Analternativeperspective

I got my heart broken. Again. And my headmates are a mixture of mad and sad. So am I. I’m mad at myself mostly. I am DELUSIONAL when it comes to love. I fall in love SO quick and then it goes wrong or I’m trapped in a toxic relationship or I just get my heart broken, like what happened this week.

I have an incredible fear of abandonment. I get it from my mom, I think. And from my life in general. I know at least 20% of it’s just me. But this just made me freak out in a way I hadn’t before in a long time. This woman saved my life, I wouldn’t be alive without her. And then she just breaks my heart. Over fucking text. I mean, at least call me. Tip to my future partners who happen to come across this, if you wanna end things with me at least do it in person or through FaceTime or even a fucking phone call. Anything but text.

But yeah, I freaked out. I remember going from cry-singing whatever was playing on my computer, laying under the covers in bed, to chain smoking and having a continuous panic attack in my bathroom that my headmates tried to protect me from by blocking out some of it. I just know I had more than half a pack before she texted me and then I was down to like four.

And then my Guardian Angel showed up. I had texted her what was going on in the middle of all this and she was at my house within 10 minutes. I don’t know what would have happened if she hadn’t shown up. I really don’t. Mind you, it was getting late, her boyfriend was already asleep and she just woke him up to tell him she had to go and she was at my house like that. Who else would do that in the middle of all this shit that’s going on in the world? I know she loves me, because nobody else would waste the gas at a time like this. We’ve been best friends for years, we’ve had our ups and downs but we always come back to each other. We haven’t had a real huge argument in a couple years. That says something.

I still love the girl that broke my heart. Like I said, the woman saved my life. I’m kind of entitled to. And we’ve been so close for years, just about as long as me and my Guardian Angel have been. It just hurts. So I’m giving her the silent treatment until I get over it. Am I a bitch, or do I have the right to do that?

Will describe it as best I can in the next post.

Common:

Spiders

Husky-unnamed, possible alter.

Knocking on my door/windows when there’s nobody really knocking.

Voices: I’m starting to learn to tell the difference between auditory hallucinations and the alters, I get them mixed up sometimes. I think the AH are impersonating my alters, or it could be the other way around and the alters are messing with me.

Lofi music when there’s no actual music playing outside of my mind

Feelings of someone breathing on my neck when there’s no one there.

Feelings of bugs crawling on me.

Whispers that aren’t Luna

Shadow people

Major

Mirrors: when I look in the mirror it’ll warp like a fun house mirror, twisting my face around. Sometimes instead of seeing me in the mirror I’ll see one of the alters or an unrecognizable face.

Inanimate objects talking to me

And a major murder hallucination episode I’ll go into in a later post.

I actually got a decent sleep last night, I slept from 10:30 to 5ish am. This is a first for me in a long time, and it effected my mood this morning majorly. I was all smiles and chatty with my parents, and I was good until I realized my mom was going to work today. One, she isn’t completely over her mania, and she has access to things she could hurt herself with. I hope to god she doesn’t. I can’t handle putting my mom in 3C(our mental ward here in minot) again, it’s been two weeks since the last time she was there, and she was diagnosed with a new disorder on top of her Bipolar and PTSD, Borderline personality disorder (BPD) and the second major thing is her health has me really anxious. She has COPD, an extreme breathing disorder. I’m surprised I don’t at least have asthma with how much I smoke, but I’m really worried about her being in contact with the public during this time, she’s at risk for getting COVID-19, and so is my best friend but to a lower extent. Of course we took precautions, she’s wearing a face mask and gloves while she works. But I just can’t help the paranoia. Is anyone in a similar situation?

I’m kind of upset because I hate it when my mood just changes without warning, it’s honestly exhausting.

My alters are Sunny(protector) Ruby (Factive) Rue(child) Luna (selectively mute protector) Alexandra(protector?) and Vanessa (unknown). Some alters won’t know their role in the system, or think their one role and turn out to be another. It happens to me, I’ve heard of it happening with other systems. This is kind of new to me(kind of, I’ve always had voices in my head that seemed to have their own personalities) but I have struggled with amnesia all my life. But now that I’m actually realizing what it is and have been talking to people going through the same things I am(a little, I wish we had talked more) I’ve been coming to terms and my alters have been revealing bits from my past in bits, and they do it in a way that’s almost like a flashback except I have no memory of the images in my head I’m seeing through my eyes. I’ve started my research at the beginning of the year, and I just recently decided fuck Facebook, let’s turn to other social communities for support. Anyway that was my introduction rant. Tell me what you think I should do, give me opinions, ask me questions, I wanna hear it all!