no one’s gonna save you from yourself.

-

Bobby’s grin was wide and his eyes a little manic, okay he was nervous. RJ was one of the few who’d thought he was a normal guy, maybe he wouldn’t like him anymore? Maybe he didn’t like mutants at all? Or maybe his life was just too nuts and he didn’t wanna be around him anymore, Bobby could understand that. His gaze followed RJ’s down to the little kid and he grinned, waving in a friendly manner, kids were fun, he liked them and it was showing RJ didn’t really know how to handle this.

Friend. Yay! Things were salvageable! Even if he were only saying it to keep the kid calm it gave him hope. “That’s right Jimmy!” Bobby grinned, hopping close and bending his legs to be the same height as the little boy, “This bridge is gonna get you away from the nasty man in the city who we’re gonna go stop! So you gotta be a little brave and get across for us, okay? My friend ain’t gonna let anything happen to you.” he grinned at the boy, then back up at RJ. “Right?”  

RJ felt a little more in control of the situation when Bobby stepped in, glad that he, at least, seemed like he knew what to do with a little kid. Was this kid small enough to carry? RJ figured he probably could carry him, but he seemed pretty intent on walking on his own. Shit, he had been put in charge of a child for no more than half an hour and he was already questioning everything. RJ was terrified of fucking anything up; it all had to be perfect, the residual fear that HYDRA training had given him still lurking in the back of his head. 

-

Okay, it was official, he was awesome in the future! Even in his wildest dreams he never could’ve imagined he had the power to make something like this! This bridge was damn huge! And older him didn’t even seem to be breaking a sweat while he was working one up just trying to get his power snow over it all. Sure it wasn’t the most stable of things but it had more grip than pure ice and they didn’t have a lot of time to go looking for other solutions right now.  

He was redoing the powder near the front of the bridge when a voice caught his attention and he jolted around, “RJ!?” he asked, eyes going wide, “Uhh… Hi!” he waved a free hand while the other continued to spray snow, from his body, which was also made of ice. Crapbaskets. “I uhh, I guess I got some explaining to do huh?” he asked lamely, giving the kid he was with a wave too, which was promptly returned. “I’m a mutant, with the X-Men… I’m Iceman. Well, Iceman from fourteen years ago, that’s Iceman from now.” he pointed to his older self who was a dot in the distance finishing up the bridge, “That’s a long story.”  

RJ’s eyebrows shot up as Bobby spoke, still wrapping his head around the fact that the nerdy boy from the roller rink was not only an X-man, but also from a different time period altogether. He opened and closed his mouth a couple of times before he spoke. “Um. Ok,” he said, looking down at the little boy who had taken to now hugging RJ’s leg, and RJ looked back up at Bobby with a somewhat pained expression. It was clear that RJ didn’t really know what he was doing with little kids. 

RJ did better in crises than most people. His life had been one extended crisis until now (one of the many reasons why RJ was having such a hard time adjusting to his new, civilian life) and the return of chaos was comforting to him. He had been working at the roller rink when the Joker’s face was plastered across their screens, and after hurriedly closing the place down, he set about making sure his place was secure before making his way down to the community center down the block to help evacuate people. 

“Yeah,” he agreed, hating that he had to confirm it, “it was them.” Because of course it was. Bucky had learned the lesson again and again that believing HYDRA was gone or couldn’t reach something was always untrue. Even if he managed to go an entire decade without so much as a whisper of them, he wasn’t sure he could ever believe they were gone. It was always going to be a shadow that followed him, and the very same one would follow RJ, too. He wished he could tell him otherwise, but giving him any kind of room to let down his guard, let alone encouragement, would get him killed or worse. Probably worse. Given what HYDRA was capable of, death was hardly the punishment other people might see it to be.

There was some palpable relief when RJ said that he believed what Bucky was saying. It was better than the alternative. He’d been prepared to insist that he wasn’t lying, but all he had to prove that was his own word, and if that was meaningless…what then? It wasn’t a battle he’d wanted to have to fight. If all he was going to get was that quiet acceptance, he’d happily take it. 

“I’ll help,” he said without hesitation. He’d meant to, anyway, but RJ asking for it made him keenly aware of how dire the situation really was. “Where are you staying right now?” Bucky had money, he could find somewhere better, safer. His first thought was to offer him the guest bedroom at his own house, but RJ would likely be in even more danger if they were that close together. He’d make sure he was close, though. Close enough to eliminate the chance of something happening without him knowing or being able to get there. 

