deeply unhappy person

May sarili akong timeline.

Hindi ako huli—nagmumuni lang.

Nagpapahinga. Nagpapanday.

Hindi mali ang mangarap.

Hindi mali ang magplano.

Hindi ako masama kung gusto kong siguraduhin ang kinabukasan.

Dahil ang puso ko, hindi lang para sa ngayon kundi para rin sa mga darating.

Hindi ko kailangang maging perpekto.

Hindi ko kailangang tapusin lahat ngayon.

May halaga pa rin ako, kahit wala pa ako ng kahit na ano.

Kapag nakakaramdam ako ng pressure,

hindi ito dahil mahina ako,

kundi dahil mahal ko ang magiging buhay ko,

at gusto kong maihanda ito ng buong buo.

Hindi ako kulang.

Hindi ako atrasado.

Habang nag-i-scroll ako sa Facebook, parang may kurot na naman.

Mga kaedaran ko? Yung iba kasal na, may anak na, o buntis na. Masaya sila. O at least, mukhang masaya. Timeline ng buhay nila, parang naka-fast forward. Ako? Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause ulit.

Ang dami kong tanong sa sarili.

Bakit sila kaya? Ako, hindi?

Stable naman trabaho ko.

May plano ako.

Nag-aaral ako.

May pangarap ako.

May savings.

May engagement ring.

Pero bakit parang may kulang?

Hindi ko maiwasang ikumpara sarili ko. Hindi ko ginusto, pero automatic na eh. Naiisip ko, iniisip din kaya nila ‘yung future? O ako lang ‘tong overthinker na halos ma-paralyze sa takot? Sa tanong kung kakayanin ko ba?

Iniisip ko, baka iba-iba lang talaga kami ng timeline.

Baka iba lang kami ng priorities.

Ako kasi, focused sa graduate school.

Sa career.

Sa bahay na gusto kong tawaging *akin*.

Sa stability.

Sa “right timing.”

Pero minsan... napapagod din akong maghintay ng “right time.”

Engaged na kami at 9 years. Isang dekada halos. Mahal ko siya. Mahal niya ako. May bahay na nga kami pero hindi pa kami nag move in together. Pero may mga araw na pareho naming ramdam na hindi pa kami handa sa susunod na hakbang. Sa pamilya. Sa anak. Sa mga “dapat.”

Pero ang hirap.

Ang hirap hindi mainggit sa mga taong parang kahit walang plano, kinakaya.

Yung iba nga, parang masaya pa sa gulo.

Ako, na may plano, bakit parang kulang?

At eto na naman ako—tanong ng tanong.

Hinahanap ang sagot sa sarili.

Hinahanap ang "bakit".

I miss the person I used to be. I miss the genuine smiles I once gave, the joy of capturing moments through pictures, and the simple happiness of expressing myself freely. Somewhere along the way, I lost that spark. I’ve become plain, stiff, and trapped in a world that feels like black and white.

Today, I’ve been thinking a lot about my scars because I will be performing tomorrow and our costume will definitely need to be exposed my legs. They’ve been hard to fade away ever since I was diagnosed with diabetes. You see, when you have diabetes wounds wont heal very fast and it'll leave you with dark scars. I remember how I used to feel confident in my skin, but now, every time I look at my legs, I’m reminded of the changes my body has gone through. I used to love wearing swimsuits, shorts, or outfits that'll make me feel beautiful. It’s like these scars hold a mirror to my insecurities, and I feel like a different person now—someone less confident, someone more hidden.

It’s frustrating because no matter how much I try to care for them or cover them up, they are still there. Most days, I don’t even want to wear anything that shows my legs, afraid of what others might think. My confidence really took a hit, and it’s hard not to let it affect me.

But there’s one thing that keeps me grounded: the love and support of the person I hold dearest in my life. He has never once looked at me differently because of these scars. Instead, he reminds me that my worth isn’t tied to how my legs look or any physical imperfections. He loves me for who I am, scars and all, and always reassure me when I feel insecure. With his constant support, I’m learning to feel confident again, even if it’s little by little.

I know I still have a long way to go, but having someone who loves me unconditionally makes the journey so much easier. I’m grateful for that kind of love—a love that sees past the surface and embraces every part of me, scars included.