Earlier this week, on the 7th of June to be exact, I received a message from the department I work in to inform me that I will start working in the COVID19 unit starting the next day, June 8th.
I was shocked, shocked is an understatement. I’m the most junior resident in my department. I have 10 months experience in ER. I am not allowed to see extremely sick patient or suspected COVID pt in my department. Why have they chosen to take me?!
The news hit me hard, I stayed in bed all day. I couldn’t process why me? My anxiety attack became a full blown panic attack. What if I got my family sick. What if I bring the disease home. I wasn’t concerned about my own health, I wasn’t even scared about getting sick myself. But my grandparents, my mother, my sister, my family... I hope I never see the day that I become the reason why they are sick. I hope I never see the day that they get sick.
I cried, let’s be honest, I cried a lot. Trying to calm myself only brought more anxiety attacks
Morning comes, my orientation day, and they tell me I have to change!! Excuse me, what? I do so anyways and prepare for the “orientation”. After the meeting they tell me to start putting the full PPE (my first time EVER to do so). It took about half an hour to get ready. I was out of breath, I immediately got dizzy and had a headache. Let me tell you, CO2 retention is no joke. And the sweat didn’t help.
I walk into the COVID unit and it’s an out of this world experience. It truly felt like a scene from a movie or nightmare. How is this 2020? How is this happening now? I never thought I’d live a pandemic, I never thought I’d have to deal with it. I roam around with the senior, I hear people coughing, people gasping for air, ventilators going off, beeping sounds everywhere. In my head “this is not happening right now” Is all I was thinking about. There are sick patients and there are patients walking around talking and looking comfortable. It was either or.
This lasted few hours and then it was time to leave. Taking off the PPE is much harder than putting it on. There are steps. And you can’t mess up. Messing up could get you infected. I watched people take it off and then had someone see me taking it off to make sure I don’t mess up. You take the first layer, get sprayed by a disinfectant, then take the second layer. It’s a workout in its own.
After doing so you walk “or run in my case” to the washroom to wash your face and hands with soap. With not “skin friendly” soap that is. The the paper work starts. Ahhh the worst...
Prior to leaving I had to take a shower and then change back into the scrubs that I came to work in.
Would you believe me if I said that going home was the worst part? I don’t drive so my mother had to come and get me. I made sure not to touch anything. I disinfected everything after reaching home. I took my shoes off outside and put them in a bag. I ran to the bathroom downstairs to take another shower. Got dressed and ran to my room. I started self isolation that day.
Today is day FIVE. I have seen a lot. But now I have a system. I kind of know what’s going on and I’m learning as I go. I still have to take melatonin to sleep at night because my anxiety has never been worst but I’m doing better.
It’s lonely, that’s for sure. Usually I’m glued to my mother, driving her insane, talking non-stop until she kicks me out.... I’m not used to staying alone of this long. Five days is too long. I miss her, I miss my family. My only contact with them is via FaceTime and phone calls which has helped a bit. I pass the time mainly sleeping (?signs of depression and anxiety Maybe?), watching friends, eating, listening to @taylorswift , sleeping some more...
It’s getting better but I can’t wait for this to be over.
I can’t wait to hug my family, I can’t wait to eat with them on the same table, and I can’t wait to have 1 shower instead of two...
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