Musings of a Fan-Woman

You know what? Fuck this, I’m not going to end this night being bitter about COVID and shit no one could control. 

I want to personally thank each and every member of the Supernatural cast and crew for 15 YEARS of entertainment. That is long time putting up with us on best days and our worst days. Through joy and tears and rage, never once has any member of Supernatural feel unappreciated or unheard. There are some thing I want to say to some people specifically -    

To Jensen, 

I can’t believe that with everything this fandom had thrown at you, you’re still open to Supernatural being revived some time down the road. That is love and it’s not said enough that we love you back. I know you’re not a horrible or hateful person. I can’t wait to watch you on The Boys (I’ll be tuning in because of you) and I look forward seeing you the future. Whether Dean Winchester rises from the grave or not, Jensen Ackles will always be my example of commitment and perseverance. 

 To Jared, 

Thank you. Just thank you. ‘Always Keep Fighting’ will be a phrase that I carry with me for the rest of my life. You’ve shown me that my mental health is not a weakness, that I can fight through and moreover I can make it my super power. Just like Jensen, I can’t wait to watch Walker, see where you go next. 

To Misha, 

I don’t know if there are words to sum up how much gratitude I have for you being in life. I don’t know when we’ll be seeing you next but wherever it is, know that I’ll be there to support you. I really appreciate Cas’s final that happiness is not owning but just being and I’m truly happy to have been able to share time with you and all the wonderful things you do. 

To Alex, 

I feel like we’re barely gotten to know you and now we have to say goodbye. You were wonderful and charming and made everyone’s day just a bit brighter. I wish you all the best in your future projects. I’ll be rooting for you. 

To Richard, 

You know, thanks to you, I watched Band of Brothers. On a sincere note, not only are you a kickass director on two of my favourite shows, Lucifer and Supernatural, but you brought to life the most important character on SPN for me - Gabriel. I know he didn’t get much time onscreen but Gabriel was my angel, the character I saw myself in more than other and the catharsis of seeing him grow and change, even if he died…a lot, has given me immeasurable comfort and hope. 

To everyone else, 

What was your favourite TV show growing up?

What’s one song that makes you feel something. What is it you feel?

Did you enjoy elementary school?

Do you prefer sweet or savory snacks?

What book did you read in High School that you absolutely hate?

What is one franchise you would wipe from existence if you could?

What is one kind of wild animal you would keep as a pet if you safely could?

What would you name your child?

How would you like the world to end?

You can move Halloween, Thanksgiving or Christmas to another time of the year. Which holiday do you move and when do you move it to?

Which major is the most evil?

Which celebrity would you make the monarch of the United States and why?

Name one thing that proves we’re living in the worst timeline.

Name one thing that proves we’re living in the best timeline.

Would you rather ride a dragon or be able to turn into a dragon?

Would you ever want to live on the moon?

If you could combine our world with a fictional one of your choice, what world would you choose and why?

If you could not be killed by anything other than time, what is one thing you would do?

What is your weapon of choice in a zombie apocalypse?

If your life became a novel or movie, what genre would you want your life to be?

What is the most attractive  name you can think of? Most attractive three?

What is the least attractive name you can think of?

What is one thing about your history you would change if given the chance?

Name one song or movie you’re 90% sure has been lost to time.

Is murder the solution to all of life’s problems?

Is a person ethically responsible for the things they do while under mind control?

You can give a series another sequel by removing all evidence of another sequel’s existence. What series gets a new entry and which series loses one?

What is one horror movie villain or monster you think you could survive?

What’s one reality TV show you’d want to go on?

What’s one dead franchise you wish you could resurrect.

Would you want to rule the world?

You have the power to destroy your childhood nemesis, do you destroy them or let bygones be bygones?

If you could make your hair be one colour for all time, what colour would it be?

What is one super power you’d want to have and one power you’d never want to have?

Could Perry the Platypus defeat Superman in single combat?

What do you think happened to you in a past life?  

What’s your favourite room in the house?

Do you believe in soulmates? What do you think yours is like?

Which circa 2010 crime show are you (e.g., Bones, NCIS, Sherlock, Criminal Minds etc.)?

What prestigious profession does your mother want you to marry?

What’s your favourite kind of candy bar?

What colour do you play as in Among Us?

What species shall inherit the Earth when humanity has died off?

What’s your favourite euphemism?

Is immortality worth the cost?

What colour did you want your childhood bedroom to be?

Make up a new curse word.

What’s one Studio Ghibli movie you’d want to live in?

What internet career do you wish you had (e.g., youtube star etc.)

The fact that Dean kept the dog made me happy. It seemed symbolic of his character development from hating dogs at the start of the show and now he is just grateful.

While watching, I felt a little disappointed at the fact that we were spending the last episode with some dumbass purge vampires led by some girl they saved that no one remembers or cares about. One of the many great things about supernatural is their amazing villains, and I feel like we kinda got jipped.

