17th of December 2014, exactly 1 pm, when I got 1 message from a friend in FB. I don’t know him, perhaps only we know each other because of face book. He greeted me a happy birthday and even asked what’s my favorite color. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya tinanong yun. I feel somehow kilig, coz I was the kind of girl na sobrang tagal nang nag aantay ng Prince charming niya. (Yeah, obviously I was a fanatic, may it be seryes, hella drama and kilig romantic movies and syempre SG Fanatic, which was me) I always believe in Fairytales, I always pictured myself like in the rom com and fairytale movies na napapanuod ko. Believe me or not, I’m still doing it till this old age of mine. Haha. Seriously, I am a kind hearted women but at the same time matigas ang ulo. The 1st time I met him, it was my 25th birthday. I didn’t expect him to come over our Office and bring a bouquet of flower, 1 box of chocolates and some fudge brownies. That was all my faves! (extra kilig for me.) That was our 1st meeting and probably one of the kilig feels I have in my life.Dumaan ang mga araw and we kept on chatting and even calling each other. Hindi ko alam kung bakit niya ako napapayag manuod ng movie, ni hindi kame close at it was just like our 2nd meet up, but there is something with him, na I feel safe and comfortable. A lot of days have passed, patuloy kame naguusap, then till he met my cousins and friends. He even brought some chocolates for them all the way from the City to Barwa just to give it to them. (The kilig feels strikes again.)From that day on, he became friends with my family and especially to my cousin. Mas nagging close pa nga ata sila eh. They even got drunk that day, ride in his car, and even visited one of close friend in Al Saad. Sabi ko noon, why are you there? Sambit niya,’’ Pinsan mo kase, gusto Makita si Ineng.’’ (Let’s just give her alias). That time, I just nod while we are talking on phone. Ilang araw ang lumipas, tila biglang nawala siya. It was very rare na kung makatanggap ako ng messages and calls from him which I am used too kahit wala pang ligawang nagaganap. So I was asking myself, ’’Did I expect too much?’’ My feelings that time, eh sobrang lito. Andun yung tinatanong ko sarili ko na nag assume lang siguro ako. Or it’s just a fling. Para sa isang katulad ko na 1st timer, bago sa akin ang lahat. As this age of mine, everything is a first time. More days have passed, andun na yung everyday sila magkasama ng pinsan ko at kung saan saan nagpupunta. Then ayun na nga, accidentally read the chat conversation between him and my cousin. Very shocking, pero for a kind hearted women like me, hirap man I accept; I need to face the fact na iba ang gusto niya.Dumaan ang araw and somehow I accepted the fact na umasa lang ako. We’ve been busy with different things in life. We’ve been casual to each other, Then comes a time na vacation na, and It was early March 2015, when I and my family went for a month long vacation at France. Hinatid niya kame sa airport and that feeling is somehow happy. No ‘’Asa,’’ feelings, just happiness and pure friendship.While I was on vacation, we kept on talking with each other. Ayun na yung araw araw kame magkausap and we even use video calling to update each other. He keeps on sending me voice notes while he’s singing. Greeting me a very happy morning and sweet good nights. That was mostly every day. And I even locked up our names and put it in the famous bridge in Paris. I kept on praying na sana, by locking our names there, it will give us good luck to start something fresh and by this time it will be better.A month after, we came back to Doha. While I was at the airport, I was praying na, whoever I see and meet at the airport whose wearing a red shirt eh siya na yun. Ayun na si Mr. Right (haha! JUST A FRUSTRATED lady wishing for a good man to love her.) Ayun na nga, the moment I saw him, everything was just stars around the corner. I saw him wearing red (except that it’s his favorite color) eh kakagulat lang. That time, was just simply amazing. Days have passed; we’ve been seriously talking and seeing each other. And he even handed me a special gift which was my wished long time. I was really surprised, feeling ko, I am the most beautiful girl in town. (Like what all girls feel when they got kilig.)I love how we started as a friends, we became close again, no expectations by this time. We tried doing some things, hanging out with my family, watching movies and eating outside. The only problem to me is, I’m not trying to join him when he’s with his friends. I still feel shy and do not want to face them, which was his 1 issue to me. I tried, but can’t help but feel awkward when I see his barkada. There was one time na pinilit niya akong sumama,even my cousin was forcing me to come, pero I don’t know, di ko talaga mapilit sarili ko na sumama.Dumaan ulit ang mga araw, were still enjoying each other’s Company. Hinahatid at sinusundo niya pa rin ako from Home to work which is I really admired him of. Kahit na pagod sa work, and most of his work is driving around the Traffic and sunny