Analog Mind

It was a Thursday at about 3:30 p.m. It remains a fight against pessimism, against the voices in your head that tell me: She's probably just waiting for her boyfriend. It will soon be too late. The uncertainty in which you hesitate and reach for the cell phone to distract yourself and then the moment is already over. I wish I always had the energy to be fully there, fully in the moment and to say what I want, to do what I want. But these pessimistic voices block me and don't let me be who I want to be. And then again you don't see the missed chances as a gift and only regret. You can just be grateful for one of the most beautiful things that can happen to you. A beautiful woman smiles at you just like that on the street. Again by an absolutely spontaneous constellation of many coincidences, somehow they always have the nose for these moments where you least expect it. The sequence of coincidences even gave you a little extra time to think and act, but then you twitch your phone out of uncertainty and that was it. Game Over. Yes, think of it as a game, don't let these crappy distractions sabotage your life. It was actually a nice day with a friend, nice conversations, nice coffee, nice small talk with the service girl but you remember again only the bad, the missed chance. Just talk, talk about everything and above all talk! This can help you to get these things out of your mind. You can go back to this cafe at every thursday about 3:30 p.m but you will never know if this girl will stand again at these corner and sure she would never smile at you again. You have to act now, but the Chance that you get the same Chance again is so low, don’t waste your time. Don’t live in the past, don’t go backwards, what always remains is the location, the memory and maybe the photograph or the miss chanced of a photograph and your dream girl. Good things happen to you that would never happen to some, but if you never make something out of it, maybe it was the last time. Just see it in the right perspective, but is there always a right perspective?

As you go, you come back. Stumbling into my life, stumbling out again. You change and disappear. Unfortunately, the film was not exposed. I'm sure they were beautiful pictures, but somehow they weren't real. Somehow you are not really real. I feel that you are hiding something, repressing the bad things. I can't photograph that. Even if i know that hide myself behind the cam. I'm looking for the real thing. I was able to save the unexposed film. The tab was pulled out again. I got another chance to expose that film again. With a bit more authenticity perhaps. Subjective authenticity from my perspective in black and white with my feeling. Ok, authenticity seems to be the wrong word here :).

Something was wrong. I sensed that you weren't yourself, that you couldn't relax. Then I can't take pictures, you noticed that. Sorry. You can't always be in the mood either. I don't really want to say, do this, or do that. I just want you to trust me and give me something from you. Well, what does "just" mean here? That is already quite a lot...

Yes, maybe I'm not made for a family, with my hypersensitive nature, my tendencies, my moods, and my calm, which I guess I need. I was in a really bad place. My mother knew it. She said at dinner in the restaurant. "Normal men have children at that age". Don't you feel me anymore ? Don't you feel that I am just lost in the maze of this city, completely lost and I can't anymore. I am just as far away from starting a family as the Ruhr area is from having no more construction sites. Maybe I'll just go straight ahead and hide in a garbage can forever. That's where most people belong anyway, this whole insensitive, urban, self-centered bunch.

Probably the biggest lesson this year: the topic of decisions and the solution tendencies. Tendency A, or tendency B. This speaks for it, that speaks again for it, but which has more weight ? I still can't decide well. Some decisions are so complicated. It grinds my head, paralyzes me, and I don't get anywhere. What I have understood: It can sometimes know only one tendency. Accept it that there can be no perfect decision, you can never know. Sometimes there can only be one tendency. Be grateful that you have a choice, because they both seem to be paths that carry a chance of a good outcome. Be grateful and stand fully by your choices. What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger. So tendencies have something good, even though the word used to make me think of another tendency in me that I also have to learn to live with. Like with my decisions. Right, or wrong. Giving up is not an option.  Let yourself drift in the tendencies, feel the freedom, like that woman drifting in the sea.- There are still those priceless moments, there are ! This one tendency is also a part of you that you have to accept. Not everyone has it. Maybe it has something good and makes you the sum of the parts that make you. Who knows? The tendency to give up.  Looking out the window, just a few steps away from giving up, or watching the perfect moment and maybe getting the idea that you don't just need to photograph it. But maybe that is enough ? Become one with the world and forget those worries sometimes. The sea and other adventures are waiting for you.

My old home. I pondered so much whether to move out. Why was I so attached to it. From memories ? Comfort ? The location ? The price. I was dissatisfied. And now I know it was one of the best decisions I could have made to move. I have so blatantly, theKopf broken, almost cried after the very disappointing rejections. But in the end, somehow it works out. Look at this photo, all the posters. This is where I really grew up, outgrew the apartment but got stuck myself, no change. You have to feel early enough when it's time for change. Change is the only constant in life and when it stops, you stop living.

Schwimmen,Tischtennis, besonders, Basketball, schöne Zeiten, vermisse dich, schön, dass du da warst, essen gehen, chinesich, Stausee mit dem Bulli, Lebenskünstler, viele Bekannte, sich Zeit nehmen, geordnetes Chaos, Shopping Car, Geduld, gemeinsam Gitarre spielen, Bass, wissen über Musik, Toleranz, Musikindianer, stolz, offenheit, ehrlichkeit, dankbarkeit, was wirklich wichtig ist, kein konsum, verzicht, geld ist nicht wichtig, stur, ernst, kunst ist wichtig, gespräche über Musik, lebensfreude, konzerte, woodstock, viel erlebt, prince cd

