WARNING: This blog will involve portrayals of poor mental health, self destructive behaviors, and Danganronpa-typical violence. Know your limits and only interact if you feel safe.
General Info
Gender: AFAB, apagender, any pronouns (she/her primarily)
Height: 5â9ââ
Weight: 131 lbs.
Chest: 38ââ
Blood Type: A- blood type
D.O.B.: March 22
Likes: 1930âs-40âs ballroom jazz
Dislikes: Writerâs block
Notes: Ultimate Writer
Angel Abrams, raised in Pennsylvania before transferring to Hopes Peak, is unapologetically and irrevocably herself. Often sporting alternative clothing, she chooses not to be ashamed of her passions, interests, or tastes, hoping to encourage others to be comfortable with who they are as well.
She keeps to herself, preferring the company of her fiction-related thoughts rather than people. If she does meet someone she happens to hit it off with, she will not hesitate to converse excitedly about her projects, and the fictional characters that she holds dear.
Her mental health is fair-good, with her physical health being fair â being a writer comes with the detriments of not being active much. She does not enjoy the feeling of being left out, or purposefully excluded from important information. Those who judge others for things they cannot control irk her more than anything else.
After losing a friend to suicide, Angel takes it upon herself to do anything she can to keep those she holds dear to her close. Her determination to support her friends may or may not interfere with her moral code, depending on the AU.
MOD INFO
My name is also Angel :3 you can call me Floyd if it gets confusing though
Any pronouns
This OC is V3 centric, but interactions from characters of the other games are welcome as well!!
Willing to RP in any AU, including non-despair/highschool AU!!
Feel free to torment this little critter, but any hate toward myself will not be tolerated
Anyone, including non-rp accounts and rp accounts that are not Danganronpa related, can send asks/start an RP!!
Iâm open to any ships, except for any morally wrong ships (incest, age gap, etc.)!!
Comments that are OOC will be [in these brackets!!]
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i would gaf there needs to be another after mine retired.
i got a genuinely life long friend after making the blog. their oc kept interacting and we kept taling outside of there its wonderful @angeltheultimatewriter hihi!!!
âWHAT DO YOU MEAN CHOOSE QUICKâ uhhh FUCKâŚâ Angel appears to be incredibly fearful. âUhâ fucking shit, I canât decide THISâ I love both of them!! I guess dogs, âcause I used to own some, but cats are so cute tooââ
Angel gives Amane an excited wave. âHowdy!â she greets with a smile. âIâve been having a pretty good day, yea â gonna go off and actually write something today, I hope. Howâs your day been?â
EEEP!!! You're so so cool and awesome and cool wowzers you're like the coolest person ever teach us your coolness ways oh cool one
Angel is incredibly flustered by the amount of attention she is receiving. Her hands twist together in front of her as she glances away, making some sort of strangled wailing sound in response. Sheâs grinning to herself, however.
âBut youâre already cool, Anon⌠Howâm I sâposed to teach you coolness ways when youâre already cool as fuck?â
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angel i think i ADORE your necklaces where did you get them
Angel beams. âThank you!! Thank you so much, I got them atâŚâ She pauses, reaching up and fiddling with one of them. âHot Topic? I believe? Either that or Spencerâs â I flip-flop between the two stores when picking out jewelry.â
She glances off, humming softly. âNext thing I wanna do is get ear piercings so I can have cool shit there too, but Iâm a pussy with needles nâ shitâŚâ
Hey dude, donât sell yourself short. You seem like a very interesting person, and Iâm not just saying that! If youâre a bad person, I must be a horrible person, because I think youâre super cool. Okay, Iâm going to say a few things here and you just stop me when Iâm wrong. You seem to associate everything about yourself with âbadâ. I think youâve spent a long time hearing a few specific people make fun of you when you were young, so now you just insult yourself before others get the chance as an instinctive reaction. It ultimately boils down to a defense mechanism. But it helps more than it hurts, because by covering your ears and closing your eyes and repeating over and over âI am disgustingâ like a mantra whenever anyone approaches to talk to you, you may filter out some of the bad⌠but you also prevent yourself from hearing any of the good, any of the compliments and love that people have for you⌠because they do have love for you, Shouma. I promise it.
-đş anon
*As đş speaks, Shouma's eyes become more distant and bleary looking ,-- was he about to cry? -- but even so, he shakes his head, and bows.*
"I-I'm worse than just bad- a-and I don't think anybody could get any more horrible than me!"
"I associate everything bad with myself because I AM bad. I'm nothing more than a disgusting worm!"
"..E-Even if that's true, -- a-about how I cover my ears and p-push people away -- nobody ever has ANYTHING good to say about me! I know it! I'm not trying to block out any good, because there's never any good to block out! There's never anything good to say about me because of how horrible I am! I-I'm.. not even trying to block out the bad.. I deserve all of the bad things said to me, and all the bad things done to me."
"N-Nobody can ever truly love a sniveling roach like me-! There's not a single good quality about me!"
