Anonymous Mari

I always make these kinds of things where I don’t connect it to my real world persona. I usually delete them and they don’t last long, so I guess we shall see how long this lasts. I make them so I can express my feelings on things but half the time, even anonymously, I don’t seem to have the guts to do it. 

This will probably be no different.

I am not a writer, this isn’t to hone any artsy writing skills or to be creative and “hipstery”. I truly need an outlet to express my emotions. So here I am. 

The truth is I know myself. I know that I feel a certain way, and I really need to express those emotions, however I also know those emotions don’t last. I get over them so easily, and I’ll be crying about one thing for a whole day and two days later I don’t feel even remotely the same. This has been problematic for me with friendships. Most of my group of friends like to share details within the circle. Sometimes I get screenshots of conversation I never wanted to see. They make me mad, or make me react and then I think less of that person, or maybe I feel more pity and wish I could help but now I cant do anything or they would know that someone told me. The list could be long. I will not make it so. 

I’ve known for a long time that the chances of someone sharing something I’ve said has been high. It’s probably happened multiple times. I feel very guarded when I talk to my friends these days, because I don’t know what they’re going to share. So mostly I feel that I can’t open up. There are even things I know I’ve said about my personal life that I wish to high heaven never makes it out of that one conversation. I would be devastated. Now I  wonder time and time again who perhaps knows. 

I have recently though had this happen, and it has perhaps been the last straw for me. I shared an emotion I was feeling towards other people in the group. I know that I would get over this hurdle on my own, and all that needed to happen was for me to get over my feelings. One way I do this is by sharing my feelings. So I did, I shared them with a friend. I thought since the conversation was verbal and since my emotions were so raw and tender, that this person would respect me and not detail this out to anyone. I was wrong. They tried to justify that they were okay with what they did if it meant people that knew could respond kindly. However, now they knew. Now I couldn’t escape it. They would tell someone else, someone close to them, and now I am stuck with this title. I am angry, and hurt, and I need places to come to to express my frustrations. 

On top of this I feel that the ONE friend I have, I have been neglecting. Trying to make it work in a completely new group, with new friends. These new friends have proven to be, while nice and pleasant usually, to not quite be a right fit. I’ve put so much effort into them, that I feel my relationship with my kindred spirit has declined. I should call them.

I guess Im extremely tired of people. People who claim they do things “for your own good” despite not even pretending to care about your feelings on the matter. People who cant shut up about themselves. People who put others down 24/7 in the guise of “its just humor”. 

Sometimes things don’t need to be said, shared, or laughed at.