many questions to the moon
She sits in her room, near the window and she thinks about him. The Moon is above, but also in front of her white face that became even more paler than before. The moonlight is stretched across her skin and the shadow is on the floor. She thinks about him and also misses the time when they were together, his laughter, his smile and the smell of his clothes. There is a need inside of her to reach for him, but she cannot. It is over and after all, she was the one to put an end to it. But she misses him and thinks about him now. Is he unhappy without her? She was the one that brightened up his nights, just like this Moon does right now. She wants to know if he is okay when he lays at night in his bed, trying to fall asleep and he hears nothing but his voice in his head when he thinks about what he had done and why this life is cruel to him. So badly she wants to go back to him and hug him, just until he falls asleep, but doing that would mean staying over until he wakes up, then until he falls asleep again, it would be a never-ending cycle.
She always felt everything more than others, well, more than people that she knew since there are a lot of people like her, those that feel everything more than others. When she loves, she loves enough for them to think she is a lunatic. By doing so they make her think something is wrong with herself, but is there? Is there something wrong with loving until you burst? She wonders around her mind; why can’t she be like everybody else? Why can’t she just be a simple girl with a boy who will love her the way she loves him. Then again, she sees all those people who say and show how much they love each other, they want the whole world to know that they have one another. Little do they know that she knows who they slept with while their lover was alone in bed, waiting for the other one to come home to them. she never understood those kinds of people, the ones that cheat. She thought that if the relationship doesn’t work anymore, you should always leave rather than hurt the other half. Fear does many things to people, and cheating is one of them. They are all afraid of leaving and hurting the other half that they’d rather cover it up and have a relationship with lies.
That was another thing she never got to understand; lies. Why do partners always lie? Many of them want to present themselves as a better person at the beginning, but what happens in the middle; when they get to know each other and see the real person behind the mask? The answer to that question would be the: the ending. When she was in love for the first and only time, she never lied. Well, a few times, yes, like everybody else, but nothing important. When they would fall asleep together, she never wanted to hang up because she wanted to sleep with him when he was across the sea. In the morning he would ask why didn’t she hang up, she said that she too, fell asleep.
Or when he hurt her, she never said she was hurt, she just said that it was okay, that she already forgave him. Maybe that was her mistake, but maybe she was just protecting him from his dark thoughts. Eventually, she told him at the end that he hurt her, not because she wanted him to suffer, but because he also told her that he couldn’t be with her anymore, how they would be better off being friends. Since he was telling the truth, she needed to make it fair. They did become friends after they broke up, sadly she couldn’t keep up with him as a friend. But him telling her what he did the night before or who he kissed was too much for her to handle. Even to this day, I think she still thinks he is a good person. When he was harming her and abusing her, he could’ve been worse, and in that she saw a good person. He did what he had to, it was the part of him, but he still tried to reduce it because of her, at least, that’s what she thinks. He also never forced her to be naked or have sex with him. He always made her feel safe and always let her know that it would be alright. Some people wouldn’t even do that.
The Moon is on a different spot in the sky now, throwing moonlight and making a shadow behind her from a different angle. She wants to ask the moon: why did he do this? Is there a way back? Maybe he can be changed? But the Moon doesn’t reply, the Moon just gives her light, nothing more. And why did she ask it when she already knew the answers.
She thought they would always be together, just like everyone does when they fall in love, but she wasn’t everyone. When one night she noticed he was being quiet, she asked him what was wrong. Instead of giving her the answer right away, he took three hours to tell her that he hated his job. Until then, he let her question him; about him being a hitman or a thief, if something had happened with his family, if she hurt him, if everything was okay between them. He never even replied to any of that, he just let her tell him how much she loved him, how everything was going to be alright and how she would do anything to protect him. That also meant telling him that even if he was a killer, she would do anything for him. She meant it, as I said, she almost never lied.
Only a year ago she would do anything just not to sit by the window and look at the Moon alone. She was very lonely, maybe that’s what pulled her towards him. Oh, how she misses the first month of their relationship! The first day they met at that lonely street when he asked if he could walk her home because she was afraid of walking all alone. It was all good because he also lived in the same neighbourhood. That month was full of late night talks, full of lust and kisses, hugs and questions about each other. Another question puzzled her; how couldn’t she see him for who he really is when they were together, when they had their eyes looking at each other?
She used to love him. Used to, I repeat because there is a difference between loving someone right now and loving them in your memories. Maybe not even in your memories, maybe it’s just feelings trapped inside those memories, like stardust is trapped inside a star.
Although time passed, still, she can’t quite figure out what happened back then. Many days and nights are foggy in her mind because on most of them she was filled with wine more than the love she had for him, or better to say, his love for her. It is a complex set of thoughts, yet, nothing stops her from thinking about him and his actions. She cannot figure him out, even to this day, he remains unknown, just someone she loved and someone who she thought she knew, nothing more. He was as unknown as the universe itself. We all think we know much about the universe, in fact, we know nothing. Just like she knows nothing about him, and what’s more interesting; he was once her universe.
It was time for her to leave the window. A girl with a heart of average size like everybody else, yet somehow bigger. There is one boy that would like to kiss her, but she doesn’t want to kiss him. He is just another boy, just like the one this whole story is about. Just another boy, only the one I told you the story about had something that drew her to him. This one doesn’t attract her; she feels nothing. Even though some nights she just wants anyone to be there with her, it is not anyone she is looking for, it is someone. To that someone, she wants to give her heart to. What a young foolish selfless girl she is, always first to love and get hurt. It is funny how simple human beings we all are, yet very complex at the same time. This girl is just a hopeless romantic and maybe that will never change, maybe that she doesn’t want to change, and I agree with her. It is better to wait for someone who will appreciate her and see her for who she really is rather than wasting her time and love on someone who is not worthy of her. I hope that someone will come to her, I hope she gets to experience true love while there is still passion and hope inside her bones. I see her, here, in the mirror, I see her looking at me, although she is not visible much, I can see her as much as the Moon allows me to.
That same Moon is now above him, her first love, and no matter how badly he treated her, how badly and toxic he was for her, he gave her a chance to love fiercely and to experience loving. Would she do it all over again? She would, that is why she is so unique and different from the rest. Love is the only thing she knows, the only real thing that somehow always failed her, yet made her a special being filled with magic.
She says goodbye to her rounded friend, tells it to keep an eye out on him while she is gone and she feels hopeful. Even if she doesn’t find that ‘someone’, she found herself and there is so much love left for her to give to this world and those who need it.
blakekathryn
germansingergirl
pixelskylines
areudirty
jimmyeatworldofficial