Here they sat on the edge, below them the rocks, behind them this scenery, in front of them the sea and sunbathed. Me from a distance alone on vacation, 36 years old and still in a phase of discovery and life crisis. 6 young people in Rijeka. 3 women, 3 men. Teenagers, on the way to adulthood. They were 3 couples, but in my imagination everyone with everyone, smooching around, the women made themselves free on top and they were beautiful. I the voyeur from a distance, it was hard for me to look away. It was not only the incredibly beautiful breasts that manage to steal our minds and dictate our lifes, it was the lightheartedness, the attitude towards life, a scene that no lifestyle photographer could capture better. One of the guys, with long shaggy hair, sat there on the edge. To the left and right, the girls were making themselves free and he didn't seem to care at all, just looking out to sea. No question, also a beautiful sight. I never really had such a time, such a lightheartedness. Too shy, too different. or just unlucky. Yes, I envied them andswas very. Yes and I felt a bit like an old bag. Yes, and I would have gone there and tried to be part of them, to be cool, to catch up. They would have just looked at me questioningly, thought I was a freak and later laughed at me. I can't make up for those times. I never had such a picture book youth. More of an outsider and a rebel, I didn't want to be a part of it. But it wasn't the worst either. You might think you did everything wrong and chase the past and cry, like that shadow in the picture that only really exists visually. It's a delusion, a fallacy that I could ever have had a life like that. Because I am, I am and that has to be enough and I can only go my way and be me as long as I can.

I jumped off this oil-tank-looking thing and felt really cool. I said to myself: Now you're making a new start. Live your life in the moment, be brave and everything will change. I quickly realized over the next few days that I was still out of sorts, missing opportunities and not daring to do things. It was still refreshing.

#rijeka #up #down #stairs #croatia #sea #urban #ocean #landscape #cityscape #metaphor #raincloud #lost #vacation #mad #relaxed #strange #moment #unexpected #novel #rijekagirl #whereareyou? #sense #challange #badmood #glance #exchange #flirt #impulse #doubts #coincidence #grateful #gate #somethinggood

You can't show too much weakness. I am not well. It should not be much more. Otherwise, a man is actually sorted out. Also in the family. They are often not well either. A man should use this moment and act. Sensitivity is only desired up to a certain degree. Otherwise, you will no longer be taken seriously as a protector.

I sat in front of you and tried to concentrate, with the worst boner I've probably ever had. I have to learn to translate my feelings, but at the same time keep them in check. I guess that's manly. It's expected. You felt that too, and you hoped that I would act, then anything could have happened. A man has to act, otherwise he has lost. At least, you have to try to translate your thoughts into words. I also think it's manly to show weaknesses. But it feels very strange, because I think that it may be well-received in the first moment, but then you end up being labeled as a weakling. As one who only wants relationships. The stereotypes, stigmas and pigeonholes are deeply embedded.  Every time I think, this was the last time. I go home with even more self-hatred, for what I am, feel and don't manage to express. First it was good to see you, then it was just horror. I'm scared, and I'm already scared of losing the next time. To miss the moment again, not to be there enough and then the moment comes where the looseness goes down the drain, and you put pressure on yourself and are no longer yourself, or the negative thoughts catch up with you again. But I can't feel sorry for myself, or be weak, or it will catch up with you again. . That is the vicious circle. For you, it is then only "what an idiot", then I take someone else. But that magic was there in the Moment. Either the feeling that this magic and opportunity will never come again, because you no longer feel like it. Thinking: what a "looser". You can’t allow a unsecure Person have time to think, but if you are unsecure on your own, that’s a big Problem.

If you are shy, you need to try! And try................................and try..............................and try.......................and try................and try...........and try.........and try......and try....and try.. and cry. and try. and try. and cry. and try and cry. and try, retry and try. and cry. and die.

Waking up in the Night for 2 Hours of full Self hate. Am I wrong, or is the World wrong? Or am i just on the wrong way ? Maybe It's just too much, too much analog, too much digital, and it came totally out of balance. A overdose of Problems and to-do's.  I am still learning, or am I just losing my mind completely ?

I can't make you the queen you want to be when you look away.

Yes, I finally managed to tell them a little bit more about myself. That, I was born in Miami. You also finally opened up more, I had felt today for the first time that you wanted to help me and be nice, a step more towards me. I think your insecurity is the problem because you always wait too long and eventually let yourself go and forget what kind of situation you are in. You get too cool, it's just embarrassing and mean. Why didn't you take a picture? Why didn't you show your photos and talk about your photos with more enthusiasm? I still need to learn how to act on a date and that if she's freezing, you're a gentleman and you damn well give her your sweater. You seem to be desperate from all your Tinder and Elite Partner dating. What did you mean by "you don't waste time" ? I need you to tell me something, "You've been alone so long that you've gotten used to it". "You want to try it?" She was still unsure. She wanted this conversation. She wanted to have it, over a glass of wine. Or ?

Bittersweet memories of this spontaneous meeting, as always. I think it was now the fifth time ? 1 Art Academy. 2 NRW Forum. 3. Mönchen Gladbach 4. art academy 5. salon des amateurs. Already at the second meeting you took my hand. I am still not ready to understand and act. That's the sad thing. The sweet thing this time was the time with you. The frequent changing of places, the getting closer. Why do I still let a simple word make me feel insecure?   I saw it when I said goodbye to you during the hug. It looked like you were slumped in your seat with disappointment. You wanted to go on about your job as a hostess. Shortly after, I asked the homeless man sitting on the curb if everything was okay. But I was actually him. It must go on. Who is here, the one who suffers more ? Me or him ? Thank you for this evening, this lesson, this opportunity. But not having tried something can hurt more than not getting into the situation in the first place when you keep screwing up. You liked the cherries. It's the little gestures and surprises. When are you going to stop whining and live your life. Because life will always be like this, "bittersweet" but in the end we both like cherries.