𝒶𝓃𝑔𝑒𝓁 face, 𝖉𝖊𝖛𝖎𝖑 𝖍𝖔𝖗𝖓

“Mhm, I guess it is” he hummed through a sly grin. Unable to keep his eyes off of her as he walked with her, until she abruptly stopped. “I’m all for going back to my place, if you are? I wouldn’t want to leave too many bruises on your beautiful skin.” Taking girls home was still pretty new to Guerin, but he was having way too much fun with it.

A small smirk spread across her lips as she held out her hand, raising her eyebrows slightly as her eyes littered themselves with curiosity, slinging her purse over her shoulder. “We walkin’ or you wanna take my ride?” she asked with the shrug of her shoulders. “Either or, you lead the way.”

“Actually… I’ve been lucky.” Rusty said quietly. “I don’t know but… my boyfriend does. I know how badly it can screw someone up.” He sighed quietly, reminded once again of just how much pain there was in the world. He smiled at her statement, remembering the first time he had started to suffer from withdrawals. It had been terrifying, not being in control of himself, desperately longing for something he didn’t have, couldn’t have. He watched her carefully as she thought on his questions, immediately feeling guilty for hitting her with so many at once. “I’m sorry,” he apologised again. “I didn’t mean to crowd you.” He was about to take back his own words and tell her she didn’t need to answer when she began to list off the drugs she had been using. He made a mental note of each one, sorting them into categories based on how strong they were, their withdrawal effects, and how dangerous it was to quit them cold turkey. “Okay…” He said quietly, nodding to himself. “Okay…” He bit down on his bottom lip, knowing the chills and the sweats could be caused by any of the aforementioned substances. “This is going to sound insane, but hear me out, okay? Do you have any Coke left or- or any Oxy?” He asked, something in him really hoping she would say yes to the last question, although he didn’t want to admit why. “I think it might be safer to wean you off of the Coke and Oxy over the course of today and tomorrow… the rest will definitely not be fun, but you’ll survive it.” 

Angel couldn’t do much but hum in response, okay, so maybe not everyone knew how toxic that type of relationship had been but when it came to him? It was impossible to let go. And as he spoke, she couldn’t help but stare at the ground beneath her as she walked, letting out a soft breath. “He didn’t mean to,” she murmured in response, trying her best to defend the man she had been so adamant on loving, but there was nothing else she could say. It was a constant loop. He didn’t mean to. The words began to skip and she was worried soon enough, the CD would crack and scratch in the player that was her mouth. Shaking her head, the blonde let out a weak laugh, her shoulders shrugging as they neared the cafe. “It’s normal, right? This is the shit you have to know if you wanna get clean. But yeah -- I do. A lot of it, unfortunately. It’s gonna be a bitch trying to flush the shit,” she muttered beneath her breath, raising her brows as she tried to imagine herself by her toilet, the blue pills and baggies of white powder hovering over the bowl, the mere thought of dropping them in the water sending a shiver up her spine. “We sure? Because last time, I almost choked on my puke.”

Derek could only stare in shock as she relayed the story as if it wouldn’t impact him, as if the thought of her dying was something he could get over easily. His eyes brimmed with tears, Derek pulled her back in, thoughts a blur to what could have happened, to what he should have seen coming. He wasn’t an enabler, but he might as well been. Not wanting to comment her lifestyle since he too had his own vices, Derek never tried stopping, never asked her to slow down, and the thought of almost losing her for it shook him to the core. “It’s not your fault,” he managed to whisper to her hair, unable to look at her. His tone shook as thoughts of her gone threatened to overwhelm him. “You can’t – fuck, Ange. You can’t have that happen to you and not tell me.” It was a selfish thought and he was probably the furthest thing from her mind, but he couldn’t help but feel a touch of anger at the fact that he could have lost her and he wouldn’t have known until it was too late. He pulled away slightly, putting on a brave face, and looked her dead in the eye. “You have to stop. You can’t – you fucking can’t go on like this. All the shit you’re doing? You can’t have that happen again.” Derek’s mind throbbed while trying to remember what other substance she had access to. “I’m not leaving,” he stated firmly lest she had any ideas. “I’m not. I’m going to stay here and we’re going to deal with this, okay? You dying is not going to happen. Not on my fucking watch, Angel.” Derek shuddered and held her close once again, stroking her back as he calmed the nervous energy buzzing in him. “There’s not much worth living for here and I can’t have you gone. We’ll figure this out, okay? We can leave if that’s what you want. Pack our bags and just go.“ After everything that had happened, Derek wasn’t afraid of busting out a familiar move.

As he pulled her back in, she couldn’t help the tears that fell from her eyes, her head nodding as he spoke to her, his voice feeling like an anchor, bringing her back down to earth, back down into his arms, and back to the world, no matter how fucked up it had been, around her. “I-I didn’t want to scare you, I know how you get and I --,” the words cut short between the sobs that fell from her lips. He was all she had left in this world, she knew it would’ve been selfish to pull him into all of her bullshit, especially with how much he had going on in his own world. Hands came up to huddle around his own, looking to the pair of blue eyes that mirrored her own. Dayton was a playground full of broken memories, every place she’d looked, every street she’d turned down, every face she knew was a constant reminder of everything that had gone wrong. All the things that reminded her of what she had lost was constantly surrounding her. Maybe leaving hadn’t been that bad idea. Still, she shook her head. She knew what he had waiting for him around her. And now? With everything she’d lost, she wanted to fight for something to gain. “W-We’ll stay and I’ll... I’ll be okay.” The words were a hope, not a promise, but she wouldn’t let him know that, the very thought of not being without him could be enough to keep her around.

Holding Angel had Derek relaxing, all worries from whatever the hell he was feeling slowly drifting away as if it never had him in the first place. Everything felt better with her around and he knew he’d never had this much of a connection with anyone else. She knew him, knew the deepest parts that he never wanted to show anyone else. She chiseled her way into his heart and made a home there and even if he always teased her on being in his life too much, he knew he’d never need anyone this much. “I’m gay because vaginas scare me,” he reminded her, remembering the way he tried to love her the way she deserved. In the beginning of their bond forging, Derek had the same question, always wondered if it would have been easier if he could develop just the right amount of feelings for the girl, but over time, he figured that the love he had for her was unmatched, something no one could ever level with. She was practically his soul mate and the fact that he had her in his life was an absolute blessing. Being with her would’ve just made it all the more perfect, but life never seemed to work that way. At that point, they had the next best thing. Derek frowned as he noticed her fiddle with the ring she always kept. He never really questioned it though he already knew who gave it to her and as hypocritical as it sounded, Derek hated the idea that Angel still kept a piece of him around. “I’ll never leave,” he said with no hesitation. “Angel, I’ve seen you do a lot of stupid things, okay? A lot. You’ve seen me do the same. You’re my best friend and I’d be dumb as hell to ever let anything come between that. Whatever you think you did, it’s probably not that bad.” Derek cringed at the words, remembering that it was Tyler who he said it to. Angel had the same amount of power to break his heart, but it would leave an ache that’d be too unbearable to shake. “I’m staying,” he repeated, voice firm. “There’s nothing you can say that can make me leave.’

