Now The Sun Is Closer Than It Was Before

i loved my dad so much how could he leave me

bu gece nedense onu çok özledim 26

its over. i am moving on

i miss him. i miss him more than i miss my freedom. i would stay captive forever if it was meant to be with him. why we met right people in the wrong places, or in the wrong times? it’s crazy, i really fell in love finally, i was happy, and there was something i was looking forward to in life. why it was all taken away from me? i did not feel love for a really long time. i thought i was not capable anymore, even. just wjen i found out that i am capable, why is it gone? i miss him so much. i wish he was here with me. i miss his soft skin, soft cheeks, softest hair, i miss his smell... oh his smell. i can’t remember it. but i remember it was so fucking good. i remember he felt like a masculine but gentle garden? i miss his arms. i miss how strong he was, i miss how thick his biceps were. i miss how he kissed me. i miss the small giggles when we made out. i miss how comfortable it was to lying next to him. i miss how he begged me to stay just 5 minutes more, and how i ended up staying for two hours more. will it be ok? will i ever see him again? will it be the same? i think it wont be the same. we will forever be living with this ptsd forever. i just wanna know when everything will end. and i wanna know if its going to be ok. i just want to sleep, and wake up when everything is better.

this place... it’s like a weird dream. its so surreal, the timeline is off, characters are changing so fastly and they are usually too odd, the surroundings are like they are from the movie karoline, the church plays creepy music, and the clouds move too fast. it’s not home yet, i wonder will it ever be. too many boys that wants to hook up, but none of them is really interested. i am scared to get hurt. i am scared to do something wrong or that i already did it.

its crazy how i am with my first crush in college but i am still in love with the second one. my brain literally sabotages my happiness.

everything is so weird, it’s like it’s not my life that im living. im dating with my first crush in university for 3 weeks. at first i wanted to get revenge for breaking my heart but i ended up getting affected by him again. our first date was on wednesday and on friday we started dating, also had our first kiss. it was cringey and embarrassing, i told him i didn’t know how because my last kiss was 4 years ago. he was surprised and all but it didn’t went bad. it felt so hatural.

We are meant to be

I am so dead I am literally fucked I can’t take it anymore nothing will go allright I am trying to hold on to a little ray of hope but deep down I know nothing’s gonna happen I really can’t live like that anymore

It worked for a little time. Now im back to a void even darker than before. I really don’t want to live but don’t want to die either. I need something good to happen. I really can’t take it anymore

Inwas goimg really good. Now iö havşng an emotional breakdown in my car on campus

I have been postponing my emotional breakdown through the finals week, only pushing it deeper with occasional crying sessions in showers. I am seriously tired and afraid of what will happen once my finals are over. It’s hard to suppress them anymore. All I want is to go to my room and cry my eyes out without any questioning from my relatives. I really can’t anymore.

What a great closure to 2018. Really sums up everything. 2019 will not be like that

I break down so easily