"..I don't understand how you can write all this- you shouldn't be wasting so much time on me."
i have now seen you on two ask blogs of short spike chunsoft guys with cool hats
nice taste
âWhat can I say?â Angel grins. âIâm a sucker for neat hats.â
[ooc: AND THE FACT THAT THE OP OF BOTH IS A FRIEND OF MINE AND I NEED TO LEARN TO SOCIALIZE WITH MORE ROLEPLAY ACCOUNTS AND ACTUALLY USE TUMBLR MORE OFTEN. iâm just a silly guy anon iâm just a silly billy]
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"How the fuck did I get in this universe... I don't think this is the right academy..."
Befuddled as she may have been, Angel decided not to question it, turning her attention to... whoever the hell this was.
"Your hat is quite cool!"
*Shouma quickly turns to face the voice he had just heard, before bowing deeply to her.*
"Ahm- m-my hat isn't cool..! It's cooler than i am by 100 times.. b-but the simple fact that it's touching my disgusting body is enough to make it a rotted object."
"..I apologize for o-opening my nasty piehole again.. but what's your name..?"
Slightly uneasy this strange person's harsh berating of himself, Angel took a small step back. She just wanted to compliment this guy's hat, what was he even going on about?
"Well- Well I think it's cool," she said. "It goes with your outfit nice. Oh- and my name's Angel! What's yours?"
*pulls up to the function (askblog) with a quarter pounder*
For you :3
Also, you know Everywhere at the End of Time, right? That album that I listen to? Well, you, uhâ dâyou like C4? Glimpses of hope in trying times? The one that samples Painted Desert â in any case, itâs growing on me. We should listen to it⌠maybe, if you want.
Ryoma takes the quarter pounder with a small happy smirk.
"you shouldn't waste money on me, y'know angel?" He knew his words wouldn't change her mind, they never really did.
After his question he pauses for a second. "..nah, never listened to it. i only really..got around to listenin' to one or two from the album. when i find a song i like, i stick to it." Ryoma stops talking for a second, taking a small bite of the burger he has unwrapped whilst speaking.
âFor real?â Angel asked, perking up. âI meanâ I-I have the records in my room⌠I have all six records for the album, including the last three stages. We could listen to it in my room if you want! I could show you D1 and D5, the other songs in the second stage that sample the Graââ
She paused, halting her words and raising a hand. âI was infodumping, sorry⌠C4âs really the one I wanna show you. It resonates in me.â A soft chuckle escaped her as she glanced down. âCan you tell I like the album a little bitâŚ?â
A part of her wanted to say just how grateful she was that Ryoma put up with her being so excited about small things such as an album she liked. It made the experience all the more enjoyable, sharing it with him, but she wasnât sure how to put this into words.
It had been⌠well, Angel didnât exactly know how long it had been. How long had she gone refusing to listen to her favorite album in fear that the song that reminded her of Ryoma would play? How many times had she passed by him in school and refused to acknowledge him? She longed to at least look at him, but couldnât bring herself to do so, afraid to see those hollow eyes and curled lip of pure detestation aimed at her, serving as a cold reminder that he despised her now.
She was done, she had vowed. There was more that she deserved than someone who had verbally expressed that he had never wanted anything to do with her. This was more than the outburst that had happened when she had taken his hand without warning the other day; these words had been very much intentional, something he clearly had been thinking for some time now. Angel couldnât handle treading on eggshells around him any longer, and decided that she was done trying with him.
There was one small hitch in her plan, however.
She still loved him â and by God, she hated loose ends.
She couldnât leave a matter as pressing as this silent. There was still the issue of her having mentioned Ryomaâs deceased girlfriend, which she knew she needed to apologize for before returning to her routine of not interacting with him. It simply wasnât fair to either of them for her not to speak up on the matter; silence such as this only bred animosity.
After having some time to think about what she was going to say and do, she left her dorm to find Ryoma.
Ryoma himself still felt horrible. No matter how much his arms stung, his heart still hurt an ungodly amount. He could chew up as many candy cigarettes he wanted, nothing could make this go away. It almost made him wanna go back to the real cigarettes he used to smoke, way back in prison. Only reason he did quit aas because of memories, even the scent of a cig made him think back to the third day he was there, but did it really matter if the memories were still rushing though your head every single second? They had stopped a small bit from the first day, sure, but they were still very much present. Except, something reminded Ryoma that maybe it wasnât completely lost.
When he had first lost Sasha, he knew he couldnât get her back. No matter how much he cried and begged to everything above and below, he knew she would never be recovered. Thats plainly the reason he stopped feeling, why should he allow himself to feel if it was all gonna be useless in the end? But, Angel was still alive. Sure, she hated him, he knew that, but the simple fact she was still breathing meant she wasnât completely lost. If he could just try again, just try for her. Ryoma had passed by her time and time again on campus, but he could never force himself to look at her. He was admittedly afraid of seeing her cry, it made his heart wrench to see her cry. He knew it was his fault for her sadness, and that only makes it worse.