Angel swallowed at his words, eyelashes fluttering closed. She remembered that they’d tried. They’d tried being together, but something always felt off but this? this was enough for her. Being in his arms, him holding her close and the beat of his heart echoing in her eardrums. “Do you remember..  a few weeks ago -- Neveah left?” She asked him, her voice low as she spoke, her mind flashing back to the images of blurred faces, the siren of the ambulance going off and then total darkness. “It’s my fault she left,” she whispered softly, shaking her head. Teeth bit down at her lower lip, taking in a large inhale as she spoke. “I died.. twice actually. I OD’d.” They felt like poison coming from her lips, pressing together as she cleared her throat. “I d-don’t know... What happened, really?” the statement came off more as a question as she pulled away from his grasp, the thought of even being comforted felt wrong as she continued on. “Fentanyl, Oxy, Ambien, Coke -- Neveah walked in and found me... She said I was barely breathing, I just.. With school and work, and everything, it felt like I couldn’t breath and then -- my heart stopped.” Looking over she rolled her eyes a she smiled. “I died, and I wasn’t -- I wasn’t scared, Derek. It was just.. dark. Dark and quiet and I felt peaceful, for once in my fucking life, I felt like everything was right and then I woke up and it’s like, my body wanted me to just give up. So it did.” She swallowed shallowly, her mouth feeling dry and her voice hoarse as she tried to speak. “It’s my fault she left, and now I don’t -- I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.”

“Careful I might fire you. Kiss that PTO goodbye,” Hollis remarked dramatically, wrinkling his nose at the blonde. He wished she wasn’t so fucking hot so it would be easier to get angry at her. Damn Hollis for having a weak spot for pretty girls like the lad he was. His mind thought about one of those snap bracelets girls fucked around with in the late nineties and Hollis wished someone would slap him in the back of the thigh for all the shit he was thinking about in his brain with regards to her. A flick on the nose would work just as well, probably. Hollis’ eyes widened at her stash reveal, loosely smiling at the baggies and all the potential she was tossing in his direction. Maybe he could be swayed to keep her around even if she didn’t show up and shorted him on staff. “You know you’re solid, Gel. I’m not gonna extort you or whatever. It’s cool,” he mumbled, taking up a couple baggies and examining the product inside. “I mean fuck it, right? Let’s get turnt, we both have nothing to lose now. I got you covered at work and I’m covered too. That’s what happens when you have people working for you.” Hollis sighed, eying the pain pills and hoping he didn’t look like a dog begging for a bone. “Ooh, ambien too? My stash is lacking that these days. Didn’t see you much as an addy girl but I get it, it’s the new rage right up there with fentanyl.” For a second Hollis chewed on his bottom lip, adjusting himself on the edge of her bed and taking out his wallet. “Can’t say no to blow, babes. Down to get fucky? Why not with this haul? Looks like you’ll never get bored up in here.”

“Fire me and you can kiss some of my loyal clientele goodbye right alongside my PTO. Face it Holls, I got you by the balls,” she’d pointed out, her hand coming up to make a cupping motion to the air, before turning a finger out to bop the tip of his nose. Rolling her eyes, she let out a short chortle. “Believe me, if I thought you were gonna extort me, you wouldn’t be breathing right now. But, I’m down. As long as you don’t tell people how messy I can get. And as long as I don’t OD -- again.” The last word came out jokingly, as she reached over to the bag of oxys, tossing him the pack, the curious look in his eyes not going unnoticed by the blonde. Scooting closer to him, she tapped the bed at the empty side next to her, encouraging him to get more comfortable before she reached over his lap to the other nightstand, opening the drawer as she pulled out a small silver tray. “Hey -- when you’re taking AP courses in physics and quantum mechanics, addy becomes your saving grace. Pretty sure everyone in my classes are hopped up on this shit. Fentanyl though?” Angel asked, her head shaking as her eyes widened slightly at the mere thought. She’d only tried the drug once, and what she had remembered of it? Well, it wasn’t good. “That’s the shit that sent my sister into rehab. Well, that and whatever the fuck else she was on.”