///

Of course it fucking was. Everything good that RJ had once had in his life—which wasn’t much, not by the time HYDRA got to him—was spoiled by those people. And maybe his father wasn’t the perfect man or the perfect dad, but he was someone to RJ, a link to nostalgia for a past that he never had in the first place, and HYDRA took that from him as well. It was enough to make RJ sick, and even right then, he felt a little nauseous thinking about it. As the waitress came by, dropping a plate of wheat toast in front of RJ, he left it untouched, feeling a bit too nauseous to even think about eating. Of course, it would probably help the upset feeling in his stomach to get some food in there along with the coffee, but RJ couldn’t even think about it with HYDRA’s manipulations in his mind. 

There was no reason that Bucky would lie to him, and RJ was grateful for that fact. He had to keep reminding himself that Bucky wasn’t like them, that he wasn’t the kind of person who would lie to RJ just to keep him close. In fact, it was probably in Bucky’s best interest to keep RJ at an arm’s length, but he wasn’t. Instead, he was choosing to help RJ, and it was difficult for RJ to fully believe that it was out of the goodness of Bucky’s heart. He was wary, but he was warming up. 

“Now I would be most awfully offended if ya happen those nasty words.” he chuckled lowly, “As it so happens my particular insight into your angsty little brain makes me think ya happen to be lashing out. Not that I blame you, I too would find myself most irritated if I had to pass the time in such a hell hole.” he gestured back to the roller rink and shook his head in displeasure.

It was almost too easy. When RJ had arrived he cared little about the boy, more concerned with the Hydra officials noticing him, validating him. But instead he developed a kind of kinship with the boy he hadn’t expected and it turned out those feelings of being needed came from a different source; one he was unwilling to part with.

He sighed, stepped closer again and pulled the boy into a hug, swaying a little from side to side, “Silly boy,” he said gruffly, “Course you don’t wanna be fighting me,” he pulled back after a moment and smiled, “You’d lose. Now c’mon, we’ll go back to your place and you can catch me up properly on what you have been doing.”    

///

“Yeah, yeah, whatever,” RJ said, the venom already starting to leave his voice. It was probably a bad idea, letting his guard down like this, but things had been so much easier when he had been with HYDRA, in no small part due to Kid. It was too easy to drop back into that familiarity, the comfortable ways in which they used to banter with each other and the ease with which they used to partner up on missions. “It fucking sucks like you wouldn’t believe. They’re constantly playing ABBA.” 

RJ had never thought that Kid was being kind to him out of the goodness of his own heart—he must have been getting something out of their friendship as well, but the feeling of brotherhood he had with the older man was enough to make RJ momentarily forget about whatever ulterior motives that Kid might have had. He just wanted that feeling back. 

He sniffed once, rubbing his nose and pretending like he didn’t when he looked back up at Kid. “Let’s go to the diner,” he said, not quite ready to let anyone into his space yet. It was a bit too close to home, a bit too much all at once. He needed his space where he could be away from the world. Including Kid. 

The various sketchbooks and easel Elysia had tucked away neatly under her arm while she clung to her bag on the other, crashed down to the sidewalk when she stopped abruptly. The sudden questioning scared her, made her jump, and caused her to drop everything she had been holding. Her hands flew up, palms open, her defensive stance already coming through a little with her halt. Blue eyes widened, but her brow furrowed down at the second question, the one she stuck to and parroted back to him, though with an increasing confusion that settled into her startled expression. “No one sent me. I’m just trying to get to the park, so I can paint.” Elysia then gestured to the various pieces scattered around her feet.

-

Now it was Linda’s turn to laugh, “Moisturiser and alcohol.” she told him. Well, and many sessions of hot yoga and dieting but she was proud of looking her best even if the years were beginning to make their weight felt. Oddly enough the strange stint back to her twenties had put her more at ease with being a little older, she was  most intelligent, successful and self-assured she’d ever been at this age, and the world was still full of possibilities. But for now, RJ was the main focus and it seemed her words had helped, he was no closer to sitting down, but his body language was more relaxed.

Linda nodded, “You are. See, any time we want to talk you can always say you don’t want to. I can’t force you, there’s no exam or test to judge how well you’re doing. It’s all on what you feel you’re able to cope with at any given moment.” she smiled, “So baring that in mind, can you tell me a little about why you’re here? It’s clearly not easy for you so that makes me think it must be very important.”  

