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confessions of an eating disorder sufferer

my experience with anorexia, binge eating disorder, orthorexia and body dysmorphia began in mid 2014. my recovery began in september 2015. now, almost a year after the darkest times in my illness, I’ve been able to find happiness. I don’t know if it’s permanent, I’ve relapsed countless times. I’m determined this time though. I didn’t want to post a typical ‘before and after’ picture, because of the competitive nature of eating disorders. however I chose to post this picture of myself from the holidays. I went to the museum with my dad, instead of staying home to drown in my own anxiety. it was fun and I bought ice tea that had SUGAR in it! *gasp* I may be weight restored- but more importantly I am happy and FULL OF LIFE. in the depths of my disorder I lost more than weight, but self-acceptance, self-control, and happiness. A ghastly picture of a frail girl could not represent the absolute hopelessness and self-loathing that I felt though that time.

currently, the voices in my head are still present, but I’ve gotten pretty damn good at ignoring them. recovery has not been easy, and a good day is pretty much always followed by a day full of anxiety.

I can’t be sure that I’m ever fully recovered, but I am sure of this.

EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT A CHOICE.

I can’t control the feelings of ‘fat’ (and I use that term VERY LOOSELY) or the preoccupation that I have with food. behaviours are not reflective for the reasons behind this illness. the truth behind this myth is that sufferers do not choose the anxiety, the choose the behaviours. for example, the UNCONTROLLABLE feelings that I have of anxiety over free food at parties, causes me to CHOOSE to stay at home.

EATING DISORDERS ARE NOT A BODY TYPE.

at my worst, I was not at my smallest. eating disorders are MENTAL illnesses. the psychological stress and trauma that I was placing on myself during that time ensures that I will NEVER return to that stage ever again.

EATING DISORDERS DO NOT DISCRIMINATE.

yes, I happen to be a young, privileged female. but eating disorders never discriminate. my problems stemmed from a need of control my life. I can realistically see a male/female, of any social class, any race, any age, any sexuality, placing the same pressure upon themselves.

EATING DISORDERS ARE DEADLY, NO MATTER THE SEVERITY.

eating disorders THRIVE from disordered behaviours. something like choosing to drink skim milk in the morning can spiral into days of starvation, or binging on so much food that you cannot move. I’m still cant believe how quickly my disorder escalated. however, I was always convinced that ‘I wasn’t sick enough’. every disorder deserves attention, and care.

and lastly, and most importantly…

EATING DISORDER SUFFERERS ARE NOT THEIR ILLNESS. THEY ARE HUMANS, WHO HAPPEN TO STRUGGLE WITH BODY IMAGE, ANXIETY, DEPRESSION, PERFECTIONISM, AND OBSESSIVE BEHAVIOUR.

I think this is what I struggle with the most, because I question, what would I be without my eating disorder? initially, I believed I would be lost, without purpose. however, I’m reassured every day by the people that I love and adore that I am SO MUCH MORE, and I’m even starting to believe it.

thanks! give the laughs back pls

bad joke