Cat Detective's Complete History of Time

I’m finished with P.G. Wodehouse and I’m ready for R Rated Wodehouse now

hey. dont cry. 566 california condors, okay? 369 free flying.[1] it's gonna be okay.

for the record, in 1987 there were 27. [2] things can get better.

HEY. DONT CRY. 607 CALIFORNIA CONDORS, OKAY? 392 FREE FLYING. [3]

Friends, romans, people who are nonbinary except at work, lend me your ears,

am always obsessed when someone says to a character “call off your dog” about another character.

my ability to be both a sweetie pie and a sick pervert will lead me to great things

official dnd post

genuinely i don’t think it’s possible to easily explain the explicit part of online friendships to people who don’t Understand. i don’t mean like, explicit in the sense of “oh you’re sexting” or whatever. no. i mean when you and your friend start gleefully making up explicit sexual scenarios for your shared blorbos and you get giddier and giddier as you add more detail and you’ll be grinning at your screen as you type away at mach speeds. and it’s entirely nonsexual in an interpersonal sense, you’re not really getting Into it, but ohhhhh it’s soooooo fun and satisfying. and you can NEVER tell someone who doesn’t also do this that your mood is actively improved like fivefold because you and your friend played Sexual Tuoys together because they’ll go “what the FUCK.”

there are only two genders btw. people who are alive and people who are fucking dead

trying to explain why i like horror to people who don’t: ok so you know how it’s fun to be deeply disturbed and unsettled

can you even imagine how fucking furious you would be if your uncle who married your mother a month after your father’s death proceeded not only to wrestle the throne from your grasp but publicly humiliate you in front of the court that is supposed to be yours about how you’re grieving your father? that it’s unmanly and pathetic to still mourn him after a month? and then tells you he’s only saying this because he loves you? and he thinks you shouldn’t go back to school, just stay here, where you can be together with your family and always be surveilled? the elsinore court really is a prison hamlet is so right

hamlet standing there tasting blood in his mouth while everyone around him admires how kind and benevolent claudius is toward his ungrateful nephew. i would not typically ascribe the virtue of self control to hamlet but it’s kind of incredible it took him 5 acts to kill him

kitten fever is worse than baby fever because a kitten is way easier to obtain than a baby so it's more dangerous

I'm trying to take the high road but I'm like, dragging myself bleeding and sobbing along the high road while looking so so longingly at the low road

#AND that fucker taking the low road is going to get to Scotland afore me. very annoying.

[oblivious to sexual dynamics] ohhh are you guys playing knights and princesses? can i be like a grizzled mercenary captain? i could teach the soldiers in matters of arms and project a gruff and unyielding yet ultimately kind and fatherly demeanour. if you guys are looking for a third. player