osaka lessons ; big family trip. (2025)
Yufui Inn, Fukuoka. Would go back.
So our big family went to Fukuoka and Osaka together on the occasion where our Uncle has finished his government term and is retiring!
We did a full on 3 days tour in Fukuoka, changing hotels every night (I know, i'm too old for this shit). Honestly my favourite city was Beppu.
Out of all of this trip, the external things were very beautiful. It was a nice time with my family, and O went too.
Not soon though, my lesson with Chris revealed itself.
So my aunt asked me if Chris is living in Samui with a girl, and I said yes he has a fuckbuddy. In my honest intention I really didn't care if it was a fuckbuddy, soon to be girlfriend or girlfriend. I think they can change to one-> another with time, reflection and alignment. So i just blurt that shit out to her. Chris got extremely pissed (his right). And I was also pissed because I was like, dude, I'm just being myself. Why are you fucking erupting to me being myself. It's annoying AF.
But also I think i have beef with him that he's never really happy with what I say since forever. He wants my validation (me saying the right things to him). Putting me in a pedestal position where I can fall anytime. It's very fucking uncomfortable. I feel like people do this alot with me, or maybe they don't. I'm just sensitive to their insecurities and I take it as my own (???). ANNnnyywayss, so he got upset and told me and I'm just like bitch u just want my validation so you got upset. It is true, but obviously it wasn't the right thing to say to your younger brother who does need validation. I literally remember saying the same thing to my ex manager who is chris's ex-girlfriend (except she's 2 years older than him). to "Stop asking for my validation."
Chris was still mad for few days and then he didn't talk to me about it, until I asked him to do my wedding playlist. He sent me a long text to why he's still upset. Simply because I rejected and dismissed his feelings and then he started explaining himself how he never disrespected me dating my fiance etc etc. and I'm like... dude this is too much. So i replied "WHY R U PROJECTING ON ME!" Basically, shifting the blame to him like. If you have a problem with me, you have a problem with yourself. Which is really what I thought since I said about the fuckbuddy thing. Then he kinda like got even more fucking mad now. So i set a boundary with him.
I think this came from ME feeling SCARED that I have to overtake care his feelings , be responsible for how he feels. Going back in this role of like, i have to put your feelings before mine again because you can't be responsible for how you feel. So i outright rejected him. Which is like, sure, I think i do this with many of my friends who i started to feel like I'm their therapist / nanny. Like Ryu (also Chris's age, and Aries Moon -- self centered).
me & chris at Fukuoka city Christmas Market, where they'd only sell hot chocolate and beer if we take the mug home too.
Dude, but my wound was real. The fear of being put in a overly responsible position. being taken advantage and granted. Being overlooked... etc, overgiving till i hurt myself. It's so real. This fight bothered me alot. I called my mom who is with my aunt and they tried to give me good advice but I didn't listen.
Me: So i set a boundary with him that I'm not his caretaker!
Mom: You don't have to say EVERYTHING!!! Somethings are better left unsaid.
Auntie: Think about this as your client. If you a coach, what you gonna do!
Me: He's NOT my client! He's my fucking brother! Why do I have to strategize how I'm gonna talk to him!!
I hung up feeling even more misunderstood and unseen by the two women. Then I called my spiritual mentor, this got interesting.
Rahel: You're not suppose to say the fuckbuddy part.
Me: I wasn't serious. Why can't i just be myself?
Rahel: You say things based on people's maturity. Not everyone can comprehend what you understand. If they can't, it's your fault.
Me: I think I'm mad cause he wants my validation. It's not just Chris, like everyone keeps popping UP and WANT my validation this week. It's annoying, why does it keep happening? I can't take it anymore. I hate being in this position. When they want my validation, they don't see me as ANNIE. They see me as THE ANNIE. It's a distortion.
Rahel: You haven't learn how to give healthy validation. You can give validation. You are in a position to do it.
Me: ....
Rahel: What you say matter, and you have to realize that. That's why this lesson keeps coming back. You also haven't learned to not give an opinion. To be nobody. nothing, you don't have to be anyone when they talk to you. you're just a mirror.
That's when i clicked. The ego in me : wanted to be nobody. But because I wanted to be nobody, not important so badly, my ego got inflated. It's not that it wants to just be nobody, but it doesn't see the importance of my own words. This realization hit even harder when I confronted Chris and cried my nigga ass off on what bad sister I was in the past and also when I said those things about him, I was being inconsiderate because I didn't consider myself as important AT ALL!
I wouldn't take myself seriously! And i got annoyed when people do, by asking for my validation! I feel like i'm "unseen" when they want my validation when what actually happens is they are laser see-ing me. I treat people who laser-seeing me as threats. Because I'm scared i'm gonna do something wrong in their eyes. Which, I ended up doing everything wrong. I hurt all of them. Everyone who was laser-seeing me got fucking heart broken and rejected.
i am hugging a tree at a shrine in fukuoka.
Another lesson I learned was that I'm super bad at exiting people's lives.
LIke. I would just fucking leave if I change. No slow exits. No goodbyes. Just drop yo ass "I'm not available". I realized I did this with my old friends who I outgrew, and I did it with Chris too. It's nothing special. Just shift of boundaries. I no longer want to caretake his emotions, become his therapist (or my friends). Chris is like the person I do all my emotional analysis and processing for. When he came to me with a heart problem, I simply said go see a therapist. He thought I rejected him, but I really didn't know how to help him mannnn. Nigga. Anyways, I realized he needed a better explanation than "Go see a therapist". For someone who is hanging hope on you, it does sound like a rejection.
Maturity / Relationship level check again.
I outright rejected Mike to be his therapist and he didn't feel rejected. Cause relationship. He didn't grow up as my younger brother who needed my validation on life. I made this point with Mike, who also had the same problem with his younger brother.
Younger siblings, especially close ones practically grew up with codependency on us. They think we are their 3rd parent. It's not a surprise why they are so hurt by our inconsiderate actions. To them, we are just another emotionally unavailable parent.
Yah, sums up my Osaka trip.
My words are important. Be conscious with every word that leaves your mouth.
Giving / withdrawing validation is not bad, it's bad if you give or withdraw it for the ego.
What you say depends on the person in front of you. Maturity and Relationship level check.
There are graceful ways to shift the boundaries. All can be done when you are not in "fear".
I was scared of my friends judging me when I left. So i never said a proper goodbye. I was scared that my brother won't understand and keep me in the role i don't want, so I poker face him. Alot of things could be dealt with better if we could do it with consciousness and not fear. My lesson of hurting people with my words keeps coming up and up. Of not being considerate. Of being in power, and powerful.
This time i really learn it. I BETEER FUCKING LEARN IT.
I learn that by respecting and considering myself and what I say more, reflects towards my subconscious of others. And sure, I can be myself with everyone. I just need to know their maturity / relationship with me and ADJUST. In the end, those who adapt evolve.
End of Japan trip..... sayonara bitches!
healing vibrations of water in fukuoka, big waterfall.
