Untitled

Where do I draw the line between what's real and what's a fantasy? I don't even know why I want to talk to Atul and why I am trying at this point. Only pray that lord gives me the strength to fight whatever demons I have to face in my head and not sabotage myself. It's all going to be good. That's all I know. Isn't it. Please god help me .

Had lovely dream in the morning, meeting Atul, went on some holiday, a shady hotel but okay., atul is showing me a new house. A beautiful villa sort independent house in the city. It was well lit. Only saw it from outside.

Its enough. We have to meet. We are meeting one way or the other . We are having a lot of sex too..

I had this intense dream of hugging him and kissing him. Telling him openly that I love him. And the reality is very different. He is not texting me again. I am tired god. Really tired. What can I even expect now. This isn't how it was meant to be. If this is the darkness before dawn ..then it's taking a lot of time for the sun to rise .

Text me Now! Talk to me now! It's enough of silence. We are sorting this out and moving on to our next level.

I am very sad . I don't want to be so. I trust that whatever happens will happen for the best. This is beyond my control. I am very sorry god. Please help me god. This is important for me.

Baby what have I done wrong ? Was it a very big crime that you are punishing me for so long? Why can't you talk to me? Stop avoiding it Atul. I am tired. And I am sure even you are tired.

So I realise that the mistake was mine this time. Maybe I was too quick to jump the gun . But what to do. ...I am still angry with him for talking to other people. Him not giving me time only makes me feel insecure. This too shall pass though.

Talk dumb fellow. Talk. Don't ruin this for both of us. You are being too egoistic now. Talk to me.

It is worse today baby. I don't know what has this become now. We have potential though.i pray that God guides me

I have to wait. Wait alot. It's too soon and I risk getting blocked too. I have plan to try to establish communication and re-open a channel. I need to be silent though. Not pressed him into anything. I love you Atul and you need to text me back asap. You cannot do this to us. I am sorry.

Finally broke up on 9th may. Maybe he wanted this all along. He wanted me to tell it out. He was very sweet today and I had a long face but still managed. All he said was okay. Didn't ask anything. Nothing. I am such a big fool.

I am so done with his attitude towards me. In all of this I am the one who's going round in circles. I have been waiting since so many days. If he doesn't care he should leave me. Tomorrow I would like to talk about it. Phone or not. Because this doesn't happen on phone.