A Phony Blog

Doubt and Fear and Anxiety:

Insanity of Insecurity:

I’ll push you away And you’ll come back Everything was designed Designed for you to come back

I’ll push you away Only to reassure myself Reassure myself that you’ll return That your love isn’t conditional

I’ll push you away And pull you back in I need to know the nature The nature of your love

I fell in love so hard I loved everything about you I admired you for you And for everything that I lacked

I was heroic while falling in love Filled with desire and hope Nothing to lose Everything to gain

But as I fly high The ground comes into view And fear wins the day It’s insidious and unrelenting

It grows inside me, subtly First in my stomach And then my heart Finally my sweaty hands

How can i survive this fall Impossible from so high I need to come closer Closer to the ground

I’ll push and pull Nothing is permanent And if it must change Please let me be in control

Need me most of all Let me be irreplaceable I will lose myself for you As long as you only see me

Let me be jealous Let me be annoyed Let me dislike you Before you can dislike me

I will push on my terms But only i can push Please come back Forgive me for my foolishness

Let me know how hard How hard i can push Before you never return Let me know your limits

Your love must be Must be unconditional Unconditional on my behavior Cause i’m crazy like the rest

Accept me but allow me Allow me to reject you And then let me pull Pull you back in

If you push away I’ll push harder and faster It’s self preservation And i’m a survivor

I’ll do it because i’m afraid Afraid of being unloved On someone else’s terms Beyond my control

I hope to be released From this horrendus fear Of being alone and unloved And utterly powerless about it

Anxious Worry:

Restless soul of anxious worry Peace forgotten all is blurry

Racing thoughts of every kind Paralyzed by a distracted mind

Hard choices we neglect It's me, not you, I choose to protect

A shot of whiskey A dose of self-trickery

We do what we must We forsake our own trust

Abandon what is right Follow evil into the night

Ignorant to what is true Misguided values we pursue

Blame other for our plight Picking all the wrong fights

A vacuum of courage It's bullies we encourage

Virtues in short supply Abundance of people willing to lie

A fork in the road Two paths unforetold

Alice and the Existential Caterpillar:

“Who are you?” says the existential caterpillar

“I am me and you are you.” says Alice

“Are you sure that you’re not me and I’m not you?” says the existential caterpillar

“I’m not sure of anything anymore.” says Alice

“If you want to be you then be you.” says the existential caterpillar

“It’s not that easy.” says Alice

“Oh surely bieng yourself is one of the easiest things you can do.” says the existential caterpillar

“Well it’s not easy being me, it’s actually quite hard.” says Alice

“Now there you go Alice, nothing worth doing is ever easy.” says the existential caterpillar

“Oh you make no sense caterpillar. Am I to be myself which is supposed to be easy but is really hard or should I be you which is supposed to be hard but is really quite easy?” says Alice

“Why be me when you can be you?” says the existential caterpillar

“You speak nonsense caterpillar, just utter nonsense!” says Alice

“Oh Alice, if you think you or I make any sense at all, well then there’s really no hope for you.” says the existential caterpillar

“So why do you ask such questions when there’s no making sense of you or I?” says Alice

Relativity:

We are meteorites flying through space. Waiting impatiently for contact. Proof that we exist. Proof that we matter.

Our body gives us shape. Our soul gives us color. The universe gives us context. The people give us meaning.

Those who lack purpose are doomed. Those who have purpose are blind. Those who judge purpose are unwise.

Aotearoa:

What it meant to her I’ll never know. A childhood dream? The promise of happiness? The answer to why?

Its meaning lay somewhere in the rolling hills between the earth and the sky. Guarded by nature and hidden by the sea. Its meaning was yet another piece to the puzzle. It would bring me one step closer to her heart and soul. An enduring mystery veiled by her dark brown eyes. A secret well kept and rarely shared. Every insight earned and every opening only temporary.

Life Support:

Frequency:

Thoughts on self-esteem: