Hi. Iāve been in recovery for about two months now. I look at old body checks and I still miss it. But when I compare them to pictures of me now, I see how much more beautiful I look now. I still like the bones and the sick look, I still romanticize it, I still crave it. But I understand what comes with it. And what comes with weight gain. I havenāt weighed myself in these two months and I wonāt do it either. I workout several times a week, my booty has grown back, I can see my bicep and muscles in my legs that Iāve never seen before. I feel confident in the gym and I feel strong. I wake up without fear for screwing up, I go to sleep without wanting to die. I can enjoy foods I like, even though I still feel bad about them. I still hear Ana sometimes, some days all the time, but I donāt want to. I feel sorry for her, that scared little me in my head. When I look at myself in the mirror I feel proud. I look healthier and happier, and I feel like it too. I am healthier and happier. I have energy to do things I like, I have energy to put into my relationships and the people around me. I have become a better person, I love living and being able to see my loved ones everyday is way better than isolating myself, and for what? To look a certain way when literally no one gives a shit. Everyone is so obsessed with themselves no one even cares how I look. I try to walk with my back straight and head held high, I try to be kind in every situation. I donāt want to be a victim, bitter about everything thatās happened to me. I want to live, I want to love, I want to experience life. I feel thankful now, for the smallest things. Like the sun, or the moon, listening to jazz in the mornings and going on walks in the rain. I donāt go to sleep with a aching belly and nausea anymore. I fall asleep satisfied, longing for the next day and what it will bring, and thinking about the little experiences Iāve had during the day. I donāt lie in bed worried about eating the next day, or what Iāve been eating during the day. People donāt look at me in pity anymore, people approach me and talk to me, because I look kind, instead of looking sad and exhausted and sick. I wish I could show you what lies ahead with recovery. I wish I could put a little chip in your brain, that shows you a perfect day without guilt or fear. I wish I could show you itās worth it. I know itās hard, I know exactly how hard. Iām lucky, that I got out of it. At least for now. Some days I think about going back, but then I remember how I felt. How I wanted to hurt myself, how much everything hurt, how much I hated myself. I donāt anymore. I see a beautiful young girl, thriving. Iām deserving of love and life. Iām deserving of happiness and health.