side up Doha, ayun pa rin siya, effort diba?Then comes the time, we watched 1 movie with my niece. We enjoyed watching it, and we even have kilig moments together. Napakalamig sa sinehan, but when he start holding my hands very tight, I feel warmth. Just another sweet gesture.We came home, I cooked his favorite corned beef, plus the Jollibee chicken joy he requested. Then he left after dinner time. Sinabi niya sakin, na may pupuntahan lang siya, he was even smiling at me and waved his hands goodbye. He’s rushing going to the elevator, which is normal pag malalate ka na sa lakad mo. During that night, I waited for his messages and calls. Tiktok, tiktok, small hands is reaching the midnight hour. No messages, no calls. I tried reaching him, but no answer. That night was just simply horrifying for me till the 3rd day. I got a message from him, saying sorry and thank you. Nothing else.Tinanong ko siya anung problema, He just replied to me, ’’Nothing. It’s just that you can’t adjust to my environment.’’ Ayaw mo sa friends ko, nde kita mapipilit.’’ That’s it. One day, 1 of my friend sent me a photo of a guy and a girl. They are both seated with jacket hang on their chairs and facing a good view. The caption says it all. I have no idea what was that till when my friend asked me. ‘’Hindi ba ikaw yan?’’ (SURPRISINGLY asking me.)I was wondering who was that, till I read the name of the person who posted it. ACCEPTANCE. Again it’s very hard thing to do. Lalo na kapag may feeling ka na sa isang tao. Yes, I was hurt, wala pang formality na nagliligawan kame, pero the feelings I have for him since day 1, grows fonder. Dami nagtanong, daming alaala, ang sakit, ang sakit pala. I tried accepting things day by day, pero hindi ko ata magawa. Every weekends, anjan sila sa bahay, nakikita ko siya. Hindi ko na alam pano ko siya kakalimutan.Then comes the time, I got busy of prods and events. Straight from work, lagare till night then going home the next day. I tried getting myself busy, nakakapagod pero masaya. I got new friends and found new best friends and kapatids in life. Learned and explored things in life so well. I even learned drinking and partying occasionally. Masaya, sobrang saya lang ang nararamdaman ko nung mga panahon na un. I tried forgetting him from every inch of memories.Few months later, while making myself busy, there was one time, na realized ko, why am I doing this to myself? Trying to keep all the memories and hurts, pinipilit ko sarili ko na kalimutan siya pero andun pa rin talaga. My friends told me, he’s not worth it. Pero I still feel something special about him.One time, there was an occasion; it was my niece’s birthday. I think, God gave that chance for me to face him. Yung hindi ako nagtatago sa isang kwartong madilim, yung kaya kong harapin lahat ng tao whoever it is. Everybody was teasing us, (tried not to be affected, hiding my kilig then.) We both participated in the game, and we even kissed each other accidentally. I was so shy then, I wanted to hide my kilig and show them the mataray side of me.) After party, we all went back home. Everybody was happy and enjoying that night. We all watched the photos and videos from the party. Everyone at home got drunk, andun na yung nag eenjoy lahat sa pangangasar samin, then even my best friend got angry to his friend for forcing him to sit beside me. Ayun wala naman sila nagawa, yes we seated next to each other. At first, I was so nervous, hindi ko alam anung sasabihin ko sa kanya. It was tears and anger. While I was crying in pain, nasabe ko lahat sa kanya. All the hurts and pain, lahat ng bagay na naramdam ko towards him, lahat ng galit ko, I even slapped him. (lakas maka movie diba?) Pero seriously, after that night, felt relived. Sa lahat ng pinaramdam niya sakin, I can say na okay na ako. Nailabas ko na lahat ng sakit eh while he asked my forgiveness and pagsisi din naman from me.From day to day, naging casual kami. I can face him without anger. I can seat on our living room knowing na andun siya. I never got ilang after that.Then comes another party in our family. We got to celebrate it all together again with some friends and family. Lahat nag enjoy that day.Dumaan na naman ang Days, weeks and month. My niece’s granny visited us again for the holidays. December will always be special for me. Aside from my birth month, it’s also Ate’s birth month (were almost born on the same day. 1 day apart.) Plus the National day here in Qatar and of course, Christmas and New Year that I can spend in Manila. December was all so good to me. We’ve been good friends, and starting to be close again. Nag start ang simbang gabi, we both went to Church and attended the 1st night along with some friends. Then it was followed the next night again, which was the eve of my birthday. I love celebrations and surprises, but I didn’t expect that night na I will have one. Finally, I got to experience surprises. Sarap sa feeling, and it was just cloud nine feels. Too much surprises and love that night. He was with me the whole surprise thing. Before going home, I can feel na meron ng surprise