She Is More

I thought/think of you

I went to work today.

I got up early and did my make up.

I answered my emails and wrote my to-do list.

I talked to my students and made them laugh.

I finished my meeting and sang in the car on the way home.

I went to work today and I thought of you.

I saw my best friend today.

I got up late and had a shower.

I did my make up and let my hair do its thing.

I answered my texts and danced around my kitchen.

I saw my best friend and laughed until my stomach hurt.

I saw my best friend today and I thought of you.

I went to the gym today.

I got up early and did my stretches.

I walked on the stair master.

I lifted weights and lost my breath.

I had a shower and did my make up.

I went to the gym today and I thought of you.

I went on holiday today.

I got off the plane and felt the sun.

I took too many photos and ignored my phone.

I sat on the beach and dived in the ocean.

I did my make up and drank too many cocktails.

I went on holiday today and I thought of you.

I thought of you today.

I woke up and had a shower.

I thought of you today.

I got dressed and did my make up.

I thought of you today.

I ate my breakfast and danced around the kitchen.

I thought of you today.

I talked to my mum for an hour on the phone.

I thought of you today.

I finished my book and started a new one.

I thought of you today.

You And You And You

You authored promises you had no intention of keeping yet expected, no demanded, my forgiveness each time.

You created worlds in my head then laughed when I believed them to be real.

You drew wounds that you had no intention of healing all while claiming the scars were created by my own tongue.

You weaved words into my brain until they were permanently engrained and I awoke each morning reciting your lines as if they were true.

Bulletproof Memories

It has been said our memories can be unstable but I’ve never felt calmer than when I’m remembering the first time you text me on a Sunday afternoon 15 hours after we met and 8 hours after we hugged goodbye for the very first time.

I believe I once read the more you recall a memory, the more it changes but I would swear the way I remember you tracing the freckles sprinkled across my back every Saturday morning has never been so true.

I’ve been told that forgetting often creates space in our minds to learn new things yet I dread the day I can no longer remember the street you lived on when we first met.

A friend once claimed that the easier it is to recall something, the less we are learning and I’ve never found something to be so true. I can recall everything about you from the nickname of your childhood best friend to how many cities have felt your footprints yet I cannot learn how to unlove the echoes of your laughter or the feel of your hand warming mine.

My favourite teacher once told me that I am the only one who can control my learning but how can this be true when I cannot learn how to walk through the park without reaching for your hand? How can this be true when I cannot learn how to survive a morning without your name falling from my lips? How can this be true when I cannot learn how to fall asleep without you whispering sweet dreams from your side of the bed?

Research suggests that our memory has a limitless capacity but how I wish that wasn’t true. How I wish I could erase the way you would call me at 5:27pm everyday to remind me it was time to leave work.

Believe It When

People will show you who they are. You’ve just got to believe it.

Believe it when the text messages are read but the reply is never sent. Believe it when the phone calls are ignored and you start to remember the sound of their voicemail over the sound of their voice. Believe it when the facetimes are declined with no reasons given. Believe it when plans are forgotten and promises are broken.

But remember there’s the other side too….

Believe it when they bring you doughnuts on a Tuesday afternoon just because they know they’re your favourite. Believe it when they pick out a bunch of flowers just because it made them think of you. Believe it when they book a midweek dinner just to spend time with you. Believe it when they phone to check you're home safe and keep talking until they hear the lock click. Believe it when they don’t just say that you’re important to them but when they prove it with every action, every thought, every smile.

The Moments Between

We’re taught to believe the big moments matter most. The first kiss, the public declarations, the scattered rose petals, the bended knee, the steps towards I do. And of course these moments matter, they truly do. But what about when the big moments have passed and only you and the ever fading memories of them are barely hanging on?

What about when you’ve slept through your alarm, when your car won’t start, when you hit every red light, or when you can’t find your keys? What about when you’ve just had a really hard day, week or month and you just want a hug?

At times like this, when everything is going wrong and the world feels upside down, the big moments fade into obscurity and skulk in the shadows afraid to show themselves in case they aren’t enough after all.

At times like this, the small things become what we need most and I promise you they won’t let you forget them. They grow and twist around our insides and work their way into our very consciousness as their demands for recognition echo louder and louder.

So in the chaos of badly timed red lights, lost keys and shitty days try to remember when your person got your coffee order right for the first time, try to remember every time your person played your favourite song to cheer you up, try to remember when your person wore the outfit you love just because and try to remember all the other mundane moments in the midst of it all.

Patience

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience has travelled twice around the universe, hung itself from shooting stars and twisted itself in Saturn’s rings?

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience has tangled itself around your bones, fused itself to your nerves and become a part of your being, choking you from the inside out?

Patience is a virtue.

But what about when the patience can no longer vault the walls of your soul’s making, cross the valleys carved within your heart or fill the deafening silence of broken promises?

Patience is a virtue.

Patience is a virtue.

Your person