Ryomaâs mind begged him to go out to find Angel though, at least to clear up if heâd ever be acknowledged by her again. If she said no, Ryoma didnât know what heâd do. He didnât want to think about it. Ryoma got dressed out of the same outfit he had worn since that day, he hadnât cared to do basically anything. He winced as he had to strip down, but was comforted just the smallest bit that nobody was watching him, or forcing him to do anything. After he put on an actually clean outfit he pet Francine, who had came up to him wanting attention. He said a small goodbye to all the kitties, and walked out of his dorm to go find Angel.
Angel was already there, standing a couple doors down from his dorm room and looking like a deer caught in headlights as she caught sight of him. It was clear from her gait that she had been walking in the direction of his dorm. Quickly looking away, she shoved her hands in her pockets as she attempted to simply breathe and not freeze up.
Her mouth felt dry as she forced herself to meet his gaze, appearing unafraid â or so she wished she was beneath the surface â of the glare she was expecting to see on his face. âRyoma, I need to talk to you,â she told him simply, her voice even. âCan we go into your dorm?â
Ryoma himself was a bit shocked to see her coming right for his dorm. He played it off nonetheless, looking up at her with a neutral expression. âsure.â He said bluntly.
Ryoma fidgeted, hand already moving to his pocket, but he remembered he had eaten almost every single pack of his candy in his stress. He sighed heavily, both of his hat points pinning down, something that he didnât think to hard about, but something that Angel could take wrong. That did not cross his mind as he walked into his room, gesturing for Angel to follow. After she comes in, he shuts the door and sits on his bed. Something Angel noted, is that Ryomaâs usually tidy room was more cluttered and dirty than usual.
âso. uh..â Ryoma trailed off. What could he say? He didnât know. Its not like she cared about what he had to say anyway. Sheâs just here to wish you the worst life fron here on out. Shut up. Ryoma tugged at his sleeve slightly.
She made no motion to sit down, opting to stand instead just in case this interaction would go wrong, and she would have to leave. She willed herself not to fidget â this was too important for that â and stood still. Her gaze flitted to how Ryoma pulled at his sleeve, and automatically she began to assume the worst.
The symptoms of a depressive episode were very clear in her eyes, and having learned about his harmful habit not too long ago, it was more than likely he had done it again. White-hot numbness threatened to spread throughout her body as it had before.
Already things were going wrong, and she hadnât even spoken. Maybe she should do so now, instead of overthinking like she always did. Useless thinking. Useless Angel.
âI wanted to apologize,â she said simply. âI crossed a line that I knew was there, and under no circumstances should I have said her name, especially not in the way I did. You had every right to react the way you did. I was angry, but that was no excuse for what I said to you. It was disrespectful, to both you and her, andâ and Iâm sorry, Ryoma.â
Ryoma looked up at her, reading right into her. He saw the signs of depression, and yet didnât comment on it. He cleared his throat before speaking.
â..i shouldnât have yelled. someone like me doesnât deserve to get mad.â Ryoma stated, eyes shifting to the floor. His hand kept lightly tugging at his sleeve, his brain telling him to do anything, telling him he cant sit still. He forces his hand down, making himself face Angel. He canât try to hide or anything. He makes direct eye contact, attempting to hold it before speaking again. âim sorry.. for yelling. i dont have any right to yell. you are correct about.. how.. i..s-said tâŚn-nevermind.â Ryoma doesnât want to face it. He hates facing the facts about Sasha.
Ryomaâs bad at apologizing, and with all what she just said, he can barely force anything out. He opens his mouth, and closes it. Finally, he squeaks something out.
âif..if you want to leave me forever..just say so. just..be honest with me and tell me if you want me to leave forever and never come back.â
"You had a right to yell," Angel said firmly. "What I said was disrespectful, not just to you but to her as well." A brief pause. "Even if you don't believe you deserve to feel mad, wouldn't it be right to feel that way, for her?"
Her gaze turned to the floor, occasionally glancing up at his sleeve before catching herself. This was not the time to obsess herself over something that may or may not have happened. Right now, setting things straight with Ryoma, that was real.
With a sigh, she met his gaze again. "I never wanted to leave, Ryoma. But after so many times of you telling me to stay away, that you wanted nothing to do with me... I didn't know what else to do. I can never get straight when you want me to stick around and when you want me to go away. It's confusing to the point where it hurts." She pushed her hands deeper into her pockets, trying to keep herself calm. "I never wanted our time together to hurt. I just want to understand."
Angel was right, Ryoma had reason to be mad for Her. He had no reason for the other few times he had yelled though. Ryoma kept eye contact, in the heavy deppresive fog in his mind making it a bit hard to focus on Angel. He opened his mouth, then shut it again. Pushing people away was bound to catch up to him, huh?
"i..." Ryoma was going to have to admit something hard to admit, but he fought the lump in his throat. "i never..w-wanted you to actually..leave." Ryoma said finally, and he resisted the urge to grind his teeth together.
