It's been a month since I posted the first Chapter of the Capturers.
I haven't shown myself to anyone, I stayed away from my Ao3 account, and I deleted my tiktok. I'm not active here either. All because of the guilt that I have not updated.
I already have the outlines prepared, and according to the three shorts after the first book, a lot of stories and characters will be involved, each of them with their own societal problems to drive their own personal and romantic stories. Because that's how these stories are supposed to be, and that is the kind of writer I am.
However, since the settings of the story is political, inevitably, the topics will be political. I was not afraid to do that before, but nowadays, I'm just deeply disturbed.
Filipinos, and maybe humanity as a whole, are becoming sinister. Our politics is being driven by the evilest people possible. I have read somewhere that some people support certain conservative politicians not because they are dumb, but because they want a leader that validates their darkness; their narcissism, manipulativeness, and psychopathy. They're not 8080, as people in the internet usually say. They are evil. They don't want a gentle leader who will sound correct while reprimanding them. They want an abrasive leader who will make them feel superior.
This is disturbing because there is something wrong with these dark behaviors being the norm, being the loudest, and being at the top. If you read the news and internet forums, I know you know what I'm talking about. They're so disturbing that I don't even want to give context.
And so I'm here, being devastated every time I see a news report that will happen in my story, afraid. Afraid that the topic is too sensitive to be in fanfiction, and afraid of the truth that reality is just as bad as a cynical author's imagination of a dystopia where the only solution is strategic extra judicial killing.
I also fight with myself many times in the process of writing. As much as I only want it to be fun, I am also aware that stories send a message, and I want to be careful of that message.
However, thank you for checking up on me and giving me encouraging comments. I am grateful for being a part of an appreciative fandom. I know most of you moved on to your different fandoms that are less a reflection of our reality, and with that, I completely understand. I'm giving myself a little break, but I will be back. I just don't know when. But I will be.