Whatever happens, happens.

My mom just blurted out something that I am so scared to hear. Graduation. She suddenly said, “I’m excited for your graduation on January next year. I can’t wait to have an ENGINEER daughter.” I can see the hope that lit her face up. I can see the wishful smile that is so contagious that I’m convinced that I will be graduating on January next year. So much hope for me and I can never disappoint her. It will break my heart if I ever see her sad and angry. But then again, I immediately said, “No I’m not graduating on January but I will be graduating next year 2017 around November.” “Please don’t get your hopes up but I will surely be graduating next year. I already plotted the subjects I will be taking.”

Those were the comforting words I said to my mom. I can feel she very hopeful. And then I felt pressured, especially that some of my batchmates are graduating this year.. I already feel bad about myself but I gotta remember the goal. To my mom and dad, if ever you will encounter this post, I’m sorry if I’m delayed for how many terms.. please understand that engineering is not easy, I have SEVERAL regrets in me why I ever took up this program but what can I do now? Will it change the past? Definitely no. I’m already in the point of no return so I just have to go through a lot and ask God for strength to finish what I have started.

Recently, I took one big risk that will probably haunt me forever. For the first time in my life, I admitted what I truly feel for this guy who turned out to be just a friend. You see, I’ve been crushing really hard on this guy for 2 years already. He got the looks, personality, and brains. He graduated the same year he took the board exam, he could’ve been one of the topnotchers but I think it lacked 0.5%. Anyway, so I admitted and he took it as a joke? Since I somewhat copied what the viral “Kath-Vince” conversations which is like “Hi *name* blablabla crush nga pala kita.” and he replied “Hi *name* wag po ako hindi ako karapat dapat. Hahaha”

And I’m like WHAT?! He is thinking he’s not crush-worthy!? And could you please not take it as a joke? It’s not like I’m expecting he would reciprocate my feelings, I’m pretty sure he will reject me and put me in the friend zone but I would just like to inform you that you are crush-worthy and I will forever admire you. You have the prettiest eyes and the most infectious smile. You are kind-hearted and full of dreams and goals. You are family-oriented. You are Christ-centered. You are one of a kind. You have a good soul.  Please don’t think that you are not worthy because you are. Your future girlfriend will be the LUCKIEST girl in the universe because she has you. If only that girl would be me, I wouldn’t trade you for anything. I will love you. I will take care of you. I will make sure you are appreciated. I will be your bestfriend. I will be with you through thick and thin. I will never give up on you because you’re the one I always wanted despite of your imperfections.

I have no regrets. TRULY. And I’m not angry or bitter. It’s just that I hope in the future somebody will consider the effort I exerted just to say hey you know what I got a crush on you. I still consider this as a win-win situation because I saved myself from wasting my precious time thinking do I have a chance on you? I saved myself from the times you occupied my mind. I saved myself from the WHAT IFS. Now I only know, WHAT IS.

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Rejection is sad but saying what you really want to say will free you. So a piece of unsolicited advice, don’t ever be afraid of saying what you feel because it will free you even if you’re a girl. You know, just say it. It’s all part of growing up because life is full of risks, why not take it anyway? The feeling of rejection will pass, life will go on, and you will come out stronger.

As for you (the guy I HAD a crush on), like I said, I will forever admire you and even love you for who you are, all your flaws. I will forever be your number 1 fan who supports you and prays for you. You know even if you have a girlfriend in the future, I would not be mad or envious because I believe that if you really love someone, you would set him free, you will let him be happy... even if it’s not with you. So, as I close the chapter of my life that includes you, I’d like to say that you are the risk I’m always willing to take but from now on, my eyes won’t search for you anymore in a crowded room full of people.

See you again. :)

P.S.