coz he’s insisting me to drink Coffee outside (which is my favorite thing to do.) Yes, of course pumayag ako, we drink coffee outside. Then we went back home na. Mommy and one friend went down the car first. Then he asked me just to wait for him. Ayun, he parked the car and handed me his gift. Di ko inexpect na bibigyan niya ko ng gift, (yes I know na he’s thoughtful when it comes to gift. but really, I am not expecting anything talaga.) We went up home, and then when I opened the door, everyone is there. Napakaingay, lahat nagsisigawan. Party Poppers, Balloons and Lighted cake with a birthday song. Yun ang sumalubong sakin. All the things I love was there, Pink and Purple balloons, hopia, coffee, red velvet cake, pizza and fatayers (arab bread).Everything was just so amazing. Yes, simple lang po ako when it comes to gift. Happy na ko sa simpleng bagay basta naalala ako. Thank you friends and family! I really do appreciate it. Di pa tapos ang araw ng birthday ko. I received too much birthday greetings, and I feel so loved.I have prepared small dinner for my friends who’s been with me the whole time, and at the same time, salubong birthday for my ate.The day after, is our flight time na. I’m ready to go back and be with my family. I travelled with my niece that time. He promised me that he will bring me to the airport. Pero because he got drunk, hindi ko na pinilit pa. I was in vacation for almost 20 days, naging busy ako in meeting all my friends and family. We are trying to talk to each other from time to time. Kinakamusta niya ako and he’s also making kwentos to me.The day I came back, I know that he will be the one to fetch us up at the airport. That simple gesture really means to me. Napakaagang arrival time, sobrang traffic and he even came straight from work.We’re both happy, really happy then. Habang tumatagal lumalalim ang care and mutual understanding namin for each other. Naging madalas ang pag visit niya sa bahay, madalas kameng lumalabas at magkasama. Madalas niya akong sinusundo at hinahatid from work to home. And I thank him for giving me all his time and effort. We both know we have the mutual understanding na. I have that feeling na minsan ako na lang kaya magtanong, manligaw? (But no,no.no) Instead, Tinanong ko siya kung anung meron kame. Because we’re starting doing all things na like what’s in a relationship doing pero syempre with limitations pa rin. He told me, he wants me to know him more better pa daw. Like all the imperfections and attitudes he has. Naintidihan ko yun, and I know it will be better for us to know each other well pa. Though we know each other for a year, iba pa rin ung kilalanin ung isat isa at the side of love. Then comes the time, it was a normal day except that it was the birthday of my cousin. We have prepared something for her. Everybody was so busy, lalo na ako dahil I planned for everything. Lunch time noon, and I was busy working at the Office. The normal thing were doing everyday eh yung kamustahin isat isa, we always remind each other to eat your lunch na, wag kalimutan magpahinga. Then, when he reminded me to eat my lunch on time with his I love you, I didn’t know pero I replied right away with,’’I LOVE YOU TOO.’’ Omg! Ayun na. That was our day when it got official. I was probably on my craziest and happiest day of my life. ‘’Single life no more. ‘’‘’I loved him with all my heart. I may be new to Love and relationship, but I don’t have anything but love for him. I am the happiest when I’m with him.’’ I am not afraid to lose everything except for him. Napakasaya, sobrang saya whenever were together. Cheers to the life of happiness! First of everything, first kiss, first hug and first serious love. I felt so teeny bopper like what I used to watch during my teenage years. We may just new in the relationship but, the love between us has progressed for a long time. Kaya ibang feeling yung amin. I used to experience all the 1st in life. We dated each other, were always together, asking each other’s approval before anything. Making kwentos on our everyday life. We even slept together ( syempre still with limitations.) hehe. We used to watch movies together and making asikaso him all the time. Washing his clothes, preparing his morning coffee and instant breakfast if I have the chance.Whenever we sleep together, I just keep staring at him. I kept on hugging him so tight; na para bang ayoko siya I let go. There was a time na he needed to wake up so early, but I didn’t woke him up. Instead just hug him all day long. I love him just loved him.Many people say na di kami magtatagal. Our relationship will end soon, some people giving a bet of 3-6 months. Umasa ako, praying that our relationship will grow and sweeter every day.We might not be perfect, yes. Madaming di pagkakaintindihan, asaran, inisan at tampuhan. But at the end of the day, we still have each other.We got to celebrate Valentine’s Day, birthdays and 1st monthsarry together. I even joined him for some meetings with his friends, shopping his things and even do the groceries together. Akala ko noon, okay na. We celebrate life