bad ass mother

Rachel listened to Andy speak, hearing that the blonde glanced down a little bit. She knew that the brunette would never intentionally hurt Oliver, she loved him way to fucking much. “Andy…I understand losing yourself and no one can blame you for that. Its okay to fall sometimes but the important thing is that you are picking yourself back up and he can see that. See how strong you actually are because you are one of the strongest people that I know. Hell I love you for it.” Rachel moved one of her hands to the brunette’s cheek. “Your mother is missing out on a pretty amazing woman. Prove her wrong, be better then what she was. I know its easier said then done but if anyone can do it, its you. I moved across the country this way my mother couldn’t even look at me not that she would so I know how you feel. We both have issues with our mothers.”

“That is good, it is always good to have some time to relax. Kids can wear you out, I am excited to have some, but I know that I will get warn out by them.” Chuckling she nodded her head. “Yes, that is true, but right now I am just testing this out, I am not planning on publishing any of these. Maybe I will come back next year when I am better at this, and then I will worry about publishing if I get good enough at this.”

“I don’t understand why everyone thinks this is a cat. This it’s a tiger, not a cat.” Alyssa said looking to her new stuffed animal that her husband gave to her.

When she leaned back, Rachel dropped her arms from around her shoulders to her waist. “It is though, Andy..You do all that you can for him.” She hated seeing the other woman sad. “How did he get hurt? He’s not going to hate you, Andy.” It was a fear that they both had cause she was the same way with Lily. “I can’t speak for Scott but I can say that he’s an idiot if he was there and unable to trust you. You did what you could even back then, Andy.”

In that moment, she was glad that Andy didn’t turn away from her although she could have. No matter what, the blonde would always support her. She always had and always would no matter what. There was never a time that Rachel, wouldn’t want to deal with Andy. Whatever she was going through the blonde would be there for her in a heartbeat. 

She continued to hold onto Andy, holding her as close as she possible could. Placing a small kiss to the top of her head. “I know you did, baby. And its okay. I understand now.” She whispered also, as if someone was going to overhear them. “You are not a shitty mom, Andy. You are the best mother that you can be. That little boy loves you and that will never change.”

        Leaning back finally, Andy wiped her face and tucked hair behind her ears, trying to get a hold of herself. “I still feel like that’s not enough....” She said, looking at Rachel sadly. “I completely lost myself.... I let him get away with too much, he got hurt... he’ll remember that when he’s older. He’ll hate me for it.” It was her biggest fear. “And I told Scott some of it, but I feel like --- if he was there.... if he’d seen what I put Ollie through.... he’d never trust me again.”

It was time for both of them to face the truth, she didn’t mean to break Andy honestly she hadn’t wanted to break her. She just knew it was time for the truth. When Andy had jumped to that detail, of course Rachel had gotten defensive and told her that she wasn’t doing that, that she needed money for the car. Which had been a lie but it was convincing at the time. That was one thing that Rachel never did, she never stopped loving Andy. And she was more than willing to give up the drugs, stripping and just everything in general this way they could be together for the rest of their lives. 

Hearing the sob fall from her lips, and seeing the tears on her cheeks, the blonde moved forward and put her arms around Andy. She could feel her own tears coming now. “Its okay, Andy—I understand now why you did what you did. You were protecting our boy. I get that.” Her voice was a whisper but her arms remained around the brunette.

        She should have turned away and stopped the hug, but it was too tempting to just allow herself the freedom of falling into Rachel’s arms. Regardless of the time they’d spent apart, they felt supportive and it’s what Andy needed. Maybe not from Rachel herself, but that was the only person in front of her right now willing to deal with her. It’s all Andy had in that moment, and that was enough. 

Her intention had been that Andy never find out about this because it had killed Rachel when the other woman just left. And it had taken a lot to save up for that ring.