///

“I’ll have to keep that in mind,” he replied, feeling his shoulders relax a little from where they had been bunched up by his shoulders, inching just a little closer to the door again. This time, however, he just leaned against the door frame, significantly more relaxed than he had been just a few minutes previously. He pressed his lips together, thoughts swirling around in his head as he tried to grasp onto one thing to explain that would make some sort of sense without giving away too much of himself. Frankly, he was not only worried about his own safety, with HYDRA still on his tail, but he was worried about Linda’s as well. The last thing he wanted was to put her in harm’s way. Still, he needed to talk to someone, and as much as Bucky had been a help, he wasn’t exactly the best at this sort of thing. 

RJ took a deep breath. “I was...controlled. By these bad people and they, uh...they made me do bad things. For a long time.” He swallowed thickly. “But now I’m not controlled by them anymore, and I just...” He trailed off, shrugging his shoulders in a helpless gesture. He scoffed lightly as he spoke. “I just don’t know what to do. Everything used to be so easy and now it’s all fucked up.” He paused, ducking his head. “Sorry for cursing.” 

-

“Yea! Y’know, Ezma, Kronk, Llama faaaaaaaaace!” he impersonated the film again and laughed some. “You never seen that film? Cause Dude if you haven’t you’re in for a treat! It’s got Tom Jones singing in it too, what more could you want?” He’d have to ask his older self if he had a copy hanging around, though everyone seemed to use something called Netflix at the moment, he’d never heard of it. It was hard catching up on some fourteen years of technology in a few weeks, there was a lot he was missing. Though, to be fair, a lot of people had been real nice in helping him out, including his older self who was actually pretty cool… pun intended.

“Oh Dude that sucks.” he blew out a breath through his teeth, “Well you gotta have a break soon right? Take it with me and we’ll have something to eat and chat! Help take your mind off o’work for a little bit.” He was good at cheering people up, he could even make Scott happy when he was down, “C’mon!!! It’ll be fuuuuuuuuuuuuum.” he sang.  

///

“I actually...don’t know,” he said, wincing just a little. He had already been the subject of much ridicule by his coworkers for not knowing who ABBA was when ‘Dancing Queen’ came on the mix of unbearably cheerful music that played on a loop at the roller rink. He had to come up with some sort of list to get all these pop culture references, otherwise, people were going to keep thinking he was weird and standoffish—not that he did much to help that image of himself, spending most of his time actually being weird and standoffish. “Oh, Tom Jones. My mom liked Tom Jones,” he said with a crooked smile, the memory of his mother singing ‘If I Sing You a Love Song’ in a goofy voice as she danced around the living room coming to the forefront of his mind, unwarranted. It was a memory he didn’t realize he still had. 

RJ couldn’t help the smile that lifted at the corners of his lips as the other spoke to him in a singsong. He envied that kind of joy, wanted to harness it for himself and didn’t quite know how. Maybe if he spent enough time around the people who seemed to have a grasp on it, then he would learn how to be that happy himself. Or, maybe it was all an act—if it was, he didn’t want to know. “Ok, you’ve sold me. My break’s actually about to come up.” He turned the ridiculous baseball cap covered in roller skate decals backwards on his head and took off the pin with his name on it, tucking it into his pocket. “But we’re not staying here. There’s a way better place up the street.” 

“Thank you, very much.” she smiled, “Much as I hate to admit it I am getting on a bit so it’s nice to take the weight of my feet.” Granted it probably didn’t help that she wore heels everyday but she had her standards; plus, she was tiny enough with them let alone without. “Well, that’s not the easiest question to answer because so much of it depends on you.” Linda explained, gesturing at him slightly. “Many different therapists have difference styles but the best way I’ve found to try and explain this process is to think of the two of us as being in a car together.”

She paused a moment then continued, “Imagine yourself in the drivers seat and me beside you. As we drive along I may see a certain side road and ask if you’d like to turn and go that way. You then have the choice to make that turning and see where that road leads you, or to leave it for a time and come back later.” Linda watched him carefully for his reaction, “You are always in control of where a session will go, I only suggest areas we can go to.”

///

RJ let out a small huff of laughter. “You don’t look that old.” Then again, he had never been good at guessing people’s ages—and with the world they lived in, someone could look 20 and actually be 150 years old, so it never really mattered much to RJ how someone looked. He pressed his lips together thoughtfully as he listened to Linda explain how her sessions worked. He liked the idea of being in control; he hated losing control, which was probably why he was standing next to the door, ready to bolt at any moment. If anything happened during the session that he didn’t like or didn’t feel comfortable with, he was ready to run. 

He swallowed once. “So, I’m in charge?” he asked. He shifted his weight, shoving his hands deep into his pockets. He needed to start somewhere, so he took a small step further into the room, trying his best to just get himself in the seat, but he couldn’t. He kept standing by the door, though he looked a little less like he was going to run off at any moment, at least. 