He meant to say something else, but instead he just stood there, unable to make any other wods come out. He just kept his stance looking back into her eyes, deep, pretty blue meeting black. Ryoma wanted to say he didn't want her hurting, he wanted to say that he was sorry for making her think this way, he wanted to say oh so much, but theres only so much you can actually put into words.
Angel let out a soft sigh, looking back down. âRyomaâ then why did you ask me to?â she asked. There was no trace of accusation in her voice, but rather a simple desire to understand. âIf- If you keep telling me to go away, but then you say that⌠I donât understand, Ryoma. Even for someone else whoâ who processes stuff easier than me, I bet that would be confusing.â
Her brow furrowed slightly â was she just stupid? Were there signs that she should have noticed or heeded? How could she have done better? She shook her head in an attempt to clear her mind of thoughts such as these, glancing up to meet his gaze once again.
âI want to understand, Ryoma. I donât want to have these fights anymore. We both deserve better than that.â She paused for a moment, forcing herself to maintain eye contact with him as she pressed her lips together. âIâm worried thatâ that if things stay the same⌠Iâll run away again. Neither of us want that.â
It had been⌠well, Angel didnât exactly know how long it had been. How long had she gone refusing to listen to her favorite album in fear that the song that reminded her of Ryoma would play? How many times had she passed by him in school and refused to acknowledge him? She longed to at least look at him, but couldnât bring herself to do so, afraid to see those hollow eyes and curled lip of pure detestation aimed at her, serving as a cold reminder that he despised her now.
She was done, she had vowed. There was more that she deserved than someone who had verbally expressed that he had never wanted anything to do with her. This was more than the outburst that had happened when she had taken his hand without warning the other day; these words had been very much intentional, something he clearly had been thinking for some time now. Angel couldnât handle treading on eggshells around him any longer, and decided that she was done trying with him.
There was one small hitch in her plan, however.
She still loved him â and by God, she hated loose ends.
She couldnât leave a matter as pressing as this silent. There was still the issue of her having mentioned Ryomaâs deceased girlfriend, which she knew she needed to apologize for before returning to her routine of not interacting with him. It simply wasnât fair to either of them for her not to speak up on the matter; silence such as this only bred animosity.
After having some time to think about what she was going to say and do, she left her dorm to find Ryoma.
Ryoma himself still felt horrible. No matter how much his arms stung, his heart still hurt an ungodly amount. He could chew up as many candy cigarettes he wanted, nothing could make this go away. It almost made him wanna go back to the real cigarettes he used to smoke, way back in prison. Only reason he did quit aas because of memories, even the scent of a cig made him think back to the third day he was there, but did it really matter if the memories were still rushing though your head every single second? They had stopped a small bit from the first day, sure, but they were still very much present. Except, something reminded Ryoma that maybe it wasnât completely lost.
When he had first lost Sasha, he knew he couldnât get her back. No matter how much he cried and begged to everything above and below, he knew she would never be recovered. Thats plainly the reason he stopped feeling, why should he allow himself to feel if it was all gonna be useless in the end? But, Angel was still alive. Sure, she hated him, he knew that, but the simple fact she was still breathing meant she wasnât completely lost. If he could just try again, just try for her. Ryoma had passed by her time and time again on campus, but he could never force himself to look at her. He was admittedly afraid of seeing her cry, it made his heart wrench to see her cry. He knew it was his fault for her sadness, and that only makes it worse.
Ryomaâs mind begged him to go out to find Angel though, at least to clear up if heâd ever be acknowledged by her again. If she said no, Ryoma didnât know what heâd do. He didnât want to think about it. Ryoma got dressed out of the same outfit he had worn since that day, he hadnât cared to do basically anything. He winced as he had to strip down, but was comforted just the smallest bit that nobody was watching him, or forcing him to do anything. After he put on an actually clean outfit he pet Francine, who had came up to him wanting attention. He said a small goodbye to all the kitties, and walked out of his dorm to go find Angel.
Angel was already there, standing a couple doors down from his dorm room and looking like a deer caught in headlights as she caught sight of him. It was clear from her gait that she had been walking in the direction of his dorm. Quickly looking away, she shoved her hands in her pockets as she attempted to simply breathe and not freeze up.
Her mouth felt dry as she forced herself to meet his gaze, appearing unafraid â or so she wished she was beneath the surface â of the glare she was expecting to see on his face. âRyoma, I need to talk to you,â she told him simply, her voice even. âCan we go into your dorm?â
Ryoma himself was a bit shocked to see her coming right for his dorm. He played it off nonetheless, looking up at her with a neutral expression. âsure.â He said bluntly.
Ryoma fidgeted, hand already moving to his pocket, but he remembered he had eaten almost every single pack of his candy in his stress. He sighed heavily, both of his hat points pinning down, something that he didnât think to hard about, but something that Angel could take wrong. That did not cross his mind as he walked into his room, gesturing for Angel to follow. After she comes in, he shuts the door and sits on his bed. Something Angel noted, is that Ryomaâs usually tidy room was more cluttered and dirty than usual.
