that fit what had happened to me, and I think I now understand why.
Leaving the mormon church was not like a vase breaking. It was like an explosion. One that turns everything in the vicinity to rubble and ashes.
There was nothing left of the world I knew. There were no pieces to glue back together. Everything around me, everything I’d believed to be true, had been obliterated.
And I was left with metaphorical burns. Burns that caused and still cause such intense pain during the healing process. I have been forever changed, forever scarred.
Things will get better, I know they will, but I cannot be put back together like a broken vase. I guess what I’m hoping for is that, eventually, the burns won’t hurt so much, and something new will grow through the rubble and ashes.
Always aware of how fucked up my mormon upbringing was but hoo boy sometimes specific things hit me in the gut and this morning it’s the fact that the church pretty much created me. Created me to be a block of clay to mould into a mindless thrall. I would not exist if the church and the local bishop hadn’t directly pressured my parents to have a baby immediately after getting married, which due to financial reasons they almost certainly would not have done if not for the church’s orders. I am quite literally a product of mormon mind control. And that realisation makes me feel sick to my stomach.
Thinking about the recovery journey today and where I am in it.
Feeling very adrift in this space where I no longer care about what the church is doing, I no longer care about Joseph Smith or how the BoM and the whole history of the church as we were taught it is bullshit. I’ve gone through that. I’ve processed it. I recognise it for what it is.
I don’t care about the church anymore, but it’s clear that the monumental damage it inflicted is still here and still causing issues. I still have open wounds, and while I understand them so much better now, they’re still bleeding.
I don’t know what else to say except that this journey is hard, and that it takes time and effort, and even if you’ve moved on from the church itself and you’re completely settled in your non-belief and atheism, that can’t un-do the trauma and it can’t close those wounds.
I guess part of me believed that distancing myself completely from the church was the end of the recovery journey. But it’s not. And that feels strange.
But I know I’ll get there. More therapy, more work on myself. It’s absolutely been worth it so far and it will continue to be worth it. I know there’s a way out of this.
what are some lesser known songs that give you guys religious trauma vibes? looking to beef up my playlist
Definitely got some:
Burn It Down - Daughter (the lyrics to this one....)
Church - Lawless, Valen
Unsteady - X Ambassadors
Which Witch - Florence + the Machine
Devil Like Me - Rainbow Kitten Surprise
Losing My Religion - BELLSAINT
Throne - Saint Mesa
Twisted - MISSIO
It’s Alright - Mother Mother
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
i’ve been working on unpacking my religious trauma in therapy and it has been incredibly gratifying but also terrifying. i am beginning to recognize how exactly an LDS upbringing can damage the mind.
i internalized pieces of doctrine so deep that they color every thing i think and do, even years after leaving. my faith in the church was so blind and so uncompromising that i now have no sense of foundational belief that guides my actions. i believed that the church wholly and unconditionally true, and so i never developed my own personal beliefs and morals that were not informed by LDS doctrine. now i am unable to trust myself and unable to trust my judgements because i struggle to even make a judgment in the first place. most times i feel scared and hollow; sometimes i feel like i don’t exist at all.
i blame myself for anything and everything i can on the off-chance that the church is true in hopes that putting myself through that suffering for my own and other’s sins will save me, will cleanse me of guilt. i say i don’t believe in the church but i act and i worry as if my every action has eternal consequences. i punish myself so no one else will. i punish myself before i get the chance to sin because i internalized mormonism’s angry, distant god. and some part of me still believes he is waiting for my return to his presence so he can send me to hell for my apostasy.
the threats still loom over me like stormclouds. i struggle to connect to people because i have been taught to not trust them and to not trust myself. i have been taught that family is forever, that love is forever, only if you follow in the narrow, enduring path of the church’s teachings. i look at the people i love and part of me grieves because i still feel like i will spend eternity alone in darkness, apart from them. i act as though loneliness is my destiny. i can’t convince myself that will ever be untrue.
logically i know that my actions are minuscule, and that i am not the terrible person the church has made me feel i am. i am not responsible for the salvation of mankind. i am allowed to rest without punishing myself first. there is no god waiting to make me pay for my sins. i am enough and have always been enough. i am loved, i give love, i listen, i learn, i accept, i treat people with the grace and acceptable i hope they will give me. but there is a hard, cold pit of anguish deep in my core that i can never fully exhume. i am horrified by the thought of the hate and the ignorance and the oppressive beliefs internalized by the hundreds of my ancestors before me. for the women trapped in polygamous marriages, for the children born to those women who did not want them, for my uncle who committed suicide after being outed as gay at BYU, for the Black members who were denied the priesthood, for the sexual assault victims who were not believed, for the 18 year old newlyweds who enter into commitments they are not ready for, for every person like me who spent their childhood and teen years driving themselves insane with guilt and worry.
i grieve for all of us.
Thinking about something my new therapist said yesterday. She listened to me talk about the church for a while and asked me a few questions, and then she said something that’s been on my mind ever since.
