Spend a Perfect Day Together

Please award the win to Bryan Vokey in his Roast Battle against Rena Hundert this past Tuesday as she used two of my jokes from previous battles. (at The World Famous Comedy Store)

#livestrong or whatever. (at Beijing Olympic Village)

Tuesday is #honesty (at Chateau Marmont)

Yesterday I had a guy lie to my face to try to get seven people to cut in front of one hundred and forty people. He said he knew someone famous. I wasn't mad, I was just swept away to a fantasyland where someday I too might be that famous. To be so well known that liars invoke my name like a magic spell to sneak into clubs and and get free t-shirts. To have my jokes stolen by duplicitous talent show entrants! Oh, to see the pained faces of douchebags who claimed they knew me to impress other douchebags as I completely don't recognize them because we have never met before. The disappointed and dejected looks of men in expensive shoes is all I have ever wanted in this life and those looks would shower upon me like the flow of the Euphrates into my burning and parched heart. Oh, what a wonderful world that would be! #fame (at Churros Calientes)

Quick question friends. Those dolls in the window staring at me, right? Currently hiding behind a tree across the street, would appreciate a fast response. (at Carroll Avenue)

... (at The Sunset Strip)

This one goes out to the loved ones we lost and the ones that loved them too much. #holiday #memories (at Hedonism Resorts)

No comment. #fashion (at Paris, France)

@tonybartolone has me on his show The Revolution on Sunday Night at the Comedy Store at 10:30. Also, I am at Godtti's tonight in Downey. Also, I have always secretly wished I could have dentures because my grandparents made it look so fun. #music #neighbors. Does anyone read these?

On an unrelated note, I am now 5-0 in the Roast Battle at the Comedy Store. My next matchup is against Terrence Newman on May 30 and I had my tarot cards read yesterday and they predict pain. #haiku #poetry #history (at The World Famous Comedy Store)

I will be in the Main Room of the Comedy Store tonight at 8pm sharp. If two hundred people like this or show up, I will read from this book onstage. #dare #philosophy The comics I tagged are hilarious and will be there, too. (at The World Famous Comedy Store)

It's always Millertime somewhere, but a lot of the times that place is the planet Mercury where said Millertime lasts for up to 176 hours and reaches a temperature of almost eight hundred degrees Fahrenheit. A twelve ounce beer is almost triple the size, though. Everyone shoulf go at least once. (at Teutoburger Wald)

Come to my show in the Belly Room. Sunday at 10:30. Message me for guest list. @puterbaughdani @jeremiahstandup @officialdarrencarter will be doing whatever they want onstage. Probably gonna find a reason to have a dance contest. #comedy #poem #handwriting #croissant #meteorology (at The World Famous Comedy Store)

No. Yes. No. Yes. No. No. No, Wait. Yes. Yes, yes yes! Wait. What?

If you want a vision of Las Vegas, imagine a stripper heel stamping on the face of humanity - forever. #1984 #vegasnightlife (at Room:101)

Las Vegas is what you would get if you took away all the Khmer Rouge's weapons and replaced them with t-shirt guns. #politics #vegas (at Cambodia)

For a hundred dollars I will open the case and show you all what's inside. For a thousand, I will walk away and never speak of this again. (at Tommy Bahama)