HOW TO (NOT) START A BOOK
Listen... this shouldn't be hard, people. But, starting a book really is one of THE hardest things to do.
The thought is daunting, the process overwhelming. The whole thing is enough to make giving up seem like the easiest route.
But, did Frodo give up on his journey to take the One Ring back to Mordor?
NO. BECAUSE HE HAD A SAMWISE GAMGEE. LET ME BE YOUR SAMWISE GAMGEE.
So, I figured it'd be easier to start with the naughty no-nos. One, because it's funny (and I think I'm pretty funny). Two, because you need to know what's incorrect before you can value what IS correct. Let's get started.
Warning: this is gonna be a rant. You've been warned.
Stare at your blank page and freak out
We've all been here. Anxiety creeps in and your Imposter Syndrome whispers in that creepy voice, "Yoooouu suuuckk baaallllsss." Tell that mother fucker IT SUCKS BALLS.
Don't freak out. Don't show weakness. Show that fucking blank page or word document who the hell is in charge around here. Write, damn it!
Who cares if it sucks? It's your first draft. IT'S GOING TO SUCK.
Get stuck world building for four years and have yet to write a single sentence
I get it. I'm guilty of this, too. You have this SUUUPERR AWESOME UNIQUE world in your head that demands you put all of your creative effort in to and by Gandalf's Beard, YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN TO BRING IT TO LIIIFFEEE.
Reality Check: it shouldn't take you more than a few months to get everything down. Everything important, anyways. Unless you work a full time job, go to school or parent tiny demons from hell, world building shouldn't take you YEARS going on a DECADE.
Neither should writing books. I'm looking at you, Georgie Boy. #iykyk
Convince yourself that you haven't bought the right pen, notebook or found the right writing software to express yourself with
My secret shame. Oh, the shame. My super secret shame? I still convince myself of this.
The only way to get around this is to just fucking do it and make do with what you got. It won't please your brain. It'll be angry, wrathful even, and badger you relentlessly like a Nazgul. But, you have to trick it in order to get to Bree-- I MEAN, in order to start your story.
*GASP* BUT, WHAT WILL MY FAMILY AND FRIENDS THINK OF ME IF I WRITE THIS?!
Listen, listen, listen... literally... this is what pen names (or Nom de Plumes, for you fancy writers) are for. You don't have to think of one right this moment. But, pressure off, guys. C'mon.
Also, as much as we would like our loved ones' support, they don't always "get" it, and think this is a hobby or passing fancy and not take it as seriously as you do.
What you should do is surround yourself with like-minded people or people who support you even if they don't "get" being a writer. It's those people who's unconditional love will get you through the hardest of times.
And my favorite: You will never be able to write like [insert revered author of all time here]
Shaddup. Just... shaddup. You will NEVER write like the authors you admire. That's. The. Fucking. Point.
YOU are YOU. Your responsibility as an artist is to breathe new life into old hats. Or some obscure inspirational bullshit like that. Readers will love what you write because it's uniquely YOU. Readers appreciate fresh, new takes on the same old tropes.
And if you're trying to emulate a classic author like Ol' JRR, you can't. We may still enjoy his stories today, but he wrote in a different time with different genre expectations (as in... he literally pioneered the genre... like... it's kind of hard to do in today's world. Not impossible, mind you. Just really freaking hard).
And that's it. My list on how to not start a book. Sorry, this one was a little aggressive, but... ya'll need to get aggressive. Writers can be a sensitive bunch that often need a good kick in the behind to get past those nasty blocks.
What are your resons for not starting a book? What have I missed? What are some of the ways you've gotten past the first sentence? Let me know!
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