Derek flinched at her tone, hand instinctively grasping her tighter by the waist, drawing her closer. The sight before him almost had Derek drawing back, wanting to make sure she was alright but he knew that if she ever caught on that he treated her like she was fragile, he’d get a beat down. Derek’s eyes followed hers, frown evident through his brows, but not so much that Angel would have to see that he was way too worried at this point. “You’re not like her,” he stated, voice steady. “You’re not because fuck, Ange, look at you. You’re actually trying to make yourself better. I’m so fucking proud of you.” The relief that washed over him made the ache in his heart dull. Angel was going to be okay and he’d been too stuck in his own mind to see the signs of withdrawal. “You look like shit, though,” he commented, trying to lighten the mood with the usual banter that they had between them. “Ange, I’m hurt, really. I almost set fire to your kitchen one time and I’m branded for life.” Sighing, Derek led Angel to her bed, kicking off his shoes and shucking off his jeans. He’d always been comfortable around the girl, having laid out his soul to her on a weekly basis, so undressing was never an issue. Derek was never a fan of intimate touches, but with Angel, it was different. He didn’t feel vulnerable or weak; he felt as if the chaos outside the room could wait. He tossed his shirt off as well, leaving him in his boxers, the heat from walking around the city starting to kick in. “I know, babe, I know. And you’re stuck with me too, wifey. Just not tonight, okay? I’m not even sure I know what’s happened yet or how I’m feeling about it. I promise, once I get my shit together, you’ll be the first to know,” he assured her, leaning in to kiss her on the forehead.

As he pulled her closer, she almost instantly felt herself soften. He could always do that to her, always make her feel like nothing in the world could hurt her. Not as long as he was by her side. He’d always considered her the strong one, that she knew. Ever strong-willed and always loud and unapologetic, but it was him that gave her the strength to be that way. For the past four years, it had been them. He was there a year into her relationship with Xavier. He’d known everything, ever part of her, except for the ones she kept a secret. “Not really, Der,” she mumbled out softly, her face furthering nuzzling into the crook of his neck, feeling her eyes sting at his words. I’m so fucking proud of you. The comment held so much weight A secret she had never told, worry he would look at her differently. Worried he wouldn’t be the same person he’d been around her usually. The fun between the both of them suffering when it came to light. “I know I do, but you don’t -- unfortunately. God, why do you have to be gay?” she asked, leaning into the bit as she allowed weak laugh to come from her lip, trying to keep up her energy. Watching him undress, her eyes rolled damn near to the back of her head at the kitchen comment. Crawling into bed, her head fell onto his chest -- the silence that had filed the void between the both of them was deafening. A nagging voice at the back of her head yelled out. Tell him, tell him. “Promise me, you’ll never leave alright?” Her words were shaken, and in that moment, she was sure she could breakdown right then and there. Wet blue hues glanced up at the man who held her, swallowing shallowly. “Because... I can’t -- I can’t handle someone else leaving, Derek. And like I know -- I know y-you said you’re proud of me, but you promise that you won’t leave me, right? Even if I do something stupid?” she asked quietly, letting her head rest again as she looked to the large lit screen in front of them, the background noise filling the room.  Enough to keep her thoughts from rushing into her dreams, or nightmares rather. Nervous fingertips began to fiddle with the previous engagement ring that hung around her neck, flipping it as she bit her lower lip. “Because if I tell you I did something stupid before -- I need to know you’re gonna stay.”

i hate you. no, that’s a lie. i wish that i hated you. i wish i could see your face and feel nothing but a passionate detestation but all that followed when my eyes fall on you is an overwhelming rage, sadness and then happiness. like i’m going through the five fucking stages of grief everytime i look at you, but it never ends with acceptance. i bargain, saying one night is enough to drink you in and it is, until i need more. that’s the thing with addiction, it’s always enough until it isn’t. because the truth is that i love you and god, i hate that i love you. i hate that i look at you and all that flashes in my mind are the memories of pure bliss and only one moment of complete agony because then my pros and cons list ends up always being definite. you’re a pro. i hate that when i look at you, i never want to push you away but pull you closer and never let you go, afraid that i won’t be able to breathe without you. that without you, life isn’t worth living. i hate that you make me weak. i hate that you’re my weakness and i hate how much i absolutely fucking adore every single piece of your soul. and i hate to admit that i’m sure that without you, love isn’t real, and is pointless unless you’re the one i’m loving. 

