It is 10:50pm and we’re supposed to meet at 2:00am, after your shift. And so the waiting game begins.
I am not the type to be doing these things. Going to one’s workplace, fighting the urge to go home and sleep. I don’t really like to go out on weekends as well, unlike most interesting people, I’m more likely to stay at home, sleep or binge watch movies or series. Yes. I admit it. I am a boring person. I fall into the category where I tend to look forward to looking at my screen than going outside and actually living life.
A lot of things come to mind on why I am like this, but I don’t really like to blame people for my poor decisions. Right now I want to note how there’s a group of networkers in the coffee shop discussing the positive things their network has done to their lives. The convenience of having to depend on their ability to manipulate people with the way they talk. It is just so convincing – it reminds me of when I was talked into joining one. Terrible, terrible times. I don’t know what’s gone to my head to even want to go out with my friend’s older brother, beside the fact that we don’t know each other that well. Anyway, there’s this really loud person. I’m not even sure if he’s a she or she’s a he, but he seemed like the type to be very good at what he does. He/she talks about how easy it is for him to get travel tickets to international flights, and the like. It’s all so tempting, and sounds so easy, until you find yourself struggling to pay your debts after you realize how hard it really is to talk to people. Well, at least that’s my case.
I’m a bit surprised as to how many young adult are still up at this hour. Studying, hanging out, and getting over from a hangover as they had a good time from the bar nearby. I’m not really sure if it’s something to be envious about or something that I pity about them. The world is a very complicated thing. And I feel like I am just typing now whatever comes to my head. No clear train of thoughts at the moment, I wish I went to his workplace instead of this loud place. Well, everywhere is loud in this area. And people are expected to have a good time. This isn’t even a residential area, so you really can’t ask the staff here to quiet the customers down.
I love typing. I really do. I feel like it’s an extension of my mind. A mean to express my thoughts without having to speak nor grip on a piece of metal/wood. Ever since I learned to type from my second year in high school, it’s all I ever wanted to do. Maybe that’s why I was so excited with the idea of blogging. Of typing the things inside my head. That somehow if I get to write out my thoughts, I’d see how much sense I make, and not just inside my head.
11:46pm. 2 hours and 14 minutes left before I get to see him. I still have 2 hours to look into my screen and not mind the guy next to me has been trying to read what I’m typing. Or that the couple on my left has been talking about the layout of the café. Or that almost everyone who passes by my table looks at me in an odd way, perhaps figuring out why I’m alone. Maybe they came here altogether, and I am the only one they don’t know, possibly thinking of a way to get my attention and invite them to be a part of their network.
Right now, I’ve talked to few men from the dating app I downloaded last June 18, 2018. And in the short time I’ve been there, I realize how fascinating it is to know the thoughts, ideals, opinions of different men regarding anything/ everything I am insecure about. I have this certain kind of comfort knowing that not all men are the same. In general though, one can’t really classify a human being because there are plenty of things that were made of. Every guy I meet has their own story to tell. One guy wants to settle down but has the sex drive of a bunny – or whichever animal has that kind of sex drive. The other doesn’t seem to be too interested in being a relationship, and as he says, he’s still putting his shit back together. One guy is not fond of showing, if not all, his pictures but is very sweet and talkative. The other also wants to settle down, but still have tons of things to cross off his bucket list.
Sometimes, I catch myself worrying what will my ex-boyfriend think if he finds out I’m talking to men? Not that it all matters now, but I would really love to see him grow, to ponder upon the actions he’s done in our relationship. I wonder if I make him rethink the way he thinks about the stuff we don’t usually get along with. The way he thinks that I think too much or that I am way over in my head. Or at least I hope that he now has a plan for his future. And for that woman he’s seeing. I wish them both happiness. Maybe that’s why I broke up with him. I can’t be his happiness anymore. I can’t make him happy. And I remember that time I prayed hard for his happiness, even used my birthday wish for him. But I find it weird that I took advantage of it – our relationship – and expected him to understand that I am not always available for him. Wait, the guy in the pink shirt has been looking my way. Haha. Every time I would share anyone the reason why we broke up, the more I realize that maybe it really is my fault. That I’m enjoying my work too much that I forgot to take care of him the way I always do, the way I promised myself I would. This thought makes me want to throw up. I don’t know if it’s the caffeine, or the vibration from the base from the bar next door but my heart is beating way fast. I feel like I want to poop. And anxious. And fuck. I don’t like this feeling at all.