âso. uh..â Ryoma trailed off. What could he say? He didnât know. Its not like she cared about what he had to say anyway. Sheâs just here to wish you the worst life fron here on out. Shut up. Ryoma tugged at his sleeve slightly.
She made no motion to sit down, opting to stand instead just in case this interaction would go wrong, and she would have to leave. She willed herself not to fidget â this was too important for that â and stood still. Her gaze flitted to how Ryoma pulled at his sleeve, and automatically she began to assume the worst.
The symptoms of a depressive episode were very clear in her eyes, and having learned about his harmful habit not too long ago, it was more than likely he had done it again. White-hot numbness threatened to spread throughout her body as it had before.
Already things were going wrong, and she hadnât even spoken. Maybe she should do so now, instead of overthinking like she always did. Useless thinking. Useless Angel.
âI wanted to apologize,â she said simply. âI crossed a line that I knew was there, and under no circumstances should I have said her name, especially not in the way I did. You had every right to react the way you did. I was angry, but that was no excuse for what I said to you. It was disrespectful, to both you and her, andâ and Iâm sorry, Ryoma.â
Ryoma looked up at her, reading right into her. He saw the signs of depression, and yet didnât comment on it. He cleared his throat before speaking.
â..i shouldnât have yelled. someone like me doesnât deserve to get mad.â Ryoma stated, eyes shifting to the floor. His hand kept lightly tugging at his sleeve, his brain telling him to do anything, telling him he cant sit still. He forces his hand down, making himself face Angel. He canât try to hide or anything. He makes direct eye contact, attempting to hold it before speaking again. âim sorry.. for yelling. i dont have any right to yell. you are correct about.. how.. i..s-said tâŚn-nevermind.â Ryoma doesnât want to face it. He hates facing the facts about Sasha.
Ryomaâs bad at apologizing, and with all what she just said, he can barely force anything out. He opens his mouth, and closes it. Finally, he squeaks something out.
âif..if you want to leave me forever..just say so. just..be honest with me and tell me if you want me to leave forever and never come back.â
"You had a right to yell," Angel said firmly. "What I said was disrespectful, not just to you but to her as well." A brief pause. "Even if you don't believe you deserve to feel mad, wouldn't it be right to feel that way, for her?"
Her gaze turned to the floor, occasionally glancing up at his sleeve before catching herself. This was not the time to obsess herself over something that may or may not have happened. Right now, setting things straight with Ryoma, that was real.
With a sigh, she met his gaze again. "I never wanted to leave, Ryoma. But after so many times of you telling me to stay away, that you wanted nothing to do with me... I didn't know what else to do. I can never get straight when you want me to stick around and when you want me to go away. It's confusing to the point where it hurts." She pushed her hands deeper into her pockets, trying to keep herself calm. "I never wanted our time together to hurt. I just want to understand."
It had been⌠well, Angel didnât exactly know how long it had been. How long had she gone refusing to listen to her favorite album in fear that the song that reminded her of Ryoma would play? How many times had she passed by him in school and refused to acknowledge him? She longed to at least look at him, but couldnât bring herself to do so, afraid to see those hollow eyes and curled lip of pure detestation aimed at her, serving as a cold reminder that he despised her now.
She was done, she had vowed. There was more that she deserved than someone who had verbally expressed that he had never wanted anything to do with her. This was more than the outburst that had happened when she had taken his hand without warning the other day; these words had been very much intentional, something he clearly had been thinking for some time now. Angel couldnât handle treading on eggshells around him any longer, and decided that she was done trying with him.
There was one small hitch in her plan, however.
She still loved him â and by God, she hated loose ends.
She couldnât leave a matter as pressing as this silent. There was still the issue of her having mentioned Ryomaâs deceased girlfriend, which she knew she needed to apologize for before returning to her routine of not interacting with him. It simply wasnât fair to either of them for her not to speak up on the matter; silence such as this only bred animosity.
After having some time to think about what she was going to say and do, she left her dorm to find Ryoma.
Ryoma himself still felt horrible. No matter how much his arms stung, his heart still hurt an ungodly amount. He could chew up as many candy cigarettes he wanted, nothing could make this go away. It almost made him wanna go back to the real cigarettes he used to smoke, way back in prison. Only reason he did quit aas because of memories, even the scent of a cig made him think back to the third day he was there, but did it really matter if the memories were still rushing though your head every single second? They had stopped a small bit from the first day, sure, but they were still very much present. Except, something reminded Ryoma that maybe it wasnât completely lost.
When he had first lost Sasha, he knew he couldnât get her back. No matter how much he cried and begged to everything above and below, he knew she would never be recovered. Thats plainly the reason he stopped feeling, why should he allow himself to feel if it was all gonna be useless in the end? But, Angel was still alive. Sure, she hated him, he knew that, but the simple fact she was still breathing meant she wasnât completely lost. If he could just try again, just try for her. Ryoma had passed by her time and time again on campus, but he could never force himself to look at her. He was admittedly afraid of seeing her cry, it made his heart wrench to see her cry. He knew it was his fault for her sadness, and that only makes it worse.
