The musings of andywg

Peeking out post bath

I don’t doubt that at some point I will get there, it’s just taking some time to do so.

We've all had days when the bowels don't move as well as we would like...

I know I have been away a while, but look what cuteness I bring back! The next neon athlete is here.

Sometimes I issue a less than well concealed call for help on other social media. It is never answered. At that point I feel less bad about those I have deleted from my social media profile, or at least what remains thereof. It is, however, all a pile of gash.

Imagine being upset at work and the hours intruding on your personal life, yet still at times preferring work functions to going home.

One of the worst things about having been someone who was fit with aims and hopes is to fall so far off the wagon that you can barely run 3 miles and see people setting personal bests whilst you simply pile on weight until you are heavier than your hoover days and not far off tight head weight but with none of the strength. All it does is remind me how far I have fallen. It was amusing on twitter to post one pic how happy I was that I married my wife, and another considering the loss and trauma of losing our unborn child. Loads of people liked the former, nobody reacted to the latter. I sometimes mention that I don't bother with people who make no effort, hence why I lose "friends" easily. But given how many people I have met and supported on twitter, to receive nothing in response to what was essentially a call for some support hit hard. On the plus side, I will lose no sleep over any of them if they only are interested in the happy side of my life.

Imagine a year where you get to marry your soulmate, then have an amazing honeymoon before being evicted by people that by blood are family (but are no longer treated as such). Then you discover you are to be a father… Before your wife is in hospital recovering from the operation to deal with the miscarriage effects. And on top work gets harder and you have yet more exams to study for and sit. Then you find a home, but the sale takes forever as the vendor is not dealing with it seriously. It’s been a pretty hardcore year. And unsurprisingly I have had almost no time for training so am in my worst shape in I don’t know how long. And now I am ill as well. And my mum is still waiting to hear whether the indicators were cancer and my dad has had a complete memory loss episode. Stressful times. Still, soon be Christmas and then i can promise it will better next year, like I do every year… But at least I really did get to marry my soul mate.

After the delight of seeing my first child's heartbeat when we were expecting to be told it was a blighted ovum, everything felt amazing. After a tough year things were going to go our way. The chance to be a father was almost too amazing to comprehend. Sadly I didn't need to spend too long worrying as two weeks later the heartbeat was gone, replaced with pain and bleeding. Another scan confirmed the lack of growth. Within three weeks of the joyous scan seeing what I thought would be my first child's heartbeat I was eating lunch in the car in a hospital car park waiting for my wife to come out of surgery to clear up the "remains" of the miscarriage. Them's the breaks I guess. Life once again proved it would not be a simple affair. And so my focus turned to my wife and supporting her as obviously this affected her far more than me. It was her who had been pregnant after all. Dealing with her guilt was gut wrenching. I knew she had done nothing, but this did not stop her blaming herself for the miscarriage. There was every chance it was my speed that meant the foetus was unviable. Then there were the apologies as if she had let me down... But we struggled through. And then someone at work one lunch time down the pub asked when I was going to start trying for a child. (I had told few people at work what had happened as I did not want pity and statistics suggests at least half of the parents would have gone through a miscarriage in some form or another). So I just laughed, and continued laughing when a jibe about shooting blanks came in before heading back to the office early blaming "loads to do". And that was one of the harder things. That and seeing all the happy pregnant people, and bumping into a childhood neighbour with his child born that day as we had the scan which confirmed it was a miscarriage, and the wall of cards from the recent births amongst co-employees in the kitchen. I do not begrudge them their joy, but I do feel a pang of loss that I have missed out on such happiness. But thankfully fate will not leave my tale in such unhappiness alone. Instead I have been suffering from illness and stress that has meant so little training I am now my heaviest in over 5 years. That and my mum has indicators for two possible types of cancer in her bloods. Thanks fate. You cunt.

I am impressed. When I think I have hit bottom, you keep smashing me down lower. Love andywg. Ps: you are still a cunt.

Oh, and thanks to my amazing wife I've also finally replaced my heavy old bike with a new one. Better is that it's carbon fibre with electric gears. Going from something so bad to so good is amazing. And again makes me want to run even less. But mostly because I love the thought of riding up hold on this beauty.

After the game at Thames Path 100 I tried the solo 24 hour race I had. It was too much and I had too little. I managed just 30 miles in 7 hours and that was me done. Physically I was uncertain, but mentally I had nothing. All the stress of being kicked out of our home by family all crashed in and I spent a fair amount of the night curled into a foetal ball crying. What that meant was that I had to pull the challenge. If I can manage 15 miles out of 100 and only 7 hours of 24 and my mental strength shot there was no way I could get ready for 184. And I just didn't want to. So I stopped. It means I have failed a task I have spent 18 months wanting to get to do. Hardly something to make me feel great. On the plus side I have moved back "home" so can gain with my club again. On the down side, club not is my only run of the week now. I just can't be bothered to run and make no time for it. Naturally, after so many poor training runs, I am nowhere near the speed I used to have and without training there is no stamina or does improvement. Elsewhere I have tried to get into swimming again, putting in a mile in the pool most mornings before work and have taken a minute off a pb which stood since 2011 less than a year after shoulder reconstruction. But mostly it is all directionless. I have no races booked and no desire to do so, even turning down requests for pulling shifts in club relays. Part of me wonders if I will ever race again but most of me just doesn't care. All of me wonders why I am writing this. So I shall stop.

Supposed to be an easy run but the legs seem not to have got that message! (HC2)

Felt good until coming off the Thames pat on the way back. Thah big hill proved I had been going too fast. Let myself get caught at some lights, used a crossing where perhasp not necessary and even stopped to walk the last 20 yards to top of Sidcup Road hill. Still, it's 21 miles with a decent average and give me about 6 hours training in two days. Now for wine!

Really was not looking for that speed after the bike ride. Dead happy with the endurance that is slowly building up.

Lovely day so sacked off a long run for a long ride with my wife, always a good move! Travelling the commute but at a weekend was weird. Lovely to see how much easier the hills are when I don't have a massive bag on my back! Ems did great for the first time on her road bike since probably the Sodbury Sportive. Lovely to do a loop of Regent's Park and then stop for ice cream and a drink.