12:30am. An hour and a half left, and I’m almost disappointed that you’re not looking for me. I haven’t told you I’m already waiting at the coffee shop a block away from your work. It doesn’t really help with what I’m feeling right now. I’m a quarter cup of caffeine left in my drink and I am starting to feel alone. Like really alone, well not like the time I went to your work the first time and pretend that I am playing a deck of number cards that’s just like a normal playing cards, the only thing that’s missing are the queen, king and the jack. Red, you really are a fascinating person. I am interested to know what’s on your mind, how you treat people, how you view different people – maybe it’s because you remind me of him. The hostility makes me want you more. I just typed the latter sentence and I can’t get rid of the idea of how weird it looks. But yes, I do. Even if the uncertainty of our relationship is certain, I can’t believe myself that I like you enough to stay up late for you. Unlike what the other three guys I talk to, you’re someone I risked myself to have my heart be broken again. And that soon, yes.
12:40am. I am grasping the thought of how impatient I’m getting. I want to poop badly but I can’t because I don’t want to leave my laptop and my bag while I do my business in the water closet. I have decided to go to leave this coffee shop a quarter before two so that I may have my time to walk to your work. It is also apparent that you enjoy the attention you receive from the woman you mentioned earlier that’s been flirting with you. To tell you honestly, I don’t know how to react when you told me about it. I just think I don’t have enough confidence yet to claim that I am dating you. To be fair, we’ve only gone out once, and it wasn’t really a formal date as we stayed over your house that time. The most enjoyable part for me is when we played at your workplace. Because of you I am appreciating board games more. And I will always be thankful for that.
12:47am. I had a thought. That maybe it’s only fitting to create a list of things I want to accomplish before this year ends. Maybe I should start making one.
1) Pay my debts to my mother;
3) Have a permanent position at the company;
4) Do something I really, really like;
5) Stay single the rest of the year;
6) Focus on my MBA more (finish my MBA)
7) Figure out something about myself, maybe even learn to love myself
8) I AM FUCKING SLEEPY ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
9) Gahhhhhhhhd why did I agree to this?
10) I miss going out with people.
11) Wait this is exciting in a way. I get to explore on my own.
12) And see that people really love to go to places to meet. And that a coffee shop is nice business to put up.
13) Okay, now I’m just enjoying the bullets.
1:15am. I just received a text from you. That you miss me a lot. Actually, I don’t where this is going, or where I am going, with my life I mean. I am just enjoying the spontaneity of it all. And that the more I stay here longer, the more I see pretty women come up here, tired from all the partying, I guess. Although I can get used to this, hanging out at a coffee shop, observing people, typing it into my laptop while this woman on my right keeps on looking around, and well, me. So while the two men on my left keeps on taking selfies, and make me wonder why I haven’t taken any photo with you, I am now going to pack my stuff up and come to you. Although I guess I can leave at around 1:30am? When this woman on my right stops being a bitch and looking at everyone around like she’s some hot deal with her long skinny legs and big hoop earrings. Wait. So I am assuming that she’s a woman. But now that I’ve taken a longer glance at her, that may just not be the case. And I am deeply bothered. She’s a pretty She-Man.
Okay, progress. The two men on my left meets for the first time. And they’re figuring out how to pronounce each other’s names. I’m guessing the one wearing pants is the dominant one, the dude wearing shorts looks like he enjoys anal. HAHAHAHA. Fucker.
1:24am and I am anxious to see you. I am wondering if you’ve been talking to that girl who flirted with you earlier. Who can’t ignore you? You’re good-looking, charming, you express yourself well that sometimes you intimidate me. Damn. I just hope you like me too.
7:06am. What a night. Although I wish we were awake much longer, I understand that you were tired from your work and that we had to walk a block away to fetch a cab. I get to learn new things from you. Like how much you love pizza, and that you also have a collection of card games. I gave something to you that made you pass out in the middle of a movie we’re watching. I didn’t mind that, although now that I can’t go to sleep, I keep thinking on how it could have ended if I waited for the movie to end before I kissed you. And now I am wondering if you’ll notice the rest of the pizza vanishing if I eat them right now, because I’m really hungry.
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