Ryomaâs mind begged him to go out to find Angel though, at least to clear up if heâd ever be acknowledged by her again. If she said no, Ryoma didnât know what heâd do. He didnât want to think about it. Ryoma got dressed out of the same outfit he had worn since that day, he hadnât cared to do basically anything. He winced as he had to strip down, but was comforted just the smallest bit that nobody was watching him, or forcing him to do anything. After he put on an actually clean outfit he pet Francine, who had came up to him wanting attention. He said a small goodbye to all the kitties, and walked out of his dorm to go find Angel.
Angel was already there, standing a couple doors down from his dorm room and looking like a deer caught in headlights as she caught sight of him. It was clear from her gait that she had been walking in the direction of his dorm. Quickly looking away, she shoved her hands in her pockets as she attempted to simply breathe and not freeze up.
Her mouth felt dry as she forced herself to meet his gaze, appearing unafraid â or so she wished she was beneath the surface â of the glare she was expecting to see on his face. âRyoma, I need to talk to you,â she told him simply, her voice even. âCan we go into your dorm?â
Ryoma himself was a bit shocked to see her coming right for his dorm. He played it off nonetheless, looking up at her with a neutral expression. âsure.â He said bluntly.
Ryoma fidgeted, hand already moving to his pocket, but he remembered he had eaten almost every single pack of his candy in his stress. He sighed heavily, both of his hat points pinning down, something that he didnât think to hard about, but something that Angel could take wrong. That did not cross his mind as he walked into his room, gesturing for Angel to follow. After she comes in, he shuts the door and sits on his bed. Something Angel noted, is that Ryomaâs usually tidy room was more cluttered and dirty than usual.
âso. uh..â Ryoma trailed off. What could he say? He didnât know. Its not like she cared about what he had to say anyway. Sheâs just here to wish you the worst life fron here on out. Shut up. Ryoma tugged at his sleeve slightly.
She made no motion to sit down, opting to stand instead just in case this interaction would go wrong, and she would have to leave. She willed herself not to fidget â this was too important for that â and stood still. Her gaze flitted to how Ryoma pulled at his sleeve, and automatically she began to assume the worst.
The symptoms of a depressive episode were very clear in her eyes, and having learned about his harmful habit not too long ago, it was more than likely he had done it again. White-hot numbness threatened to spread throughout her body as it had before.
Already things were going wrong, and she hadnât even spoken. Maybe she should do so now, instead of overthinking like she always did. Useless thinking. Useless Angel.
âI wanted to apologize,â she said simply. âI crossed a line that I knew was there, and under no circumstances should I have said her name, especially not in the way I did. You had every right to react the way you did. I was angry, but that was no excuse for what I said to you. It was disrespectful, to both you and her, andâ and Iâm sorry, Ryoma.â
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It had been⌠well, Angel didnât exactly know how long it had been. How long had she gone refusing to listen to her favorite album in fear that the song that reminded her of Ryoma would play? How many times had she passed by him in school and refused to acknowledge him? She longed to at least look at him, but couldnât bring herself to do so, afraid to see those hollow eyes and curled lip of pure detestation aimed at her, serving as a cold reminder that he despised her now.
She was done, she had vowed. There was more that she deserved than someone who had verbally expressed that he had never wanted anything to do with her. This was more than the outburst that had happened when she had taken his hand without warning the other day; these words had been very much intentional, something he clearly had been thinking for some time now. Angel couldnât handle treading on eggshells around him any longer, and decided that she was done trying with him.
There was one small hitch in her plan, however.
She still loved him â and by God, she hated loose ends.
She couldnât leave a matter as pressing as this silent. There was still the issue of her having mentioned Ryomaâs deceased girlfriend, which she knew she needed to apologize for before returning to her routine of not interacting with him. It simply wasnât fair to either of them for her not to speak up on the matter; silence such as this only bred animosity.
After having some time to think about what she was going to say and do, she left her dorm to find Ryoma.
Ryoma himself still felt horrible. No matter how much his arms stung, his heart still hurt an ungodly amount. He could chew up as many candy cigarettes he wanted, nothing could make this go away. It almost made him wanna go back to the real cigarettes he used to smoke, way back in prison. Only reason he did quit aas because of memories, even the scent of a cig made him think back to the third day he was there, but did it really matter if the memories were still rushing though your head every single second? They had stopped a small bit from the first day, sure, but they were still very much present. Except, something reminded Ryoma that maybe it wasnât completely lost.
When he had first lost Sasha, he knew he couldnât get her back. No matter how much he cried and begged to everything above and below, he knew she would never be recovered. Thats plainly the reason he stopped feeling, why should he allow himself to feel if it was all gonna be useless in the end? But, Angel was still alive. Sure, she hated him, he knew that, but the simple fact she was still breathing meant she wasnât completely lost. If he could just try again, just try for her. Ryoma had passed by her time and time again on campus, but he could never force himself to look at her. He was admittedly afraid of seeing her cry, it made his heart wrench to see her cry. He knew it was his fault for her sadness, and that only makes it worse.
