Queen Of Love

I think it’s embarassing for me to miss you because it means I was attached to you and you weren’t as attached to me. I know I was one of your closest friends but you just don’t attach like that in general, and then I was in LOVE with you, and you were CONSIDERING me. So, that’s an imbalancé there.

So, I can conclude pretty reasonably that you don’t miss me or feel guilty or analyse things like I do. Never have and never will. You care about me, I know and understand that, and never truly meant me any harm and might even pray for me still. But you don’t pray /about/ me because you likely don’t have any unresolved emotions.

You wouldn’t approve of me now if you knew me. I don’t approve of you exactly but it’s different because I’m the one who’s changed. You’re the one who would be saying « tsk tsk, look how she’s fallen » and I wouldn’t face anything unexpected at all because it’s unlikely you’ve changed your core beliefs or identity. You would be disappointed with me, and it wouldn’t make me feel shame directly because I’m very proud of myself, but it would make me feel shame indirectly because well, you matter to me. Still. The same way. Not as much. But the same flavour. I’ve just grown around you. But you… didn’t have a « me » inside you to grow around that way.

It’s very tragic, unrequited love. Even more tragic, unrequited first love AND a near miss followed by one passionate night and an extreme heartbreak.

How could you do that to me? But more over, how could I LET you, and then not get over it? In order to admit I miss you I have to remember how much I wanted you, and how I failed at winning you over. I failed. I wanted ONE thing, and I failed miserably.

Well. I mean. You did kiss me and say you loved me. But it was never mutual, and we both knew it.

An offering to aphrodite

A love letter to my ex that he’ll never read

-

If I were to divorce

And you were to divorce

We could maybe be together

If you de converted from Christianity

Or if i reconverted

Or maybe we could just have sex,

And you could regret it

And I could regret letting you do something you’d regret

Maybe we could comfort each other in our woes

But most likely, we would do none of those things.

We might get coffee. That would be nice.

I would like it anyway. I worry you might consider it a chore.

Im not writing this because I’m unhappy in my marriage or actually want to have sex with you still

I mean

I do wish we had had sex

But I don’t wish I had married you instead

Im writing this because I want to make something beautiful for aphrodite, and my drive is still oriented to you for some reason

Not my sexual drive, but like, my Longing TM drive.

Sexually though. Because it’s for aphrodite. Maybe I can write about what I would have wanted to do with you Fi we did have a regular sexual relationship.

Maybe

Oh god

You smelled so good. So so so so good. Your sweat smelled like pine. And you were SO soft and gentle. Thinking about it makes me want to go back to that night. You were GOOD. You have sexual TALENT, Sam. I’ve had like, some, partners, and you’re GOOD. And you only had one partner before then and it had been 7 years for you. And it felt natural anyway, like you weren’t skillful by intent, you were just enjoying me enjoying you enjoying me. You were beautiful. Your lips were so soft. And god. Your demeanour. I was SO attracted to you. I’m sure I still would be attracted to you if I met with you again. You’re SO BEAUTIFUL oh my goooooooooooooddddss

Anthony reminded me of you a lot, and I was less repressed about my desires for him. But I don’t think he would have been as good in person. He didn’t like the drama as much. He wouldn’t have felt as, bittersweet. He just would have felt sweet.

What does Ryan feel like, you ask? Sweet. Bitter. Not bittersweet. He just feels like himself. There’s not a lot of tension. There never was. He doesn’t understand what I’m talking about when I try to explain that. It doesn’t mean I love him less, in fact I actually love and respect him more.

You were kind of a dingus. Even when I knew you, I knew that. It’s not just in retrospect. I just WANTED you so much I made it work.

Ryan… works. Really well. I shouldn’t have issues. But there’s nothing to MAKE work, there are no tragic barriers to our love, other than my grief at there being no tension… which ends up being the biggest barrier of all. Well, that an communication issues. You at least… liked explaining how you thought you made sense lol. Ryan doesn’t like « discussion » like that. I mean, I don’t know for sure you liked discussion as much as I did. But you engaged with me. In a really stimulating and emotionally gratifying way.

Ryan prefers not drama. Not talking about Topics unless we need to. But he’s Very concerned about the material world and future. I find it boring. But I know I need it. It’s vital for survival. But it doesn’t feel vital to me to survive because of Christianity and my / your version of it. You just had sooooo much faith in god

Or thought you should. So you didn’t voice material concerns, rather you were concerned about /what you should be concerned about/. You were philosophical. It was delightful. I hope you’re still like that. I hope you’re still you, that marriage hasn’t killed you.

I want to know what your wife is like, just out of genuine curiosity. I want to know what kind of marriage you /would/ have. Just because you’re interesting.

Ryan is interesting too, as a subject. But he’s not interesting to talk to because he doesn’t like explaining himself. There’s not enough of a wall when I engage with him for me to feel safe being fascinated by him. It feels too clinical for me to observe him like that. It’s not as fun. You liked being observed the way I liked being observed, ryan doesn’t. And he won’t observe me either because he feels critical when he does.

I suppose I am a little unhappy. But it’s not because I miss you, rather I miss you as. Symptom of the unhappiness I suppose. And the unhappiness might et be Ryan’s fault either. I mean, my happiness is my own responsibility. I was talking with aphrodite about this just a few posts ago. I need a purpose, and the last really clear purpose I had other than getting married to ryan, was just, being with and talking with you as much as I could. I’m starting to get a bit of that with ryan I think

Oh, and I had it with Jesus obviously. But that was pathological. I was nuts. And it was pathological with you too, that’s why it ended I think. But. You’re at least. Someone I can hug

GOD you had a nice body. Just the way you WERE. The skin texture you had. Everything about you. I çant even fucking pin it down. That night was just EUPHORIC I will literally remmeber it forever.

And like, I had some nice times with Denis too, but they don’t haunt me, I just think of them when I need to get off sometimes. I never (ever) think of you like that. It feels unholy. I wasn’t full of lust when we were together, I was full of joy tbh. And grief. GOD I miss you so much. I think we could have become lustful eventually, we could have had fun. That night wasn’t fun for me, it was very very very serious business. I kissed you in rhythms I would later sob about you with

I can phantom smell you right now somehow

Just because you liked a word when you were young and notice it every time someone uses it so it seems like people use it a lot, doesn’t mean it’s cliche.

I am not your content machine. I am a human being. My Tumblr posts don’t have to cater to your sensibilities.

Oh, superego, how cruel you can be.

Aphrodite is the bridge between id and ego, she is integrating your desires into your consciousness for those with overactive superego.

I want to be the rose she caresses and plucks. I want to be desired, and consumed, by desire itself. Take me whole. Digest me, contemplate me, and tell me who I am to you, oh queen of desire. What do I satisfy? What do I leave wanting? How close do you want to be with me? Do you want to be consumed by me? I want to want you

I want to need you

I want to abandon myself for you, and I want it to be an acceptable offering

Burden me with glorious purpose

Let cupids arrow pierce me for someone JUST out of reach, and let me dizzy myself chasing them in circles. Give me a love that is never satisfied. Give me a desire for my husband. Give me means to hook him, to invite him into a dance with me, where we circle intimacy but never quite reach it. Let us fall in love