i got this, i'm truly fine

literally it’s not even your birthday or a holiday and they give you that thing you needed and were supposed to buy anyways

so here’s a list of some of the things they’ve bought for others or each other:

yuna: a cashmere scarf for the ski trip they were going on, a fancy personalized planner fit for her needs with her name in gold foil on the cover

david: a whole la z boy recliner for his newspaper reading, automatic card shuffler for him and yuna

hayden & jackie: a sweepstakes vacation they had won but didn’t align with their schedules, tickets to disney on ice, a talking wall fish (it was a pike…)

luca: a new sketchbook just as his old one was running out of space, cat bowls and toys they saw while shopping for anya, a coffee scented candle

bood: a whole new grill (???!!!) and tongs after ilya accidentally warped his last tongs, baby toys for milo, a “grill daddy” apron

holmberg, young, lapointe (living together): an air fryer, an iron and ironing board for their game day suits, a shoe rack (they got the shane and ilya housewarming special which was useful considering they really did forget to buy all that)

hayes: a limited edition signed copy of a comic (???!!) shane somehow got through networking,

troy & harris: matching knight castle themed bed for chiron (anya has the pink princess version), customized centaurs jersey for chiron, apple-themed kitchen set including salt & pepper shakers

scott & kip: world’s best grandpa mug, a photo of the skip kiss inside a new york themed snow globe

ilya: a formula 1 lego set that shane planted tickets to the montreal grand prix in, pre cens!shane always brought ilya montreal bagels, that ninja slushie and ice cream maker ilya had been yapping about, a “hollander family photo” in a custom frame

i’m doing my second re-listen of the long game and ilya and shane were talking about troy joining the team and they brought up how troy had called out dallas kent

and then shane is the first to be like “maybe he’s changed”

not because he's a baby a la classic man cold

but because he will AGGRESSIVELY try to pretend he is not sick

he is trying to gaslight others but ALSO himself

he has a gold medal immune system thank you he did NOT get taken down by ill pikeling spreading Elementary School Plague to him

not happening

as an itty bitty he lied so he wouldn't have to skip hockey, and that has NOT changed as an adult

his true toxic trait is that he WILL be typhoid mary in that locker room if it means he doesn't have to stay home and miss playing

like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."

and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"

being featured in a Drake mv post-Kendrick beef

only donating $20,000 to a fundraiser for a Montreal-based kids' cancer hospice — the fundraiser unfortunately coincided with the release of the cottage tour video

laughing at a Wimbledon ball boy for getting hit in the face by a ball (it was objectively funny but he broke his nose)

not using pride tape

the summer after he leaves the metros, responding to a very homophobic tweet with a picture of him flipping off the camera with three championships rings stacked on his middle finger

not shaking a player's hand after a 4-game sweep in the playoffs. he'd played embarrassingly poorly and Shane was worried it might be something contagious and fuck him up for the conference finals

not knowing who Harriet Tubman was

Shane ends up being the one to explain the Drake vs. Kendrick feud to Hayden (who came into it cold when Not Like Us got huge). JJ started explaining it to him but, honestly, he was doing a bad job at it and Shane has heard Ilya rant about this for months now, every time there was a new development, so he takes over and Hayden and JJ both just stare at him in blank shock.

The veterans on the Centaurs ask Shane to explain the Cardi B trial because Ilya got too worked up over it and started speaking Russian when they asked him.

They watched the entire four-part documentary on Diddy that 50 Cent produced and Shane now gleefully tells people that 50 did an in-depth interview on ABC, specifically because that's one of the few channels shown in prisons (yes, Ilya made him watch the interview and cackled beside him the entire time).

During them watching that series, Shane asked Ilya "who's that?" when Biggie Smalls came up on screen for the first time. Shocked and appalled, Ilya played Shane Biggie and Tupac's entire catalogues and showed him several video essays covering the East Coast–West Coast hip hop rivalry.