Thank you for your letter. Now I am healthy in my mind, because Dr. Bhagat is treating me very well. Every 8 days I go and speak for one hour with Anjali, the therapist. So now we can start working on the book. I will tell you my life story in many letters.Â
Today, I am alone. Today, there is no one to explain or help me understand. No one comes to meet me nor do I go to meet anyone. Now I understand why becoming old is hard in India, because nobody helps the old people. If I had a family, if I had children, they would care for me.
I am very angry with Allah that in this life he had me born as eunuch. Eunuchs can only be happy in a group with other eunuchs, but I cannot live with them nor can I live alone. If God himself made the third-sex, then he should have insured that we are respected in society. Instead we get disrespect and insults.Â
In India eunuchs go to weddings and births and dance for blessings and get money in return. Many people like this custom, but many do not. That is why I do not like to be in the eunuch world. I want people to respect me as a human being. Is it not my right?Â
Do you have eunuchs in America and in Switzerland? Are they respected or not? What jobs do they do to earn a living?
My daughter Ayesha has been with Chaman guru for two years now and has gone to Pakistan with the eunuchs. But nobody informed me. Chaman guru does not return Ayesha to me, because she feels Ayesha will not have a good future with me. I have to obey Chaman, because he is my guru, but the bad thing is that he does not let me meet Ayesha.Â
Ever since childhood I could not understand why I was born this form. It is like a curse to be a eunuch. If I was a normal man, or even a woman, I would have a family today, even though I know that people are not happy in marriages these days. They fight and argue and hurt each other. But still, a family is very important. I know many husbands  keep mistresses these days, but they still have a family to share happiness and sorrow with. This aspect I do not like that as a eunuch I do not have a family. Society does not respect me, and on the road everyone stares at me. Because as a eunuch I cannot go to anyoneâs wedding or death as a normal person. You only stay with eunuchs.
Eunuchs come from all over and make their groups, and often someoneâs nature does not suit anotherâs. You can live in the same group for 40 years, but finally it amounts to nothing. Because we are not related by blood. So they are always fighting and dying among each other. This I could not tolerate in my old age, and so I separated from them. But now I am neither here nor there, not part of the eunuch world, not part of normal society. So I stay in the graveyard. You tell me where I can go now. I left my blood family when I was 17. I left my eunuch family when I was 60, and now I wait for Dayanitaâs visits or phone calls. When everyone deserted me and no one spoke to me nicely, Dayanita supported me. When I was in depression, she gave me the reason and strength to live.Â
I was sitting with Ayesha in my lap, i think it was 1989, and Dayanita came to my house to photograph me. We do not like  outsiders coming to see us, but I made her to sit in my house, and she photographed me. But I told her not to use the photographs, so she returned the film to me, because I have many relatives I did not want to see the photographs. Every time we give and interview, the journalists write whatever they want anyway. It was destined that we should become friends. i am sure she never even dreamt that a eunuch could become her best friend, and I am sure people ask her what she sees in me, but she has never bothered about what people say. From childhood I never received such true love from anyone but her. But if that day she had not listened to me and still used the photograph , we could never have become friends. She was very young and looking smart, but very innocent. Her behaviour is what endeared her to me. She sat right next to me and talked to me like she would have talked to a normal person. All afternoon we talked about our lives. Now it feels she is my own blood.Â
In the graveyard a blind maulvi (muslim priest) came and stayed and ate for a few days in my house and left. Then another poor man came to stay. When the blind man asking him were he was staying, and the poor man told him, he said:Â âOh, so you stay with Ahmed the hijra (eunuch)?â He enjoyed my hospitality for so many days, and finally I was just Ahmed the hijra to him. It is not his fault, though. Our society is like that. They cannot see beyond our being a eunuch. They forgot we have a heart, a mind, a point of view.
I am grateful that you called me a human being and not just a eunuch.
Singh, D., 2001. Myself Mona Ahmed. 1st ed. Berlin: Scalo.