Rusty bit down hard on his bottom lip, remembering those kind of toxic relationships from his own past. He couldn’t tell her to stop, that wouldn’t be right, so he nodded silently, wanting her to know that he was listening. He frowned to himself, remembering how easy it had been… using drugs to avoid facing his own emotions. He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss the simplicity. It was times like this that he started to reconsider whether helping others with their substance abuse issues really was offering him a sense of control. His sponsor was adamant it would help him to feel more secure in his own sobriety, more in power… but addicts so often liked to talk about why they were using or how good it felt to be high. Was it really healthy to dwell on such things? “Not again?” He asked quietly, wondering whether Angel was talking about physical or emotional pain. He stopped walking when she talked about potentially getting clean, shocked into falling still, recognising her statement for what it was. A decision to try again, a decision to let him help her. It was a lot of pressure, he couldn’t remember ever helping somebody to get clean. Sure, he had helped people stay clean but that felt entirely different somehow. He hurried to fall back into step beside her, his mind working to think of possible ways to make things easier this time. “Your body went into shock…” He guessed. It had very nearly happened to him on more than one occasion, but he was lucky enough to scrape by without needing a doctor. “I think I know ways to- to combat that. What do you usually take? Can I- can I ask you that? Are you starting from today? How do you feel right now?” The questions were suddenly pouring from his lips and he fought to hold his tongue, not wanting to scare Angel into changing her mind. “I’m sorry, I’m just… trying to think.” 

She didn’t know how she’d ended up there tonight, but as Rusty sat and listened, she could honestly say she hadn’t been mad that she had. Angel hadn’t found solace in many people, well sober people. In fact, the more she thought about it, the more she’d realized her life was filled with chaos and bad influences at every corner, but honestly? She couldn’t give up the people who she’d let in -- they knew far too much. Her tongue came out to lick her lips nervously. “You know -- a fight blows up. Things happen.” She tried her hardest to move on from the subject of Xavier, a finger coming up to the tip of her nose, tapping it softly as she nodded. “Bingo -- Yeah, no one really warned me about how bad the crash is,” she murmured, her tone a bit annoying as she’d rolled her eyes. Of course, something so good had to have a downfall, nothing could ever be good just for the sake of being good. Did he just ask what she’d been on? The questions were rapid fire, oceanic hues widening as she felt herself a bit overwhelmed at the interrogation. “I-I um,” eyebrows raised as she tried to gather her thoughts through the hazed mind. “A lot I don’t really --.” Embarrassment. That’s what she’d felt when he asked what she’d taken. Embarrassment that she’d allowed herself to spiral. “Um... xanax. Xanax... Adderall, Ambien, I did some molly -- cocaine, actually a lot of cocaine and Oxy,” she managed to get out, her voice a bit shaken as eyebrows knitted together at her own words. How the fuck wasn’t she dead? “Right now?” Angel asked, her eyebrows perking once more as she allowed her eyes to set on him. “Honestly? I’m a little cold... clammy, I guess? Cold sweats? And my skin feels like -- I don’t know, it feels like electricity is starting to go through it. Usually by now, I would’ve popped something else, but well, you know.”

Her hand felt like a lifeline, something Derek desperately needed so he wouldn’t float away. She was his rock, always keeping him within reality’s line, and he could never repay her for making sure that he didn’t wander. Her steps were slower, groggier, and his concern flared, eyebrows scrunching as he tried to rack his brain for a way to make this better for them. She needed him, too, and sometimes it seemed like he leaned on her constantly, taking more than what she was willing to give. He was a selfish bastard, but he loved the girl to death and he would be damned if he let anything happen to her. “Do you want to throw up? I’ll hold your hair back, babe. We just need a bunch of those out of your system, okay?” Derek could deal with his own problems another time. Right now, out of anything, she was his priority. “Nothing,” was his automatic reply. There really wasn’t anything wrong with what Tyler did. It was Derek and his stupid feelings and the fucking naivety of actually wanting something even if all the evidence pointed against it. He and Angel both knew the consequences of falling and fuck, wasn’t a one time fuck up enough for Derek? Did he need to get hurt over and over again to finally learn his lesson? Shame coursed through him as he realized that even while Angel was admittedly pretty banged up, she had her focus on making sure that she knew what was wrong with him and God, he truly fucking didn’t deserve her. Leaning into her embrace, he held her tight, eyes wet with unshed tears. “Let’s just talk, okay? Cuddle, talk, I don’t care. Do you want food? I can make you food. Just. I just need you tonight.” Tonight and every night after, but Derek was going to make sure he gave just as good as he took. If Angel had anything in her own life that she needed to let out – hopefully the drugs coursing through her bloodstream – Derek would be there.