Of course, I stopped caring about it the moment I saw the nail on the wall. Jensen and Jared’s acting in Dean’s final moments was incredible. At first I wasn’t even sad. It seemed like a incredibly confusing joke for the writers to play at the very last second, but we always knew this was how Dean Winchester’s story would end. Violent, bloody, and unexpected. I feel that this is a very final and full circle ending for Dean.

We got something real special with Sam tonight. He has his morning by himself and we can easily see in every aspect of his face how much pain he was in. His voice on the phone with the man that called Dean’s phone was so heartbreaking and emotional. Sam kept fighting , just like he promised Dean. In this scene, we also get confirmation that Donna is alive, when before, we weren’t sure if their friends were back. Good catch supernatural.

My best friend and I screamed when we saw Sam with his son, Dean. I apreciate his full circle ending, coming back around to a normal life with a family. He also didn’t forgot his past (naming his son Dean, keeping Baby, the photos on the walls). Jared acting and moving around like an old man did give me a good laugh.

It’s no secret that heaven has always been problematic. The way Jack “fixed” things is a start, but the only heaven I will personally accept is having one like the way that The Good Place did it. Having everything and everyone (not really, I will get to that soon) is great for a while, but they will eventually become bored and need to cease to exist.

In the ideal world, I want the love confession and the kiss, but we all kind knew deep down that it wasn’t going to happen. It’s not that I don’t want it to happen (my entire blog is about them!), it’s that they didn’t want the show to just look like some gay slowburn to outsiders. (Check out some of my other reblogs explaining this further and better than I can) We know Cass loves Dean and there is indirect proof that Dean returns those feelings, but we needed something. All we got was Bobby mentioning Cass helping Jack to fix heaven. We needed one visual representation of Cass. We needed him to be standing on that bridge when Dean stopped the car. That’s it, I would ask for nothing more.

This is obvious to me, but I’m sure that there are people that wil get salty over the way Jack was (or wasn’t) acting. He said that Chuck’s mistake was being hands on, and he is right. Jack did nothing wrong when he did not step in to save Dean’s life. The boys knew this, for they did not pray. They understood, and we need to too.

It feels there is still a lot unresolved, but I am too emotionally exhausted to list it. I do have a lot of other problems with the episode, but hop on literally anyone else’s account to see about all that.

Dean looks up at the ceiling, at the peeling wallpaper curling inward at each edge.

“What you said. Before you… before The Empty… before you went. That kinda stuff. Look, I know this sounds stupid, okay? I just. That kinda stuff is really hard for me to hear, man. I just can’t, I don’t know, I just can’t… reconcile that kinda stuff. In my brain. In my heart, I guess. It just doesn’t feel like I deserve it, you know? That I deserve someone to, uh, feel that way about me. That way. Especially not, you, you know? You’re just… I mean Cas, you’re everything. You have to know that, right? Next to Sammy, you’re the only person that’s ever… that I’ve ever truly needed. You’ve always been there. And that kinda scares me, you know? Because you’re this, this angel, and I’m just this… guy. You’re this, this force, man. And sometimes I look at you, and it’s like you’re looking into me. And, I don’t know, maybe that sounds stupid. But I, uh, I get this impression, sometimes, that you know me better than. Well. Better than I know me. And that scares me. Because there are parts of me, Cas, there are parts of me I don’t want you to see.”

Dean’s voice breaks on the last few words. He takes a deep breath, balling shaking hands into fists.

“But I would do anything for you, Cas. Anything. Anything you needed. Anything you wanted. And it’s, it’s cutting me up inside, man, to think that you didn’t. That you didn’t know.”

Dean pauses. His eyelids slide closed against the tears cutting hot lines down his cheeks.

“Anything you want from me, Cas. Anything. Just say the word. It’s yours. I guess I’d just come to realise that. Well. That, for me, it’s always been you, man. It’s always been you, Cas. Castiel. And I just. God, I wish you’d heard me say that. I’m so sorry Cas. I’m so… I’m so sorry. You’ve changed me too. You made me into a better man, a better man I ever thought I could be. You’ve always pulled me back from the brink. You’re my family, man. You’re… more than that. You just, you have to know, that of course… of course I do, Cas. I love you too. I love you. More than… I’ve ever. Anyone, Cas. More than anyone. I love you so much, it scares me, man. I can’t. I can’t do anything without you here. Please, man, I’m so sorry I didn’t say it. I just. I was so scared. But I’m saying it now, Cas. You have to come back, man, please. You have to come back so you can hear it. Please, Cas, just tell me how to get you back… please. Cas. I love you. I love you.”

He’s crying freely now. Cold sweat sticking sickeningly to his skin, Dean opens his eyes to an empty room.