Vent blog

My delusions might’ve saved my sanity but I have to morn the loss of some fiction that brought me joy, now it’s a possible trigger for my delusions.

There’s a webtoon version of the first book which you can read for free on the line webtoon app (you can only read like 2 chaps at a time though) because if it wasn’t for that series I would’ve never thought something was wrong with my situation.

Both books can be bought on Amazon but I read it like this

Webtoon > sequel > first book

Because I had done so much emotional labor, with holding my needs & wants just to hear I was another chess piece on their table, so that’s why I’m so sure that I’m experiencing psychological abuse because I could never EVER be the one that was right.

And so to keep up the illusion of compromise they painted me as a selfish person to dull the hardships of others! Talk about cruel Apathy! And since they’ve established that they’re suicidal from a young age from me I ended up living through a minefield.

If I pour too much of my emotions into them they’ll push me away and find some way to devalue my feelings in that moment; therefore removing any sense of agency within me causing me to distrust myself.

And if I bottle it up and then explode out of nowhere I’m blaming them for everything, l can’t see how good I have it, others have it worse than me yadayada.

And repeat basically.

It’s basically 2 mentally ill people trying to heal one another because at this point I don’t give a damn because; I have already killed myself mentally and the fact that they never asked why I was lashing out like that speaks volumes to me.

Always just moves me to simmer alone; never trying to see if maybe they or something they do is the problem .