I’m paraphrasing but she said it sounded like the mechanisms the church used to get members to stay and to feel isolated from the world are still trying to operate in my head, they’re still trying to do what they were designed to do by not letting me move on and let go.
Even though I’ve left and even though I don’t believe anymore, the church’s mental machinery is still trying to keep me isolated, still trying to claw me back.
I guess another way of phrasing this would be that the church made us believe we could not be happy or live meaningful lives without the church, and that the outside world was a dark place (full of sin and satan and his followers) that would reject us and where we could not truly belong. And that kept us in the church.
But then you find out the truth about the church and you leave, and you don’t believe anymore but those thoughts still linger. The old machinery still tells you that you can’t be happy without the church, you can’t live a meaningful life, the world outside the church will reject you and is a place in which you can’t truly belong. Except this time you can’t turn to the church for comfort because you see it for the lie it is. There’s no going back. But the church won’t let you go forward either.
I wish I had a redo button for the past few years. I was too Recently Traumatized to have fun in college and I want to go back to try out Having Experiences without being Terrified of Hellfire For Drinking Coffee
Thinking about something my new therapist said yesterday. She listened to me talk about the church for a while and asked me a few questions, and then she said something that’s been on my mind ever since.
I’m paraphrasing but she said it sounded like the mechanisms the church used to get members to stay and to feel isolated from the world are still trying to operate in my head, they’re still trying to do what they were designed to do by not letting me move on and let go.
Even though I’ve left and even though I don’t believe anymore, the church’s mental machinery is still trying to keep me isolated, still trying to claw me back.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I'm not saying that the church is wrong and negative human emotions like fear, sadness, and anger are actually good and healthy but that's exactly what I'm saying
The church teaching you that emotions like anxiety, doubt, sadness, and anger are inherently bad or sinful is such a clever yet devious way to keep people in the church. My church, at least, had a big emphasis on "If what I'm telling you offends you in anyway, then your spirit knows I'm right even though your flesh is rejecting it." It completely protects the church from the consequences of what they say. If it hurts you, you need more church until it stops hurting. If it doesn't hurt you, keep going so it doesn't start. You can't fight it because if you do you're resisting G-d's word itself. They're telling you your most basic alarm system is faulty, especially when it's them setting it off. It's a lose-lose situation and the prize is feeling guilty whenever you're at your most human
woke up drenched in sweat after a dream about being back at church in the ward I grew up in...that I left over 7 years ago...when will I be free
I wonder how much of my inability to trust that other people actually want me to be a part of their group has to do with the fake friendliness the church forces all of its members to give to people.
sometimes I suddenly remember the weird mormon fortune telling experience of sitting in a dimly lit room with some old guy’s sweaty hands on your head while he comes up with absolute bullshit for like an hour
Thinking about how difficult it is to move on when there isn’t one single person responsible for what happened to you. There isn’t someone to shout at, to blame, to hold accountable. No single person did anything so terrible that you can focus on to try to obtain justice. It was just everyone, everywhere, doing things and saying things that didn’t stand out as being abusive at the time, and that they believed in their own twisted way were in your best interests.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
I know I talk about my parents a lot but I think it's funny that they don't believe that blessing am infant into a religion is not forcing beliefs on that child.
I understand wanting your child to be of your faith. What I don't understand is making it a literally "sin" if they leave. Why do parents make them feel as though the family is torn apart if you leave the church?
I just it's so frustrating how blind people of the Mormon religion are. If it's sanctioned by the church then it's perfectly fine no questions asked.
List of good feelings after leaving religion:
- finally figuring a problem out after spending ages on it and knowing you did it on your ownÂ
- connecting with people on a human level and learning from them now that you’re not trying to convert them
- finally being proud of yourself for accomplishing things
- actually noticing and enjoying the little things the world has to offer without feeling separate from everything
- planning your future the way you want it and without worrying about the world ending
- no longer trying to force or suppress emotions
- making decisions based on the facts in front of you and what you want, without asking god or church leaders or thinking about what they would want
- actually being an authentic person
- little things like how you wear your hair and what clothes you choose to wear reflect who you are now
- your choices reflect your character and morals now, not god’s
- learning about evolution and realizing you are connected to every living thing after spending your life feeling isolated
- “I don’t know” isn’t terrifying anymore and it follows with “well let’s find out”
- challenging your views without fear and guilt
- realizing the world isn’t this terrible, scary, corrupting place and knowing your actions can make it better
- your smiles are genuine now and not just a way to let others see the “truth” through you
- feeling connected to and caring about others much more now that you no longer judge everyone you meet
- the feeling you get from helping people is so much more rewarding then the feeling you got from praying for them
- knowing if you choose to have a family at some point, it will be because you genuinely love them and wanted them
- trying your best because this life is all you have, it isn’t just a trivial test
- your dating life and sex life are entirely your choice now and no one is watching you unless you want them to
- pursuing your passions regardless of whether they follow gender norms or what your church thinks
- standing up for yourself and feeling pride after, not guilt
- swearing is very satisfying
- feeling compassion for people now in place of condescensionÂ
- you don’t have to worry about being someone else’s idea of perfect
