A Day in an Ineffable Life

The Man Tree

I want to be stubborn. He’ll tell me to do something – apologize, call him Daddy, stand in the corner – and I won’t. I’ll say “no” and double down in my refusal by crossing my arms and looking away.

He’ll grab me by wrist, yank me over his knee, and spank me hard. The kind of spanking that doesn’t give me a chance to catch my breath.

I’ll whine and argue in response to his scolding but I won’t give in. Not until he makes me – really makes me – because he’s outlasted my pride and I can’t take anymore. Not because I’m worried about not being fun, my skin breaking, being played out too early, or some other practical consideration.

I have spent the last ten years pretty actively working on recovering from the insane body-hate that our society fosters in so many women. My body is changing right now and it’s bringing some things to the surface as changes do. My mind is surfacing criticisms without my consent.

 I would like to offer the tape recording in my mind of things people have said to me about my body that my mind likes to play when spiraling in a dark place, mostly to get them out of my own head and validate the ABSURDITY of a world that feels so entitled to opinions about my body: 

 "You’re only fat because your short" - nameless jerk, high school 

 "You lost weight! You look great" - my mother, countless times 

 "Maybe you should stick to yogurt and cigarettes" - fellow dance major, college  

“You could try focusing on portion control” - college roommate 

 "Oh now you get hot, after we break up" ex-boyfriend in college after I dropped weight 

 "You got a little roly poly, honestly" - friend in college “You might not have the right body type to be a professional actress” - my father, when I wanted to switch to an acting program 

 "High waisted pants are for people that are… More slender" - friend, high school 

 "Why is your stomach bumpy? It’s gross" - friend, middle school 

 "Ew your armpits squish out of your bra" - same friend, middle school 

“Everyone calls you the chubby Tara Reid, or jiggly puff.” Colombian exchange student, study abroad 

 "You’ve been hitting cupcakes pretty hard" - coworker, last fucking week. 

“You’ll probably need to lose 15-20 lbs before you get cast in anything” producer, NYC 

 "People would love you more if you were thin" myself to myself for more years than I care to admit. 

 …. 

 Mary Lambert has a quote in her song Body love that says “I only know how to exist when I am wanted.” And when I heard it the first time i was driving and I cried so hard I had to pull over. 

 ….