with love, ange.♡

I first heard that my mom was sick while I was in class.

It was 9am in the morning, and I just entered the zoom call; I was preparing our PowerPoint for a presentation that day and was double-checking everything when I heard a small ‘ting!’  from my phone.

“mga anak, may covid ako.”

It was morning, but the message illuminated brightly on my phone’s screen. I remember staring at it for a while. My sisters and I don’t live with my mother because she lives in Japan, so we rely on our group chat so that we can talk to each other in spite the long distance between us. I was never bothered by this because my mother has been working overseas since before I was born. However, I never felt the frustration of distance until then.

I remember having to suck it up and doing our presentation as if it didn’t bother me. I remember my hands shaking so vigorously that I had to hold it down with my thighs or else I will breakdown. People always said that facing problems with a weak will can result in disastrous consequences, and with the amount of problems I have encountered in my life, I thought I knew what to do. But when it involved my mother, I found myself clueless on what I should do.

I immediately messaged my mother and asked how she was doing; was she feeling okay? can she breathe properly? did it affect her colon cancer? I was so ridden with anxiety that I cried at the thought of my mother being hospitalized again. Running away from our father meant that we only have our mom as oour parent figure, and having to lose that one person in your life was too much of a pain to bear. But my mom just sent a smiley emoji, all while saying “Okay lang ‘nak, kakayanin ko to hehe. ako pa? :D”.

Maybe it was because she was the eldest among her and her siblings, or maybe its because she had to be a breadwinner at a young age that she managed to re-assure us so perfectly. Whatever the case, we found ourselves crying, knowing that our mother was probably suffering badly while we sit in the comfort of our rooms, limited to measly screens as a way of communication, as a way of saying ‘don’t worry, we are here for you.’; the struggle to comprehend the problem we have to face in order to move forward was something we have difficulty of doing and I was bitter that my mother had to be at the receiving end of everything. My father cheated on her, was abusive, and was a gambler; right after we escaped from him, we had to face another big boulder in our lives.

When I asked her how she got covid, she said it was from work. My mother worked at a small office in Nagoya, was fully vaccinated, and was pre-cautious on everything she did, and yet she managed to get covid in spite of her cautiousness on everything. Her workmates apparently got it too and they were forced to take time off in order to recover. My cousins, who were also working there, got covid as well, and was stressed about how they will be able to provide money for their families given their situation.

I found myself wondering why they would worry about money even though their health was at stake, but my mother answered ‘ayun lang nagbibigay ng lakas sa amin, nak. pag alam mong may sumasalalay sayo, ayaw mong ipakita sa kanila na nanghihina ka.’; maybe it was because I’m too young to understand the importance of resiliency, especially as an adult, but I wasn’t accepting her reasons and told her to stay put. With her condition, it’s better to rest.

I was happy that Japan had a good way of handling the situation; they went to my mom’s apartment every 3 days and gave her medicine. Every weekend, they would do a swab test on her to check whether or not she still had covid. They also provided her with allowance knowing that she won’t have a source of income for the next few weeks or so. 

Everyday, I thank the heavens that they gave my mom another chance to be okay. It has been over a year now since it happened, and my mom is fully recovered. Thanks to the way Japan handles their covid cases, my mother cheated death again.

Na hindi ako naging sapat para mahilom ang iyong malalalim na sugat.

Na hindi ako nagpakatotoo nang sinabi kong pinagkakatiwalaan kita.

Na tinago ko ang lahat ng lungkot na aking nararamdaman.

Na hinayaan kitang mawala sa piling ko.

Mahal, patawad na ganito ang ginawa ko. Sadyang ayaw lang kita tuluyang mawala sa aking mga kamay. Ngunit, nang ika’y mawala, wala na akong nagawa kundi tumingin at tanggapin ang nangyayari sa ating dalawa.

“are you okay?”

I try to process my answer. I want to say I am, that I am perfectly fine of everything happening in front of me. My mind is not in shambles, my heart is not grieving, my eyes are not crying. 

“I’m okay.”

I answer. Yes, yes I must be okay. There’s no point in dwelling to where the pain settles, right? I’m okay.

“Are you sure? Be honest with me.”

I felt my ears pound from all the harsh whispers. My blood rushing through my veins. My heart thumping faster. Should I lie? I want to lie. Maybe then I could convince myself. Seconds passed, then minutes. He was about to speak-

“Yes, I’m sure I’m fine.”

They once told me how love was supposed to feel.

“like a drug.” my drunk auntie slurred, “addicting and blissful to the mind.” she says, her lips curving into a smile.

“like flying.” my mother whispers, “a short escape from your problems---a small world full of happiness.” she sighs.

“like torture.” my father booms, “Your heart ripped out of your chest as you plead to the heavens, accuse the gods---’what have you done to me, what have you done to me?’ when it is you who inflicted it upon yourself.” he looks at me sternly, his eyes filled with burning fire.

“do not let yourself get to this point; the skies and the gods will never give you the answer you demand---it will only mourn for your loss.” 

 That, my dear, is called love.

Love is the person you see in the morning light despite the engulfing darkness. Love is the person you share your bitter coffee with while you watch the sun's first kiss to the heavens. Love is the person who left you letters of hellos and goodbyes. Love is love, and yet we are so afraid of it. The moment those words leave your mouth, words so overused yet we never get tired of hearing, remember to breathe in. Think of the future—the possibility of which we are so afraid to fathom. Breathe out, and remember it is worth the risk. It is always worth the risk. When you look at his eyes, see if you see the galaxies swirling in them. Remember that the eyes are the windows to the soul, but they are also a mirror of who you are. So if you see galaxies in his eyes, this is how he sees you. Never settle for words or fairytales about the girl who is loved again, despite her flaws. Settle for the story about a girl who fixed her own flaws, strengthened by the boy who is fearless—willing to give you his soul, his heart.