-

“I do. Maybe if ya didn’t act up so much when I caught ya out the way I do I wouldn’t find it so funny.” Of course it was difficult for people not to be unnerved by him, Kid was pretty special that way. And skilled. Skilled enough to bring RJ back into the fold and get them both out of this city before he had to act on his orders and start killing more prominent targets, this was a big pond with very big he’d prefer didn’t notice him.

“Silly boy.” he shook his head, “If I was ordered to dispatch of your fine self you’d be dead by now.” to emphasise his point (and creep RJ out again) two arms sprung up from the boy’s shoulder’s and gripped the top and bottom of head, “One lil’twist and pop goes your neck.” he chuckled, letting the arms vanish. “But I have not. And have you ever known me to deny an order?”

He tutted quietly, “Why of course. You’re like a baby brother to me, one who deserves whatever makes him happy. I just didn’t want you leaving me that way after all we’ve been through.” he put his real hand under RJ’s chin and lifted his face up a little, “Ah truly am so pleased you are unharmed RJ.”      

///

“Jesus Christ, I fucking hate you,” RJ said, flailing at the arms that gripped at his head. He hated when Kid did this kind of thing, but he didn’t actually hate Kid himself. Kid had been like an older brother to RJ when the two of them were isolated from the rest of the world, meant to be trained into ultimate assassins and agents for the shadowy organization. 

Even now, it was hard for RJ to separated out those feelings from the need to run, to escape HYDRA’s clutches as best he could. The only real family he felt he ever had was Kid—he was the only one who could truly understand RJ because he had been there through all of it. He was the only one who had ever even been there when RJ had been suffering under HYDRA’s control. He was the only one who ever told RJ he was worth a damn. 

RJ felt his jaw tremble slightly but he kept his steely expression. He needed to be strong now. “You promise you’re not here to kill me?” He narrowed his eyes at Kid. “Seriously. I don’t—I don’t want to get into this with you. I don’t want—” He huffed out a breath. “I don’t want to fight you.” 

“My friends wanted to come and it really seemed like fun. Besides I wanted to make sure this would be a good place to bring another friend of mine, haven’t seen him in a while though.” Jon wasn’t going to spit out that he would’ve liked to bring Damian here as a sort of date or anything of the sort. “Really? That would be awesome dude, and I think I’d trust you more over my friends here, they’re way too busy being on their date.” he sighed, but he guessed it was fine that he would be slightly left out since they did all just want to go on doubles, and brought him along. RJ was definitely his savior here. “I’m sure you’re the best teacher around here, luckily I’m also a terrible student though,” he grinned.

///

“Yeah, well, I think people like it here,” RJ said, gesturing vaguely around him as he spoke. He pressed his lips together for a moment, still wary of the other boy but trying his best just to keep calm and not think too hard about this one. If he was really with HYDRA—if HYDRA really wanted RJ dead—then RJ would be dead already. There were plenty of times when he could have been scooped up, but he hadn’t been, and that was enough of a relief for him that he could let his guard down for just a little while and teach someone how to roller skate, at least. “You’re putting a lot of faith in a guy you just met,” RJ said, a crooked smirk lifting at the right side of his lips. “I’m sure we can figure it out together. It’s really not that hard, I promise. You just need to be able to keep your balance.” 

\

It wouldn’t be appropriate to ask all sorts of questions about someone’s past. Gabby has some assumptions about what RJ might have been through, nothing concrete but there had to be something that he was running away from. She knew the signs after doing the very same thing in the past. She had been much younger when fleeing from Alchemax. If her friend ever wanted to talk about what happened with Hydra then there wouldn’t be any judgment. Gabby would hold his hand and let him know that she understood and would continue being there for him. Until that day? She wouldn’t pry for any information, him being here willing to laugh at her awful jokes is rewarding enough. It feels good having someone to hangout with that was her own age — a reminder that it was possible to have some normalcy too.

Hearing RJ laugh makes Gabby smile. He could be so serious sometimes so she tries to get him to loosen up a little. The two of them are opposites in some ways but it seems to work. She tries her best to make him see how fun it could be working at a roller rink which included skating with him and changing up the music when it was just the two of them in there. “Everyone should fear these tiny fists.” She playfully punches the air, laughter leaving her lips at the same time. Her hands return to holding onto the ledge they’re sitting on, swinging her feet back and forth a bit. “I know! No apology is definitely rude. It seems like someone didn’t learn any manners.” She rolls her eyes as she takes another sip of the coffee. “I guess that means we’re the only decent people around.” She comments after pulling the paper cup away from her lips and nudges RJ gently with her elbow.