Watching her open the box, there was silence between them now. Rachel could feel a lump in her throat forming, and she really didn’t want to cry. Clearing her thought, she glanced down to the dirty under her feet. Finally mustering up some words this way she could tell, Andy the truth. “You thought I was buying extra drugs and doing them with my friends. But in reality I was saving up money to buy that. Before you broke up with me, I had this romantic night all planned and I was going to ask then..”

The confession was hard for Rachel to talk about and let alone telling Andy, it was hard because she knew that she couldn’t have it. She had held onto that box since they broke up and she couldn’t bring herself to ever get rid of it.

        Maybe if she’d just been able to stare at the ring a little longer, without hearing the words that Rachel followed with... maybe then she would have been okay. But what the woman said, and the way she’d said it, it broke Andy completely. She knew she could be selfish. She knew she could miss details, or jump to the wrong conclusions, but this was the lowest she’d ever felt.  You thought I was buying extra drugs... Yeah, she’d thought that, and Andy had been the first person to bright it to light. Not because she disapproved, but because she cared, and she didn’t want to lose Rachel to addiction. And doing them with my friends.... Andy could remember getting jealous, feeling like the outsider, paranoid even that Rachel didn’t love her. It was all reasons why Andy had had to move away --- that wasn’t her. That wasn’t what her life was meant to be like, and she’d exposed her son to it. All the drugs she’d done, the people she’d slept with and the strangers she’d let into her home. Hell, she was lucky she was still alive. 

        And that guilt was enough to kill anyone.

        “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I’m so, so sorry. I’m s... Rach, I’m sorry.... I don’t --- ” Andy blubbered, feeling herself come apart completely. Tears fell down her cheeks and a sob escaped her lips just as fast as she clapped a hand over her mouth, forcing it to stay inside. “I fucked up... I fucked up so bad, I’m sorry.”

“You have been the only one that I wanted to go home to! But all these years, I thought I fucking did something wrong to make you walk away and leave like everyone else in my life. The only one that has never really checked out on me is my crack whore mother. I never thought that you would leave and take Ollie away.” Now everything was coming out and coming to light. “Why couldn’t you just tell me that from the moment you decided to walk away? Why couldn’t you be like ‘hey Rach we need to talk about some shit and we need to get the fuck out of here.’ You didn’t think I would go with you or some shit?” That seemed to get Rachel more pissed off. Moving into her car, she opened the glove department and grabbed the box and shoved it into Andy’s hand. “Surprise, baby. I would have.”

        She thought it was going to be over, the second Rachel turned away from her. Andy hadn’t expected any of this, particularly for the woman to turn her back on her. But what happened next was worse. So much worse.

        Looking down at the weight in her hand, it having been shoved aggressively into her palm, Andy observed it and felt her heart suddenly stop. Her throat closed up as she stared at it, praying to God it wasn’t what she thought it was... that it wasn’t what it looked like. Fingers trembling, her dirty fingernails picked at the box slowly, opening it after a good moment of bravery. But the second her eyes landed on the ring, Andy’s face contorted into that of ultimate sadness, tears blurring her vision. 

        She had no words, not even enough air in her lungs to muster up a response. All she did was stare at the ring, the rest of the world around her melting away. The rest of her life was inside that box, and the most tragic part of the whole thing was that Andy couldn’t have it.

And here it was, the argument that maybe both of them had been waiting for. “And just why the fuck didn’t you want me anymore, Andy? Did you wake up one day and just decide that this wasn’t enough for you? That I wasn’t enough? Or was it the fact that I was still stripping to support us and you didn’t think I could get out of it?” It had been rare that Rachel ever used Andy’s full name and it was usually when they were fighting. When she started shouting at her, that caused Rachel’s anger to flare up more. But she couldn’t say anything at first, so she did the only thing that she could in that moment. Which was leaning in and kissing her hard for a moment. When she pulled away, she glanced at her. “No fuck you, Andy for making me trust you, fall in love with you and wanting you to be my wife someday. Fuck you for that.” This time there was no anger behind her words.