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@anudelever
I canāt believe how much sexual frustration can really get to me.
When I fantasize about sex all I want is to leave you but when Iām not fantasizing I feel like there is no one else in the world Iād rather be with.
I donāt get it.
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Sometimes, I wonder if you think about these things?
I canāt even ask you without you feeling like the world is going to end...
Sigh...
I feel like the list of things that are wrong in this relationship seem to be longer than the list of things that are right.
Today, I woke up feeling: thank god I didnāt break up with you. This constant back and forth is tiring.
A few months ago, I would have happily married you with no regrets but now my resolve is weak...
I donāt get it.
I keep saying sex isnāt an important factor but it would be nice to have.
To some thatās such a small thing and yet that small thing can make or break this relationship, for me, at least.
Youāre so dependent on me... I hate it... at first I loved that I meant so much to you and now it feels like a burden.
I wonder will these feelings of resentment subside since expressing honest and dark feelings isnāt something I have the luxery of expressing.
Well, it is why I started this blog.
I wonder will I go back to fooling myself into happiness, ignoring these feelings. I hate that Iām the bad guy in this and here you are, still clinging on to me, begging me to stay when I try to break up with you and my heart feels like itās being slowly being ripped apart, every time.
How is it that you stayed in love and Iām the one who fell out of it? Am I the one with the problem? Incapable of loving anyone? Always running away to the next best thing thing?
If only it was you who felt this way. I would have gladly let you go; in relief. I want to be good to you but it is so hard to do so, feeling the way I feel.
I shouldāve gotten over you first before jumping into a relationship but I was so sure that I had... now Iām neither here or there. Fuck... how much longer can I drag this out until Iāve completely lost myself.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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It hurts thinking about you, I should be over you, we were never together; so why? Why is it so hard to just be friends with you? Why canāt I just see you as my friend? I want to let you go but knowing that youāll never be with me, hurts. I wish you wanted me the way I want you. I want to give you everything but I know I canāt. It was just supposed to be a crush that fades. Youāre very presence turns me on. Is it only me that feels the sexual tension? Why wonāt it go away? Why does my mind wander to you when I should be thinking about the person Iām with. Is it greed? Is it ego? Is it because I saw you as someone I canāt have so makes me want you more? What is it about you? Is it my delusions? A fantasy I want to enact? Why canāt I let you go when Iāve never had you?
I was happy when I heard you were having relationship problems. Secretly, I wish to convince you to break up. I thought Iād be happy for you. Finally youāre with someone and now I can stop thinking about you because now thereās no chance, so I have no choice but to move on. But it didnāt go the way I hoped, we are both committed, but years passed and Iām still thinking of you.
Last night I was so consumed with feelings of not wanting to be with you and then I woke up from sleep, regretting those feelings. Iām glad those emotions werenāt impulsively acted upon. I donāt know what happens to me sometimes. I guess maybe we just have days where our minds just wanders and you have this obsession on acting on it or at least I did. Last night, everything was bothering me. Iām sorry for thinking the things I did last night.
I wish you would let me go, please just let me go.
I wish we could just break up. Iām feeling so suffocated. I want to be held and yet, Iām here, awake, next to you and Iām too concerned about you then I am about myself.
I miss who I used to be when you werenāt in my life. Able to do whatever the fuck I wanted with whomever the fuck I wanted to. I feel a strong sense of resentment towards you. I hate that Iāve taken care of you and supported you more times than you ever have and yet here I am still with you because I donāt want to hurt you. I donāt know how much longer I can pretend to want to be in this relationship.
I wish I could find a way out of this trap.
You know, the reason why I agreed to dating you was because I knew youād love me more than Iād love you. I knew youād be loyal, and faithful. You were ambitious and attractive and i figured If I stayed with you long enough Iād fall in love too. Yet you fell for me hard and I was still waiting to fall in love also. I care for you deeply and I do love you but not in the same way as you feel for me. I am so comfortable with you... too comfortable.
I was told to always go for the one that loves you more than you love them. I did that but I wish I didnāt feel so guilty and empty when Iām with you. I keep thinking itās going to get better and some days I really am happy but on other days... not so much.
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
If we were to sleep together, would anything beyond that happen? Could we have maintained feelings or a relationship? If our physical desire dies out, would we be left with regret? Would we fall apart?