Ryomaâs mind begged him to go out to find Angel though, at least to clear up if heâd ever be acknowledged by her again. If she said no, Ryoma didnât know what heâd do. He didnât want to think about it. Ryoma got dressed out of the same outfit he had worn since that day, he hadnât cared to do basically anything. He winced as he had to strip down, but was comforted just the smallest bit that nobody was watching him, or forcing him to do anything. After he put on an actually clean outfit he pet Francine, who had came up to him wanting attention. He said a small goodbye to all the kitties, and walked out of his dorm to go find Angel.
Angel was already there, standing a couple doors down from his dorm room and looking like a deer caught in headlights as she caught sight of him. It was clear from her gait that she had been walking in the direction of his dorm. Quickly looking away, she shoved her hands in her pockets as she attempted to simply breathe and not freeze up.
Her mouth felt dry as she forced herself to meet his gaze, appearing unafraid â or so she wished she was beneath the surface â of the glare she was expecting to see on his face. âRyoma, I need to talk to you,â she told him simply, her voice even. âCan we go into your dorm?â
Angel was able to catch up with Ryoma the next day, much to her relief. She didnât want to wait much longer after what she had done yesterday, since she feared that he would forget about the poem or that she would chicken out entirely.
âHowdy,â she greeted pleasantly, leaning up against the nearest wall as she tried to act relatively normal, as if she hadnât just given him a love confession yesterday. âSooooo, I kinda wanted to ask what you thought about that- that thing I gave you yesterdayâŚâ A faint blush crossed her face as she looked down. âWhatâd you thinkâŚ?â
Ryoma trudged a bit closer to her, and looked up into her eyes.
"howdy," Ryoma repeated. "it was nice, i liked it." He states bluntly, nibbling on the candy in his mouth off-handedly. "you are good at writing, y'know? i know its your ultimate and all, but i do mean it."
He spoke, but the one thing notable was that he didn't mention anything about the romantic undertones of the poem. Nothing even remotely close to it. To top it off, he said "you got a cold or somethin'? ya cheeks are pink."
âUhmââ Angel quickly looked away in a weak attempt to hide this. âItâsâ Itâs nothing. Iâm fine. We ignore that.â
She peeked back up at him, fidgeting slightly with her hands. âSo⌠uhâ what did you make of it? Like, Iâm glad that you think itâs nice, you saying that really means a lot to me⌠but was there anything you, like⌠noticed about it? As far as meaning? If not, thatâs okay, maybe I wasnât clear with itâŚâ
"make somethin' of it? in meaning?" Ryoma inquires mainly to himself, thinking back to the poem. "i mean.. it had romantic undertones, but m' sure you didn't mean the poem that way, heh."
Ryoma says, in a mainly joking manner, still convinced she meant it in a friendly way, or that it has been written to anyone else or ANYTHING but romantically.
"if there was anything else to it, m' sorry i didn't see it." Ryoma says, weight shifting from leg to leg, another slight nervous habit, it seems.
Angel blinked, her lips pressing together as the blush on her face grew more apparent. âYeah, uhâŚâ she mumbled, shifting her weight onto one foot and back to the other out of nervousness. âThat wasnât⌠That wasnât exactly unintentional. The romantic whatever⌠I kinda intended that to be there. Thatâs why I threw it at you instead of, well⌠handing it to you. Itâs embarrassing.â
She tilted her head slightly, trying to stand still and not fidget as much. âWhy were you so sure I didnât mean the poem that way?â A part of her feared that the message was too subliminal, or too easily taken platonic, which would be a testament to her writing style as a whole.
"a-ah.." Ryoma bit his tongue hard enough for it to bleed, stuttering was childish. "..ya could've just..handed it to me. nothin' wrong with a romantic poem." Ryoma said, brain still desperately trying to steer away from the idea that ANYONE would try to love him.
"why im so sure..?" Ryoma didn't know. Well..he knew WHY he wouldn't, he could just never admit it to himself. He could never admit to himself that he wont accept love. He wont admit to himself that he has so many walls nobody wants to take the time to break them all down, just for a little someone like him. "ah..just a feeling i guess."
âI mean⌠itâsâ itâs scary, yâknow? Giving someone a poem like this,â Angel mumbled, her gaze turned toward the ground. âItâs⌠really important feelings and stuff⌠I dunno, I just got scared you might think itâs stupid, or that you donât feel the same way. All that just piled up and made me want to run awayâŚâ She gave a half-hearted chuckle. âIâm trying not to run away right now.â
She chanced a glance back up at him, praying that he wouldnât turn self-deprecating at any given moment and snap at her for the real meaning of her poem. Her face was bright red, and she made no attempt to hide it. âThatâs just⌠how I feel, I guess. I thought it was important to know that thatâs how I feel.â
"..i get it. bein' scared and such, runnin' with ya tail tucked between your legs." Ryoma spoke,, letting out a long pause before halfheartedly chuckling out, "you should run away from me, y'know? throw another poem at me, n' just keep runnin' far far away."