The way he’d deflected almost set something off inside her. He didn’t need to worry about her, not when he’d called at three in the morning, tears in his eyes and gone all the way to her apartment. The room had been spinning sure, but all her focus was only turned to one person in mind for the moment -- Derek. “Der... Stop!” the words came out louder than she’d intended them, a hand coming up to hold her head, eyelashes fluttering shut as she tried to recenter herself, a deep breath filling her lungs. “J-Just... stop,” she let out weakly, her throat felt raw, hoarse and raspy as she spoke. “I’m not -- I’m not fucked up okay? Actually the opposite, at this point, the pills in my fucking side table are calling out,” she’d admitted quietly, eyes beginning to scan toward the taunting drawer that she knew had filled the brim with her party treats, pulling her eyes away as her shoulder came up to shrug, lips pressing together before she spoke. “My sister called -- she’s coming home from rehab and if I don’t -- she’s just gonna keep pushing the whole sobriety shit and I -- I don’t know. Maybe if I can go a few fucking nights without this shit, it’ll prove I’m not like her, okay?” she said, her breath hitching slightly as she hugged him a bit tighter, fingertips digging into his shirt, her head shaking. A laugh escaped her lips at his words. “I’m pretty sure you couldn’t make me mac and cheese without burning down my apartment. Right now -- all I need is you. And you’ve got me, Der. I promised you that the minute I met you. That’s not gonna end anytime soon; I hate to break it to ya’ but you’re stuck.”

Rusty nodded quietly, taking in everything Angel was telling him with a sad smile. Everybody who attended these meetings had something in their past you could link to their addiction issues. Angel was clearly no exception to the rule. “Do you still see him?” He asked. “Or talk to him?” He couldn’t tell but the way she spoke made it feel as though they still had some form of relationship, although that could simply be nostalgia. His expression darkened at the mention of her mother. It hit a little too close to home. “I lost my parents when I was fifteen…” He admitted. “I nearly lost my brother too.” He took another thoughtful drag of smoke, letting a few beats of silence pass between them. He wasn’t ready to tell her how he had abandoned Paxton when he needed him most, wasn’t ready to tell her how he had chosen drugs and forgetting himself over caring for his twin brother. “If he finds out how bad you are… what do you think he might do?” He felt genuinely concerned for his new friend, wondering whether he should worry for her safety. “If you ever need somewhere to stay, you’re welcome to stay with me, though- my roommate, she- she isn’t exactly sober. She has a habit of leaving… temptations lying around.” He smiled again when she took his hand, enjoying the fact that it didn’t feel strange. He was already so comfortable around her, he hoped this friendship would grow into something permanent. He knew, despite their brief conversation, that he would miss her if he never got to see her again. “Withdrawals?” He asked, raising his eyebrows in surprise as he was pulled towards the cafe across the street. He tried not to let his hope show, although he had a feeling she would be able to read him like a book. “Are you thinking of- of doing it? Of getting clean?” His smile grew and he caught her eye, squeezing her hand in what he hoped was an encouraging gesture. “Of course I can help you, I’ve been through it all- well, too many times to count. It isn’t easy, but if you give me a list of what you’ve been taking, I can probably make it a little more bearable.”