Youāre so simple and Iām an over thinker... Iām always attracted to a simpleton and then wonder why it turns out this way.
Maybe I just wanted a friend or someone that loved unconditionally. Thatās why Iām with you but with the other person I want desire, intimacy, passion.
They say one fades quick while the other lasts a lifetime. Yet an short lived happiness makes me think twice about staying with you...
All it would have taken is one kiss to my neck and I would have fallen and left you...
What does that make me? Horny? Desperate? A shitty person? Probably all of those things.
But you never asked or wanted to know what makes me aroused, horny. I guess thatās why our relationship turned out the way it did... platonic and comfortable... a routine... a habit.
The longer we stay in this relationship the harder it is to get out. I donāt want to leave you when you canāt even support yourself. Would you hate me if you knew Iām waiting till youāre financially independent to finally walk out on you?
I replay that moment in the train so many times and masturbate to your name.
Would you be flattered or disgusted if you knew that?
My heart canāt help drift back to feeling that desire for you from time to time. How can one lust for someone for so long, is it lust anymore after so many years?
I wish you felt the same. I know even if you did youād fear ruining our friendship and honestly I do too... I hate that I can never have you.
Is it an obsession? I canāt help how much I want to sleep with you...
They say it only happens in movies... but that moment in the train felt like a dream... a moment in the train... a memory I secretly hold on to...
How long ago has that happened? itās been so long I canāt even remember when.. 6? 7? Years ago? But my crush was continuous for... 12 years... Iām so pathetic.. lol... I went into this relationship hoping Iād move on from you, for good, and yet here I am... holding onto a memory that you probably couldnāt even remember if I brought it up. At night itās you my mind drifts too but when Iām awake and near my S.O youāre not on my mind... sometimes...
I think about that day where we (my longtime secret crush/friend and I) were on the train.
I forget where we were headed but I could never forget those few minutes we had in the train.
It was hot summer day and it may have been rush hour. We werenāt supposed to be in the train, with just us two. Our friends got separated into the near by cart and we were in another.
Initially when we went in, it wasnt as packed but as the stops kept passing by it kept getting more packed. It was all okay until people kept pushing you closer to me, to the point where we were only inches apart.
I glanced at your face for a second to ask or comment on the situation, maybe make a joke but the moment I turned my face towards yours I couldnāt speak and immediately turned away. You were so close, and the small distance between us made me so conscious of you. I felt your breath near my face and neck. Any more pushing and you would have been completely on me.
At that moment, i wanted you to touch me, kiss me. My heart was beating so fast and all I felt was desire for you. I wish that moment lasted a bit longer.
You were so quiet. We both didnāt speak. I wonder... if you noticed... I wonder if you wanted to touch me? I fantasize about that moment so many times... I wonder if you remember.
Is the āgrass greener on the other side.ā But if we never takes risk for something better, weāll never know if itās better.
I assume all relationships become stale after a while. So you have to bring back the spark..? However, new relationships usually start off with an spark. Are there relationships where it never loses the āspark?ā
Will I ever get to experience such a relationship?... what is the spark? What does it feel like? Is it the butterflies and jittery feeling? The anxiety and nervousness? The strong lust?
After time, doesnāt it all settle down? So youāre left with habit and comfort? Thereās nothing wrong with that but I guess itās really up to the person when they decide this is the time I want to settle down.
Am I just greedy? Sometimes I feel I am ready and other times I feel I have so much more left to experience...
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
Free to watch ā¢ No registration required ā¢ HD streaming
Iām imaging what sex would be like with different people. In different ways, and maybe with different amount of people. My sexual curiosity is my biggest secret but if this continues will I fall deeper and deeper into a dark pit that has no end?
Why is it that with women I can imagine a life long companion but itās not sexual. With men itās amazing sex but never companionship?...
As Iām writing all of this... I realized you are my first relationship that has lasted this long. I wonder if Iād had more experience being in relationships Iād know what to do with this frustration. I want us to work but I want something more, something I know you canāt give me... something that I donāt want from you... I donāt feel aroused when Iām with you... but I feel this strong platonic love for you... but I want sex.... sigh... whatās wrong with me...
I do love you... am I right for you? Iām sorry I am this way... donāt hate me...