///

RJ could tell that there was something in Gabby’s past that she wasn’t talking about either, and that was fine with him. The two of them could just exist in the present and not think about all the terrible things they were running from and trying to forget. That was all that RJ wanted—to live in the moment and think about the future. He wished he could just leave the past where it belonged—behind him—but he was fairly certain that HYDRA wasn’t going to let him do that. Until such a time when HYDRA disintegrated (which, RJ was certain, would be never) or RJ died, he was constantly going to have them on his tail, waiting for the right moment to drag him under their thumb again. It was a fear that he was going to have to learn to live with. 

He wrinkled his nose lightly as Gabby nudged him, shrugging once. “Yeah, I guess you could say that.” He wasn’t sure that he counted as decent after everything he had done. Trying his best, yes, but decent as of right that moment? It felt like if he was truly a good person, he wouldn’t have such a hard time trying to just be in the world. All the time, he was worried about saying the right things, doing the right things, not getting into trouble and not getting into fights. It was enough to make anyone’s head spin, let alone an 18 year old with zero coping mechanisms. 

.

Bucky was quiet until the waitress was far enough to be out of earshot again. Even if RJ wasn’t being watched at that exact moment, and he wasn’t sure what it was going to take to convince him that he wasn’t, HYDRA would want him back. They didn’t just let people go, not if they could still be of any value at all. The only way out was to die or have someone so willing to stick their neck out to help that they could be held at bay. Steve had done it for Bucky, and he…well, he would do it for RJ. Who else would, if he turned his back on it? There was no one. Bucky was the exception, he was one of the only ones to still be standing on the the other side of things, and even then…even then, they still sent people for him. They’d sent RJ.

So he was silent until they had as much privacy as the diner could afford and then ran a hand down the coarse stubble that covered his jaw. “I found out that your dad had been visited by someone when he was still in prison. I don’t think…I don’t think he understood what he was doing or who he was talking to.” He’d given him that much. It just hadn’t mattered in the end whether or not he’d been malicious or just plain ignorant. “He’s the one that put HYDRA back on your trail, RJ. It was your dad. I told him to get out of town, stay out of your life. It wasn’t my place,” except it was. It had to be somebody’s place. Again, who could do it if not him? If he’d said nothing, if he’d just stood idly by, RJ wouldn’t have even stood a chance. He couldn’t have lived with that. 

The next part didn’t come until another few beats of uncomfortable quiet. Bucky shifted on his side of the booth and finally sighed. “He came at me like he wanted to fight. I wasn’t going to. It wasn’t like it would’ve been a real fight anyway.” The Winter Soldier against some doughy criminal who ran tricks on card games…there was no chance. “I moved. I got out of his way. I don’t know what happened, RJ. I really don’t. I could do the same thing a hundred other times and it wouldn’t go down the same way, but he tripped and his head ended up against the dumpster. That was it.” He wasn’t going to get more graphic about it than that. There was no need; RJ had seen pictures. “It was just a freak accident. I never meant for him to get hurt.” 

///

RJ was on the edge of his seat. There had to be a good reason all of this happened, right? There had to be a good reason that Bucky would have betrayed his trust like this. He thought that if anything of the magnitude of his father’s death happened, Bucky would have told him outright. It wasn’t even his father’s death that had shattered the fragile trust that RJ had built up in Bucky, but the fact that he had to find out about it from someone else. It was even worse that the someone else in question was RJ’s old handler. 

Of course, RJ had handled him in the end. That hadn’t made RJ feel any better. 

He noticed Bucky watching their surroundings carefully, and RJ pursed his lips lightly. He knew that HYDRA was probably going to come after him soon enough, and he was going to have to be prepared for the day that they tried to drag him back into the fold. What was RJ willing to do for his freedom? Was he willing to die for it? It was a heavy decision to rest on an 18 year old’s shoulders. Bucky watching for someone surveilling them was enough to remind RJ of that fact, and he wanted nothing more than to bolt in that moment. Maybe it would be better if he just kept moving and pretended that he hadn’t even seen Bucky at all. 

“It was them,” RJ said, dejected. Of course HYDRA had pushed his father into his path. Of course the one living family member he had was used and abused by HYDRA, just like RJ had been, and now, RJ was all alone in the world. He put his face in his hands, rubbed them down his features and let out a heavy sigh. “I believe you.” That was all he could offer in the moment, the only thing that was remotely comforting. He felt tears start to burn in his eyes. He didn’t even know his father. This was stupid.