honestly? mood.

i refused to stay buried because i love you why are you running

babe it's me i'm just covered in dirt and blood because i had to claw my way up into the light and crawl on my hands and knees back home to you stop screaming

I need a blowjob but I don’t have a penis or a strap on and I’m not taking off my pants so you’re just gonna have to figure it out

Best customer I’ve ever had was when some rich white cape cod lady in a floor length fur coat came into my store and asked her daughters what sweated pants were and how to wear them and her daughters kept trying to explain what sweat pants were to her and she was completely and utterly flummoxed by them

She asked if sweat pants are bisexual and her daughter was like “unisex?” and she was like “sure”

everything is a reference when you're crazy

You’re just not ready. At no point in this video when he says the next thing are you ready.

we need to periodically remind everyone that a headline not including a person's name isn't an attempt to erase their identity from the narrative, it's just not good practice to put someone's name in a headline unless the reader can be expected to already know who they are

"if you can say the name in the article why can't you say the name in the headline?" what do you think a headline is for

Guy who doesn't understand that killing is murder: we can just kill him, right? That's legal

you can always steal from wizards of the coast. it's always morally correct.

Thought this was a shitpost and nearly reblogged it with 'you can never steal from wizards of the caves. It's always morally despicable.' Then remembered it's a brand

you can always steal from wizards of the coast. it's always morally correct. <- this time it's actually about wizards that all live on the coast and who i hate with my entire being

the road OUT of hell is also paved with good intentions. That’s just kind of the main road we’ve got

I vividly remember this because I got an alert on my phone that a clown was spotted close to university campus

someone reported you on your way to class?? 😧

i am banned from eating my herring inside. they make me eat it on the smoking area by the loading dock, under the theory that it already smells bad there. but it was raining today which was preventing my breakfast, so i was feeling sad and hungry and then i realized that there was a large cardboard box in the dumpster from a previous delivery. like a fridge sized box. so i fished it out of the dumpster, then tipped it on its side and had a nice little cardboard cave to watch the rain and eat my fish in. which was a great experience. very soothing. very zen. at least until the security guard from the day before stepped outside to smoke. then i tried hiding from him by crawling deeper in the box, which unfortunately did not work. instead he saw a sort of damp sniveling pale hairless creature eating fish in a box, and delivered the verbal killshot of "good morning, mr. smeagol." which is how my day was ruined before 8 am.