"..feelings don't mean anything if they are gonna be wasted on someone like me, angel. i don't think the poems stupid, i think its stupid you care so much." Ryoma was finally gaining back his footing, building back up walls, keeping his brain away from the fact that he desperately wanted Angel. Convincing himself he was worthless was easier than trying to deal with the trainwreck that is losing loved ones.
Angel blinked in confusion. âItâsâ Iâm sorry?â she exclaimed, taking a small step back. âYou canât justââ She paused, realizing that she was going to start getting upset, and took a slow breath.
âMy feelings are just as valid as yours, Ryoma. The fact that I feel this way for you isnât stupid, itâs natural. You canât control having feelings for someone.â Her eyes narrowed slightly as what he said sunk into her a little more. âJust because itâs inconveniencing you doesnât mean itâs not real. If you really want me to run away from you, just tell me.â
"..as if my feelings were ever valid." Ryoma murmurs quietly, before speaking up to say something else. "feelings aren't natural. feelings are dumb things that nobody deserves to have." Ryoma was projecting if he was doing anything but lying. He hated feelings. He hated having to acting like this, love is stupid, and it would never not be to Ryoma.
"i want you.. to run. i want you to..to go. its best for you" Ryoma's words cut through the air sharp as a knife. He knew he didn't actually want her to go. He would never admit it though. He knew there was hesitation in his voice, so he cleared his throat to say it more confidently. "..i want you to run. go. its best for you to go away. we both know its best."
âIs that what you told Sasha when she tried to stick around too?â
A momentâs silence.
Angelâs expression grew slightly vacant as the weight of her words seemed to dawn on her. That was a name she should have kept silent, but it was much too late to un-say what she had just said.
What did it matter anyway? He had ridiculed her feelings â something much worse than a rejection in her eyes. He was so confusing, to the point where it hurt to understand when he wanted her around and when he didnât.
A lost cause, it dawned on her.
âMaybe I should run.â Running was the last thing she wanted to do, but surely it would hurt much less than this. âIâm sorry I didnât listen to you earlier. You were right⌠you mustâve always been right, Ryoma.â
Ryoma stared, then blinked a few times, processing her words. Sasha. A name he has sworn to forget. Ryoma's own gaze faded, became darker, the little light Angel had fought so hard to get back into his eyes fleeting fast.
He felt angry, so angry. What little thought was flowing through his head a second ago filled with blinding rage at Angel, at himself, at Sasha, at ANYTHING.
"..WELL MAYBE YOU FUCKING SHOULD GO ANGEL!" Ryoma barked out at her. "OF COURSE I WAS RIGHT! I'VE BEEN RIGHT! YOU SHOULD'VE LEFT FROM THE START!" His breath came to him in sharp, quick pants. "..Fuck off angel. I never needed you, or ANYTHING TO DO WITH YOU ANYWAY!" Ryoma grinds his teeth before stepping back further into his dorm.
Angel took another step back as Ryoma raised his voice at her, pulling her focus away from the way he was staring at her. It was as frightening as ever, but this time she couldnât help but freeze, her mind a blur of everything all at once.
Slowly, her gaze turned back to meet his, unflinchingly rigid yet simultaneously vacant, devoid of that spark that had always shimmered in her eyes when she spoke to Ryoma. âOkay,â she said, her soft voice a stark contrast to his sharp words. âOkay. Itâs⌠best, after all, isnât it?â
Turning away before tears had a chance to form in her eyes, she silently walked off, her head bowed and her hands deep in her pockets.
Ryoma slams his door roughly, almost not hearing what Angel said. Smoky and the two other cats, who Ryoma had lovingly named Francine and Princess mewed underneath him. Ryoma barely registered them as he trudged to his bed, memories he thought he buried deep enough to never think of again racing right back through his head like it was the same day he saw their corpses. Like it was the same day that he felt this emptiness heâs now grown used to. Like it was the same day he wanted to live on for his family, but the same tug and pull to take himself into the eternal blackness with the rest of them being equally as enticing.
Ryoma flopped down, turning over what had just happened in his mind in an attempt to chase away the other thoughts. He had yelled, he had yelled a lot. His throat hurt. Ryoma swallows, it doesnât help. Whatever. It seemed then, the true meaning of the poem dawned on him. Ryoma sat up sharply, as if about to get out of his bed to return to Angel, but he knew it was too late. Wow Ryoma, you sure do know a ton about being âtoo lateâ, huh? His mind needed to shut up. He dug around in his jacket pocket for some candy cigarettes. Angel wont EVER care again! Do you know how dumb you were for that? She CARED Ryoma! She cared, and you broke it away and ran with your tail tucked like the little bitch you always are! He shoved one into his mouth, only to crunch it down immediately, clawing at himself. You really dont matter, hm? You deserve pain. No. Angel told him he mattered, that he should hurt himself- But Angel doesnât matter anymore, remember! She. Doesnât. Care. About. You. Nobody does! Who could, hm? âŚ
Ryomaâs mind was clouded with mixed messages as he reached over to open his bedside drawer.
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