Goodnight

Lately, I’ve been relying on the safety net of love. He is the one person who I feel completely safe and like myself with. I don’t know what happened to my self-confidence, but these days i’ve been looking at people like i’m 2 feet tall or something. I think I have an inferiority complex. I think I have issues opening up. Why? Not sure.

But, I don’t want to keep relying on this safety net. I love him, and he is one of my escapes. But he can’t be my only escape. And I have to learn to live days without him. Not because I don’t love him anymore. But because I don’t want to have my sanity rely on a single person. That’s terrifying.

I’m going to meet new people,

Work on new projects,

Find a new job,

Cultivate new hobbies,

& just keep my mind so busy that it has no room to be hung up on the 500 worries it has on a daily basis.

Alright so Day 0 ended like i said with all of us very high after a night of weird salsa drops. Oh also i “got” a cute

Then day 1 begins!!! From what I remember, we took a bunch of Amsterdam handle pulls. I got pretty drunk honestly. We took photos of course. Then into the venue we go! We go into Do Lab and chill for a bit. Then us girls separated from the guys. We saw Kyle. It was awesome he is great lol he had funny videos of some nerdy kid telling him he was on a mission! Played Playinwitme, i wish Kehlani came out omg.

Ok but THEN we went in closer to see the Neighborhood. Man they were amazing live and I got to see my FAVORITE SONGGGG Sweater Weather ever that i kinda wish i got to record but its all good lol. OK BUT BEFORE THAT I LITERALLY BLINDED OUT AFTER TAKING PUFFS OF JENNETTE’s WEED! Im crying!!!! I was literally just standing there, way too high, as clouds of black spots started getting bigger and bigger until i saw nothing but black!!! Legit nothing but black for a GOOD WHILE. I was just holding onto Jasmine’s hand hoping I didn’t go permanently blind 😂 after like 5 minutes i started to see people’s forms so i was like OK im good my vision will return. Once my vision starts clearing up, i’m telling everyone how i literally just went BLIND and then Jasmine’s like “WAIT I AM LITERALLY EXPERIENCING EXACTLY WHAT YOURE TALKING ABOUT RN” so im comforting her telling her its gonna be OK and it’ll be over in 10 minutes just feel the music! LMAOOOOO. When Sweater Weather came on it was just pure joy and laughter with us. One of my favorite live song experiences ever!

So the set ends and im not sure what we did after. Oh yeah we went to the merch tent. Met up w Marion and Fursty. Then off to see Kygo. Kygo was ok. Then we run as close as we can for SZA. Tbh it got too crazy. Baby Fursty was trying his best to go to the front. But i was like uhm no ur gonna die. I was kinda tired at this point. Anyway. Sza was magical!!!!!! Wish she played the Weekend tho omfg. She brought out Kendrick for All The Stars tho!!! MAGICAL! Then Fursty and i go deep in for The Weekend. I pop at Sza. Then i’m rollin for the Weekend and its awesome. Loved that set.

Day 1 complete!

Coachella 2018. Where do I begin?

Firstly, i’m so happy I got to spend it with my bestfriends. Even though we weren’t complete because Chichi couldn’t come, it was just so nice to spend some quality time with each other.

Setting up camp on day 0 was just surreal. Our campsite was closest to the ferris wheel and sahara stage.

On Thursday, we battled the wind and heat (lol our stakes came off our canopy legs 😂), walked around and explored the camping area, and then came back to our camp and played King’s Cup. Jasmine made this savage rule where we couldn’t say You or I, and I kept getting fucked up cuz of that 😂 We would be talking like cavemen. “What Jasmine ask next???” Lol. We are ridiculous.

So then we all got drunk, then we took some showers. I was able to catch the sun setting over the beautiful Indio mountains.

Then we all met up again, listened to music, chilled and drank together. Jeff and Joe came to our camp. We listened to Troyboi. We bonded.

Then, we all went to the Not So Silent Disco, where I kept trying to do the kicking rapper dance that Bryan and Fursty do. Then we were all very HIGH from Fursty’s edibles LOOOOL. Doing random ass dance moves and just having fun together.

So thankful for the people in my life.

Just awesome people that are so supportive of me.

I’m so happy to be living my life.

It isn’t perfect, but what life is?

Just glad to be around loving people.

Or maybe I do know the reason, but I don’t want to face it.

I don’t want to animate it. Or make it any more significant than just a small thought in my head.

A small, lingering, painful thought.

Everyday is the same type of battle

I wake up, doubt myself a little, replay embarassing scenes from the past in my head. Just a personal feud between me and my mind. What is new?

When i’m 88 years old, frail and ready to die...

Will I remember all the beautiful things I experienced?

I created comic books out of wide-ruled paper, staples, and a pen. I asked my Dad not to get me a ps3 one Christmas because I wanted a typewriter instead. I wrote lyrics to songs. All I ever wanted to do was create stuff when I was growing up. I didn’t want toys, I wanted art supplies. I remember one day saying that I wanted to be an inventor when I grew up. It was my passion and it kept me going.

Fast forward to college. I majored in English. Most people say that it’s a useless degree, and maybe it is. But the one thing that I can confidently tell everyone, including myself, is that literature is the one thing that makes my heart sing. Writing, reading, stories… the written word. It is my passion. It makes me excited. I love exploring with my mind, I love creating, I love expressing. I majored in English Literature because I love it.

Fast forward to today. I've been feeling how difficult it is to continue entertaining your passions when it feels like there’s no job out there that will let you fuel your passion. I have all of these options career-wise but none of them involve my passion.

9-year old Angelica’s heart would shatter if she found out that 22-year Angelica lost her passion for words just because she thought she couldn’t make a career out of it.

Only the closest people in my life truly understand that I am a romantic person who dreams deeply and is enamored by passion. I find meaning in everything, wherever I can, and no matter how little. I am overjoyed when I hear about my friends and their successes. And I firmly believe that every person should find passion in their lives. Seeing others pursue their dreams makes me wonder why I feel like I can’t pursue mine.