• Scream Poetry •

I miss you lately, not in the way where I want to see you, actually the opposite, I never want to see you again, yet here I am missing the person I laid nose to nose with and told everything to. I got so used to having you and now I’m used to not having you, but if I had the choice lately I’m so tired, I don’t want to do this alone, I’m exhausted and I know I can do it, and I know I am. But god it was easier collapsing into arms at night and shutting everything off. I miss you, but I won’t ever reach out for you again.

I wish I missed you less, wish I didn’t still think of you from time to time. I want my life back.

Tired of missing you, tired of hating you

I want my time back. I want it to not hurt anymore. I want to crawl into your bed and know that I have everything I need in that moment. I want you to tell me how proud you are again, I want you to make jokes and laugh it echo in the whole house. I want you to be the only person who makes it okay again. I want it back. I’m so scared all the time, and I miss you all the time. I just want to call you and you tell me it’s going to be okay. I want you back. We want you back.

You take away something from me every time you decide to speak. You take away my favourite memories every time you rewrite them to the public. You take away my favourite person the more you become someone I don’t recognize. You take away my self image the more you remind me how I should see myself. You take away every part of me that loved you every time you call me names to others. If you ever wonder where I am, what I’m doing now and if there’s any of you left in my life. You will be looking for the rest of your life, I want to be a nameless stranger you think looks kinda familiar, I want to have a mouth you don’t recognize and hands you’ve never seen before. A voice that doesn’t shake and anxiety that regulates no matter how much you waver. I want you to see me and wait for eyes that will not meet yours. I want you to wonder what I’m thinking and spend all night trying to get in my head that I’ve locked away. You don’t belong here, you don’t have any parts here anymore, you took them: you keep taking. I’m begging you to end it, I’m ready to let you go, out of my mind and mouth but I need you to as well. This chapter can’t have your name in it, I refuse.

If I could say anything to you, after biting my tongue for 8 months. I would say you made grieving the most important person in my life worse, you saw me at my worst and you decided to add onto it with your actions. It’s not hard to have empathy and compassion and yet you were cold when I was just asking for you to be there for a moment, you took it and you made the last 8 months trying to keep up your image to my friends and now you want to act like your on a high horse and I wronged you but you left me! You left me over and over again and yet you still refused to leave in the end, you don’t want me but you can’t put me and my life behind you, you keep trying to remind me of your existence so here it is. I remember you, I will keep remember you, but I can’t grieve someone who still thinks they have ties in my life, who still carries anger with my name attached. I wish you’d keep it to yourself, maybe find a therapist and leave it there. I don’t know who you are anymore but I do know you are a man I wouldn’t look twice at with the ego you carry, I’m not sorry for staying silent, I’m not sorry for trying to work it out and I’m not sorry for seeing you and catching you in all the lies, I’m not sorry I recorded you begging to get back to the start with me and say we’re gunna get there in tears only to turn around and try get into every girls pants and tell me it’s not disrespectful I’m not sorry for standing up, I’m not sorry for staying silent in every moment you tried to push me, I’m not going to react to someone who wants to bring something out of me, you are a monster in sheep clothings, I fell for it for over a year so I can’t blame the people around you, but I’ve seen you, and you are mean, you are dark and you are dangerous. I don’t have hate for you, I long for the man I knew, I long for the man I met, I long for the moments we had but you’ve changed, and not in a good way and I don’t even think you like yourself, and yet you refuse to change that:. I love you, but I do not want to ever be in the same room with you again.