impossible girl

I don’t have favorite children, and if I did, it would be the ones who can keep a secret. Oh no, definitely not. We are done with having our own kids. My plan is to sit back and be the cool grandpa. Ha ha, hilarious. I’ve never heard that one before. Although, did you know I used my Hades powers to help Shakespeare write Julius Cesar? 

I can keep secrets! I have heard things from every kid that you don’t even dream about, that’s why my hair is so big... It’s full of secrets. And because I don’t have time to get a haircut but that’s beside the point. Wait, but to be a cool grandpa you would have to be cool. You and cool in the same phrase only works if it is a negative sentence. Thank you, I’ve been working on that one for a while, Mom always outshine me in this. Really? ‘Cause I’ve heard that you are Shakespeare, actually.

Secret to some, well known to some. You’ll have to figure that one out on your own. Oh, don’t worry Alex, we make sure there’s always noise in the house. Probably, and I will never understand high school groups. Or Queen B’s. Sometimes, I’m so thankful I never went to high school. Bootylicious is also weird, I have to be honest.

That’s not fair, I’m the oldest and your favorite... I should know most of them. God, please don’t tell me this is yout was of saying that you two are thinking of having a little one like Aunt Thals. Well, you did go to school... I mean you were one of the first people to listen to Socrates back in ancient Greece. Hey, that song is iconic. Everyone knows that.

That could get interesting. Maybe you’ll finally get some more secrets out of me. And if you two ever want a break, Charlie and I are happy to babysit for the weekend. May have been? Louis’s fake ID said he lived on “69 Alex Lane”. No, Rose I fully blame her uncle Percy. Weird way to word that, but I’ll let you have it.

Are these secrets popular knowledge to all the Di Angelo’s or will I get the special treat of being the first to know them? The house must be quiet for you to offer that...I’m joking, I’m joking! But I will definitely take up on that offer soon, dad, thank you. Ha ha, yeah... I think Mike’s was 420 Oswin Road... One of my finest jobs I might add. It was definitely Uncle Percy, but I think that being the school’s Queen B helped that a little. What can I say... I’m too bootylicious for you.

Wow, you must be tired. We never have these heart to hearts unless you’re in trouble or exhausted. I don’t know how to break it to you Alex, but being one of the oldest, you might have been the horrible influence. Not jealous, but I didn’t want to be one upped.

I could easily sleep for an entire month, so I think the heart to hearts will get more common from now on if I don’t get a decent tour at snooze town. I will say that I may have been a horrible influence to Lou and Mike because I was on college and they were young and impressionable. I’m not taking the fault for being that to Rose or Matt. Huh, sure, I know you want me all to yourself.

Oh trust me, I made a lot of mistakes. Your mom and Charlie stopped me from making more. My hope is that you’ll be a better dad. I remember all of that very clearly- almost too clearly. To be fair, I think that if somebody is going to be black out drunk, it should be with the medical personnel and not the lawyer who was even worse in their youth.

Everyone makes mistakes, your intentions behind it it’s what makes you a great dad and if that’s right, I can say wholeheartedly that you only had the best ones. Hey! I never had intentions of getting black out drunk, I just had horrible influences back then and my moral compass was going loco. You can just admit that you are jealous of me with anyone else, I understand, I’m kinda of a big deal.

I still don’t always get a full night’s sleep because I still worry about you all. If one of you doesn’t answer your phone, my mind immediately thinks worse case. But they’re going to get older and you learn to trust them. And trust me when I say that waking up at 2 am to a crying toddler is much easier than waking up at 2 am to drunk 16 year old. Sometimes, I think it’s too comfy. But we’ve finally been able to move the trash can we kept near it in case you puked, so bonus interior decoration points.

That somehow put me on ease. Thanks. I guess if I grow to be half as good as a dad that you are, that will be enough. Oh shut up, I wasn’t the only one who had to use that trash or should I remind you of Rose and Vic high school days? They were somehow worse than me and Jed, but with a little more poise. Besides, you were the one that told me to call you whenever I needed when I was drunk after you found out my go-to was Auntie B.

Do you want to know the real answer, or the one that will give you some form of hope? I’m fully prepared to lie to you in order to make you feel better. Couch is all yours, although we do have a guest room. Unless you’re going for the nostalgia.

Can it be a mix of both? I want the truth but not something that will make me lose all my hopes on being a dad. I’m definitely going for the nostalgia, I’m missing the days of being drunk and stumbling to it instead of the guest room. Besides, that couch is really comfy.

We’ll save the caffeine IV for when you really need it, because I don’t think anybody else would appreciate that. Alex, you can always come over. You don’t even need to ask. Besides, with all of you growing up and moving out, it’s unnaturally quiet around here.

Is this your way of telling me I’m gonna feel more like shit than I already am? Please tell me the secret as to how you were able to raise five kids because the more I think about it, the more I’m starting to think you are an alien. In that case, I’m spending the night and claiming the couch.

Eh, don’t worry about making it up to me. That’s your mom’s job. I will say, you look like shit. Do you want me to bring anything over, like dinner or maybe a caffeine IV?

You also had a finger raising me, though. I would probably be a lot worse if I hadn’t a Dad around. I will take the caffeine IV in a heartbeat, but can I come over? Lisa and Seb are spending time with Uncle Mason and Aunt Avery... and I kinda miss my Dad.

You know, that apology just isn’t as satisfactory as I thought it would be. But on behalf of all of us who had to pick you up from the principal’s office, we accept.

Well, I’m running solely because of five shots of espresso with zero hours of sleep and at least three hours of crying... I will make up to you when I have a decent night of sleep?