every day.I never asked him and questioned him, Kung bakit I never met his family. Kasi I’m happy naman whenever were together. So no questions at all. I was just afraid and selfish when it comes to his attention kung minsan. Maaring he’s always with me, pero sometimes I feel that he’s mind is not at all with me. I have no issues at all sa paglalaro niya ng Dota, nakakaselos kung minsan pero at least, he’s at our home playing. We had some tampuhan and inisan, he surprised me during our Monthsary. And I was the happiest with his gesture. He even brought my friends and asked them to wear same color of shirts. Thank you, thank you po. I feel so loved.I went to Dubai for a short trip with my bestfriend. He doesn’t want me to go, kase gastos na naman. But I promised him na that will be the last trip and will start saving na. We even got a little tampuhan while on the way to the airport. I just make him lambing and started holding his hands. Aun,nag work naman. He smiled at me and he became okay.It was probably the most hard part of our life, kase there’s no day na di kami nagkikita in person except when he is really so busy. Ang hirap to say goodbye, kahit na just for a few days.We are calling each other every day. I’m always making it sure na nakakain na siya kahit malayo kami sa isat isa. I used to update him wherever we go. I enjoyed the trip, we enjoyed it that much. Pero there is something kulang which is him. And I really do miss him. When he picked us up at the airport, and that moment I saw him. Everything was just simply amazing. As much as I want to hug and kissed him, kaso nde ko magawa public area kase which is a big no no specially here in Qatar. I only hugged him so tight, hold his hands and just stare at him. We really do miss each other.Dumaan ang araw, we enjoyed each day of being together. May tampuhan yes, but still we still do something para maging okay. I thought everything was right. He keeps on reminding me for small things. I tried changing and do it better. I did everything what I think is right. Inasikaso ko siya sa abot ng makakaya ko, hindi ko man siya malutuan, I tried everything just to make him happy and feel my love.One time, I was making him lambing while he was fast asleep. I was just staring at him while lying on his side. Nakita kong nag riring ang phone niya, then it was a girl’s name. I supposed to answer it kaso inisip ko mali yun, I’m giving his privacy to him. Kaso hindi eh. Just like other people, I’m his girlfriend and karapatan kong magselos kahit hindi ko pa alam kung sino yun.I went outside that night, he tried calling me but I didn’t answer him. The day after, is still the same. No messages and calls.Same day, he sent me message. Trying to ask Kung bakit hindi ko siya pinapansin. Then the natural mataray me comes out. Nagalit ako agad without asking what is the truth behind that. Nauna ang selos ko instead na kausapin ko siya, nde ko siya pinansin. This is really my fault. We have talked. Medyo nagiging okay kame dun. But there is really some things na kapag mejo serious issue, nakakailang pa rin.A day after that was happen, we even went out and bond with his friends. Were both happy though I’m not feeling well that time, I did my best to support him. We sleep and did some kwentos till we fall asleep. I was just calm and looking at him. He kissed me before he left for work. That was the last sleep together. That was the longest time we’ve been together. Things were all okay between us, were still messaging and calling each other, but didn’t see him that much. The night before our monthsary, I went outside to meet my friends and help me find a gift for him.Hirap pala, and I never expected na I will experience this thing. Yung bibili ako ng gift for a guy, not for a friend,for my dad, not even for an exchange gift but for my love.I got his gift and he even requested me to buy food for him. I bought it, kahit na malayo sa pinanggalingan ko, i went there just to buy what he wanted.I went home excitedly. Expecting na andun siya which he told me. I was expecting na andun siya nag aantay for me and my pasalubong. But he’s not there.I tried waiting for him till midnight. Kaso I was so tired, kaya I fell asleep. He came back to house, he kissed me and say goodnight. They even got some drinks with his friend at our home. I slept well that night. First morning, it was the 4th of the month. I’m expecting that he will greet me. Kaso wala. I though he forgot it na. That was the only word na inaantay ko. Just for him to greet me and that’s enough. Kasi I ‘m thinking of surprising him naman. I got my gifts for him, just waiting for his greeting kaso wala pa rin. My friends have invited me to watch movies with them. Ang sabi ko ,’’ ay hindi ko sure kase it our monthsarry.’’ I already told them what that day was. That day is very important for me. I never wanted to watch that movie without him, kase ang alam ko he likes movies. Ang alam ko we will watch it together. I have seen some posts of him from face book. I even asked him what that was. Siguro nga I expected a lot on that day from him. Pero ang gusto ko lang naman eh yung maalala niya yung special day naming. Thinking na he forgotten me, last minute I called my friends na I will join them na. It was almost night time. I’m still waiting for him to greet me or just call me, pero wala pa rin. Were still talking and even telling him na I will go out with my friends. Aba ang tindi ko talaga, I am not aware that he was waiting for me for a surprise from me. Siguro nga I was so tanga, instead of being with him, and surprise him, I went out with my friends. Inuna ko kase tampo ko eh, dapat hindi pala. Dapat pala inuna ko siya. Give and take, siguro nga wala ko nun. Masyado kase akong sensitive when it comes to him. Kaya pag nagtampo ako, wala na. Lumipas ang araw na un, it’s like nothing. I don’t know what to say, nag expect kase ako. Or shall I say we expect something from each other, na eventually mali yung nagging outcome...Lalong lumala kase I was feeling so empty and hurt. I went out with my best friend and cousin. Thinking na mawawala ung tampo ko, but no, nde pala.The day after, it was their event. A week ago, we have decided na sasama ko, I will support him,them. Kaso because I was feeling down and blue, ayun last minute I cancelled it.My chest is in deeply troubled. Literal na hirap akong huminga, naninikip dibdib ko sa sobrang sakit at un answered questions in my mind. I told him I was not feeling well, He asked me na to stay at home na lang. Pero wala eh, matigas talaga ulo ko. Thinking na magiging okay ako, I went with outside pa rin. Yes, again it’s my fault. Nakakasama ng loob, at iniwan ko siya last minute. Instead na suportahan ko siya, i was not there to be with him. Laki ng pagkukulang ko sa kanya. It’s my fault, and I’m sorry for that.Lalo sigurong nawala yung chance na maayos pa namin, nawala lahat ng yun because me I guess.I asked for his forgiveness and second chance to patch things up. Kaso it seems na ayaw niya na. I even tried messaging him for how many times now, kaso wala eh. It was all happened na. Dumating din yung time na he asked me to return the ring he had given me.Can’t help myself but to cry. Andun lahat ng pagsisi ko. I have all the why’s in the World. I tried asking for a second chance, but still he’s declining it. Mahirap daw ang sitwasyon, baka daw lalo kaming mag away pag pinagpatuloy naming tong relasyon na to. He even told me na, “Love is like exam, you will not passed if you are not going to make some research and studies.”Sabi ko naman,’’ yes its true. Pero it will only work with a help of a good teacher.’’ Relationship will only work with understanding and care for each other. Give and take nga, maaring kulang ako doon, maaring bago sa akin ang lahat, but I’m trying to do what’s best for us. Ilang araw din ako nagdasal at nag isip, trying to convince myself na maayos pa. It’s really hard to let go of someone we love. Nag uumpisa pa lang kame, puro misunderstandings na. We tried everything as for this is already our second chance. Pero hindi pala, he thought he will do the good role.Love is without Pride, sabi nga ng best friend ko. If you love someone, dapat walang pride. Akala ko I can make him happy, hindi pala. I thought we are on the right track na pero wrong way pa pala. It was one year of developing this love. Pero may kulang pa pala. Love hurts, but when you love someone, we should be ready to be hurt. Love should be between the two persons. It will only work out if both of you are working on it. Love should be understanding and trustworthy. Love should be brave.I think of you, I miss you and I need you. Sometimes we have to choose between trying one more time and starting all over again. I had a lot of reasons to give up on you, but you still choose to stay. You had a lot of reasons to stay and patched things up, but you give up. It’s hard to tell my mind to stop thinking of you, coz my heart still beats for you.Maybe this is the end for us. Maybe it’s better for me to be alone, so nobody can hurt me. I apologize for all the hurts and pagkukulang I did for you. Thank you for the wonderful memories we had together. Thank you for trying to understand me even if its hurts you na. Here I am, slowly drifting away from everything I once claimed to love. Pano nga ba magmahal? Palagi na lang bang nasasaktan? I wished you good health and good life. I will give you all time you need in the World. Kung ayaw mo na, wala na kong magagawa pa.But I will always be here. Mahirap tanggapin, but I should accept it. I know that God still draws the future for us. Hindi man tayo para sa isat isa, siguro nga he has someone for us. Baka nga hindi pa ako ready, same as you.I just prayed na unti unting mawala yung pain. Kase it’s really hard. I miss us and I still loved you...I will find myself way out of it. I will try to be a better person, sana in my next relationship, that will be the last.Salamat sa isang taon at 6 na buwan na kasiyahang binigay mo sa akin. Thank you for breaking my heart once again. Sorry for breaking yours as well.Till next time of love and wanders.Babe is now signing off.
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