Destination: Nowhere

So I been spending the past two nights here in the hotel. As the snow storm came through Atlanta over the weekend, our current temp manager provided me and my front desk coworkers a free room for the convenience. We would go to the front desk to work our shifts whenever the time came.

As of today, I will be heading back home once I get off tonight. But…. I really don’t want to leave lol.

Closed out 2021 feeling thankful that I took a chance to get my feet wet. I did things throughout the year that really pushed me out of my comfort zone. I had a great time while doing so. Most importantly these new experiences increased the ability to know myself more.

Even though it wasn’t a whole lot… it still was enough to make me feel proud of myself. I’m thankful to the awesome ppl in my life who gave me the push to do so.

I’m closing this year quoting B as he always tell me… “Live in the uncomfortable”

Now here’s to 2022… new levels, new growth, new adventures, and MORE LIFE!!!!

And I’m just like…

Where was all this attention earlier this year when I was really really struggling to even get a like?? I guess I’m officially “hot” status now. 😂 But, I’m embracing all of it.

Looks like I will be purchasing another short gold or premium subscription to see who all the new potential connects are.

Woke up genuinely feeling good this morning. It's rare when that happens. Plus that Equate Nyquil I took last night did justice.

Still thinking about what B told me yesterday about BR. The hard truth is that BR's only purpose is to get more money out of me. At the same time, I feel conflicted as I ask myself... could B be wrong?? What if BR could already be starting to feel for me in some way but I just don't know it yet?? And if I do continue with moving on from him, could I be missing out on something? I was just having these thoughts as if something "special" outside of the massages could grow between us.

His tactics during Monday's Nuru massage session when I went back to see him just spoked "I really missed you". No lie, I really missed him too. I noticed through his tactics the "daddy mode" came out of him... it was like him saying "you mine". Even down to the happy ending he gave. This particular handjob felt like he was trying to make a statement like his life depended on it. In a way I enjoyed it. But for some reason..... I didn't feel much of a thrill in the end. My mood just felt different. It was like I was coming into senses of what I really want which is something more than just sex or a sensual experience. I want a man to enjoy all of me. Not just my body... but more importantly my mind. It's always been about the connection for me. To be able to create and expand a connection with a man who can genuinely value and appreciate me the same way as I want to with him is what I want. Not basing things off of money or a service.

Now I realize.... I was actually being "pimped" out. BR acted in the way that he did just because he knows that it will make me want to come back. And it would be just more money for him. Lesson learned. It all makes sense now. At least B was able to get me to stop myself before it got out of hand. However, I allowed myself to get a taste of what I want. I finally took the leap and I'm proud of myself for it. I actually love the feeling of a man exploring my body. For BR though.... it's been real. As much as I enjoyed this experience for this short time with him, it's best that I move on.

Well.... to sum it up, after seeing the original guy today, I'm just going to say that he got me ALL the way together.

I was nervous no lie upon meeting him. His great personality shined the moment he opened the door and it made me at ease. I felt the same connection I felt texting him leading up to today. I also liked seeing how natural he was. I thought that his laugh was cute.. lol.

He was so attractive to look at. And of course his body was on point....

I got a Nuru massage from him which was body to body. It lasted for 15 mins. I'm not going to go into explicit details lol.... I will say that he gave a one of a kind pleasurable experience. It was the BOMB.

I do feel guilty for not seeing him as planned yesterday. But from what I learned, great anticipation can lead to great results. In a way, I feel like it was meant for everything to happen the way it did.

That's all I'm going to say for now.

Today. I experienced my very first sexual thing with a guy. It wasn't no intercourse involved really... But more like an erotic massage. It's something that I have been curious about for a while. I was inspired by B when he told me to "live my life". And considering how this now past summer was a summer of experiences for me, I decided to keep the tradition going. Plus like they always say, you only got one life to live. Year 30 is approaching also so I'm going to do as much as I can before it gets there.

Long story short, I thought that this first experience was very mediocre. I went to meet this guy I found on RentMasseur at his high-rise apartment. And not to mention, he wasn't the guy that I was originally supposed to meet today. But somehow, he sent me a text 30 mins till 2 as I was going to meet the original guy I already set things up with. To sum it up, I fell for the weak bait instead of the prize. BIG MISTAKE. I made a lie to the original guy stating that I had to go in to work today (when really I was off). I changed the direction of my Uber to see the "bait" guy instead. I figured since he reached out to me, him charging $160 for a 60 min erotic massage it would be worth it. I was dead wrong. Walked away afterwards not really feeling fulfilled from it.

From the moment he opened the door and when he saw me.... he had this look on his face as if I wasn't what he was expecting. As if, I just didn't have the face and appearance that he was looking for. I was surprised that it lasted. But it felt like he only dealt with me only because he was getting paid. At the end, I felt this energy from him like he was saying "ok I'm done. Now it's time for you to go". He was quick to open the door after I got dressed and paid him. I am surprised that he offered me a cup of water and gave a quick hug while telling me to be safe on the way out.