“I still fucked him. I’ll probably still end up fucking him. I’ve known him since we were babies -- we grew up together. It’s hard to step away from,” the blonde explained quietly. I was supposed to marry him. The words felt like something she would whisper again, a thousand years ago. But now, she’d leave it where they sat. Angel gave him a struggled smile as she thought back to when her life hadn’t been so fucked up, when her sister had been the one who’d been the screwed up. When everything had seemed so much simpler. “Nevaeh always knew how to handle the shit. I always folded. Then... I don’t know, the drugs helped. They didn’t make me feel so much. I guess that’s why this year got so bad, after I left Xavier,” as he mentioned her ex, her eyes snapped up, recognizing the tone of worry she’d heard from Derek so many times before. “He wouldn’t hurt me. Not again. He -- He fucked up once and he.. can’t lose me again. He’d just freak, you know? I’m supposed to be it. And then I dunno I start feeling the pressure build up again and,” her words stopped in their tracks as she cleared her throat, shaking her head. As they walked, the cool air felt like needles on her skin, every nerve ending feeling like it’d been maximized by ten and she was sure the feeling would only get worse as time had passed. Rusty’s words were hopeful, she could tell, but she’d tried this before, only for it to end in disappointment on everyone’s part -- the people surrounding her sending her drinks, the lines of blow laying themselves out on the table in front of her. Her self-control had never been at it’s peak, it’s how she’d always found herself back in this place time and time again. “Maybe it’ll stick this time,” the blonde tried with a small shrug, a laugh escaping her lips. “All I know is the last time I tried it, I ended up in the hospital getting pumped full of different shit.”

“angel, you’re going to give me a fucking heart attack by the time i’m forty-one.” so many of angel’s issues were her own damn fault because she wasn’t listening to him or anybody that knew better. usually, chris was good at circumventing these issues and finding an answer without losing his mind, but he wasn’t sure he would be able to do that today. maybe it was the pent up sexual frustration and this was the straw that broke the camel’s back, but he was furious. “don’t give me that bullshit, angel. it doesn’t fucking matter how relentless he is, you have a phone and a seven-figure bank account. you pull out that phone and you call a god-damn uber. you don’t get to tell me he was relentless because you wanted him there and you know you fucked up by letting him come.” chris ran both hands through his hair and sighed. now there wasn’t just one person, there was two. great. “then what we’re going to do is sell the place you’re in now and put you in a smaller house or apartment. i know your father didn’t want that, but you can’t handle the rules it comes with. in a different house, you could invite over alll the fuck buddies you want and its not an issue. we’re taking naveah’s name off of everything anyway, dso that’s not a big deal.” for a moment, chris’ heart started to soften. he was all she had, and he did actually love her like she was his child. then she ruined it. “you pay me, correct, but my job is your lawyer, not your therapist and not your life coach. i’m going that because i want to, but i can’t fix your life when you keep getting yourself into shitty, bulll-fucking-shit situations that are your own doing. i’m not going to keep fixing things only for you to go back to fuck it up again. it’s time to start growing up, angel. take responsibility. i kicked out my fucking boyfriend for this, what the fuck.”

“Honestly? Coke is probably gonna be the choice – shit’s expensive – I can’t remember why I buy so fucking much. Oh yeah, because everyone keeps stealing my blow. Next time the shit happens, someone’s gettin’ fucked up.”

