😐
i hate you. no, that’s a lie. i wish that i hated you. i wish i could see your face and feel nothing but a passionate detestation but all that followed when my eyes fall on you is an overwhelming rage, sadness and then happiness. like i’m going through the five fucking stages of grief everytime i look at you, but it never ends with acceptance. i bargain, saying one night is enough to drink you in and it is, until i need more. that’s the thing with addiction, it’s always enough until it isn’t. because the truth is that i love you and god, i hate that i love you. i hate that i look at you and all that flashes in my mind are the memories of pure bliss and only one moment of complete agony because then my pros and cons list ends up always being definite. you’re a pro. i hate that when i look at you, i never want to push you away but pull you closer and never let you go, afraid that i won’t be able to breathe without you. that without you, life isn’t worth living. i hate that you make me weak. i hate that you’re my weakness and i hate how much i absolutely fucking adore every single piece of your soul. and i hate to admit that i’m sure that without you, love isn’t real, and is pointless unless you’re the one i’m loving.