It didn’t escape Derek’s notice that Angel drove the other way, back to her place, and he couldn’t be more grateful. She always knew what he needed before he even knew himself and that was how he survived this whole time, finding solace in her. Angel was always there and there was no doubt in his mind that she’d always be there for him no matter how bad he fucked up. She was cemented in his heart and he had no plans on taking her out; he was himself when he was around her, walls down and no amount of bullshit between them could have him faking how he actually was. Silence filled the car and he couldn’t think of anything to say, any explanation that could accurately capture what the hell was going on through his mind slipping through the slits of reason. He was in love and that was the very notion of what laid down the groundwork between them. Angel knew firsthand how it was, the yearning for the past, something safe and familiar, and they both had worked on getting through it, but seemed like Derek was failing on that regard. He knew of Xavier, but Angel was always the stronger one between them and  though he wasn’t quite sure how their relationship was, he was confident that she wasn’t as fucked, wasn’t as naive to think that they could have another beginning. The sight of Angel’s apartment complex took him out of his reverie. It had been a while since he slept over and knowing himself, it was wise that he wasn’t alone. He needed something to hold, someone to touch, and to just be told it’ll get better because he had a hard time believing it at the current situation. “Combined some shit, huh? What kind of shit?” Derek didn’t judge, but he couldn’t help but worry. The girl could take down substances like a champ but just because her spirit was in the right place, it didn’t mean that her body could keep up. He didn’t know what would happen if she ever took it too far, and he wasn’t a nag, but he wished she could slow down every now and then. “I love you, Ange,” he whispered, words he only saved for certain people making its way up his throat. He exited the car and grabbed her hand, using it as a lifeline. “I really do.”

She’d squeezed his hand, her own clammy from the cold sweats she’d been experiencing, slowing her steps more than usual as she felt herself dizzy at the mere thought of walking, thankful as they entered the elevator, plugging in the key, her body bracing against the railing. Nothing, that’s the problem. The words never escaped her lips though, she just simply shrugged. “I-I think it was some muscle relaxant and an Oxy?” Not enough. “Then, an Ambien, couple Xanax. I shoulda stopped at the Oxy.” Better. She wouldn’t dare mention Xavier, the mere thought of disappointing him too harsh for her to bare. Her stomach twist and turned as nausea raked through her body, eyelashes fluttered closed as her hand held onto his a bit tighter, taking in a deep breath as she shook her head. “What did he do?” she asked him quietly, knowing all to well about who’d already had her best friend in shambles, the very name she’d pleaded with him not to go back to. Yet still anyway, the attraction was too strong. Magnet and metal, pulling toward each other, neither begging for the other one to stop until reality barged in, ripping them away from each other. Derek was different from her. She’d gotten used to suffering in silence, pushing away the thoughts and numbing herself while embracing the loneliness. Did she hurt? Sure. But she’d never tell. Every tell in her body screamed of withdrawal, but still she ignored it, pushed it away as the elevator dinged, pulling him into the penthouse, leading him to her room before pulling him into her arms. “I know -- I love you too, Der, but you need to tell me what he did, okay? If not... I’ll wait. We can watch a movie? Cuddle a bit? We can sleep? I mean, you can -- I don’t know if I can.”

xavier didn’t deserve angel, and there were moments – much like these – that clued him in to this fact. he’d hurt her in a way he didn’t realize he was capable of, abused her in a way he promised her he never would. and yet and still here they were, intertwined at the edge of her bed, their moans and declarations of love heavy and hot between their lips. his hips rolling to meet her movements, xavier wanting so bad to prolong this fucking feeling, but knowing his efforts would be futile. he didn’t deserve angel to be near him, let alone holding him so closely. he’d tried to replicate this feeling with the bodies of strangers and lovers alike, but nothing would come close to the fulfillment he felt when he was with angel – inside of angel. but she let him in for some reason. she loved him enough to look past all of his bullshit from day one, and welcomed him in with her big smile and even larger eyes. she allowed him to fall in love with her even though he’d rarely admit it aloud. she let him protect her in any way he could - allowed him to get closer to her than he’d bother getting to anyone else. and all xavier could wonder was why? why would she let him this close, considering who he was? he pried himself from her grasp, almost begrudgingly, and lifted her legs around his waist so he could move their bodies further onto the mattress. he wrapped himself in her arms again, resting his head against her chest - almost as if he were the weight keeping her from drifting away. again. with one arm around her waist and the other hand running along angel’s skin once more - he found himself in a state of euphoria. quite the opposite of post-nut clarity. “’m not gonna hurt you again, angel.” he said aloud, but his words weren’t for angel - he was making a promise to himself that he hoped he would be able to fucking keep this time.